Learning to deal with things Inside out has been my thing, but I have mixed feelings for many things for a few years now.

My friends have lost some people very close to their hearts last year. When 2021 started, we all prayed this year will help us heal the losses and be a safer one.

However, in 2021, the severity of this pandemic has risen to a whole new level. From unknown faces in unknown places, it has now reached to faces we know and have met in our everyday lives.

Both my parents were tested positive before a couple of months. When I was shown the video of the hospital room they stayed in and how they were treated as patients, I almost wanted to sue the hospital. It made me think that this whole thing was merely a moneymaking scheme.

I passed on their test results to a few friends and a couple of friends asked their doctor friends to check the result. Only then I was convinced both of them had a moderate lung infection. However, all of them told that this is serious only if they are tested positive.

With my sister and brother-in-law doing the needful, I complained a lot about not being able to be there to do better. It took me a while to stop complaining and thank them for their help. By God’s grace, they had come back home safe in a week, but was recovering extremely slowly for their age.

After a Week

A week later, a good friend’s relative passed away due to oxygen supply not being available in government hospital. From then on, I have been hearing deaths of many people I personally know. At that moment, the rage inside me just settled and I became grateful that my parents were alive.

People aged between 30-40 years are the most I have heard. I couldn’t do much, but send out a prayer to their families to cope up with the loss. Honestly, I couldn’t pray like a brave soul – to give them the strength to lead their lives and all that. When I think about many losses that has happened, it is unfair.

They could have done their share of small mistakes during this period. Like going out somewhere that has caused them to be tested positive. I am sorry about that, but losing their life at the age of 30 or 35 is something that I cannot bear.

I know few senior citizens who passed away after being tested positive. Without a doubt, that’s also unfair. Here, I am not talking about the age, but the value of the person to their family. The irreplaceable loss, the way to accept this loss, the way to heal this one.

Many people have lost their husbands, wives, mothers, fathers, brothers or sisters. Most of these people are good friends, who were loved and cherished by their family.

That One Death

A couple of days back, I heard a news from my father that made me feel completely lost. I know this girl from my childhood days. She is the only daughter of my father’s good friend. My daughter and her twins must be the same age now. Her husband was tested positive and passed away due to a cardiac arrest.

When my father told me this, I had to ask him a couple of times, if he was talking about the right person. He narrated the whole story to me in complete shock. He even told me that he couldn’t cope up with this news from the time he heard it.

I had to really send out a prayer to give my parents some courage to share their sadness and fear during these times. After all, who is not scared about such news. I am. I also pray to share my listening ear to those who need me.

When I think of my friend, I imagine her sitting quietly not knowing what to talk. She might tend to her kids and talk to her parents, still something inside her is crushed. When I think of her, I feel lost. All I want to do is, hug her and cry with her. This is a loss that I have no words for.

The Present Moment

Her loss just made me feel that it is possible to happen to anyone. That very thought makes me focus on the present moment. It is a difficult time for everyone. We have all lost someone close to us.

I know very well that I am not even close to being really kind. Situations like these make me choose kindness and be helpful in small ways. I appreciate that small change in me. That’s exactly what I am looking forward to this year in me. I did not choose a particular word for this year, but I think it will be to choose kind.

We all go through a lot of healing. I am not the most-friendly person to listen to someone who shares their piece of sadness or pain on repeat. I have always tried to cheer them up by showing them there are so many things in life to be happy about. To just listen and let them dwell in their pain and sadness until they have healed is also a major help.

I am deeply thinking about listening to someone’s pain, just listen. To be able to accept that fear, pain and sadness form a major part of people’s life is the most difficult part. I wish I have the courage to listen to those who share their pains and fears with me. To listen without judging them for their sensitivities about their life or them as a person.

Inside Out

This movie has given me so much insight about my own emotions. I can talk so much about it. However, I have written how it has helped me become aware of my emotions in my other blog.

I don’t usually recommend much because I am not a significant consumer. For the first time in a very long time, I am blown by a movie and that’s Inside out, a Disney picture.

I watched the movie again yesterday night with my daughter. She enjoys the movie too, but for now she just understands the emotions and the colours they denote and that’s enough for me.

For most of my life I have never honoured my sensitivities. I have heard many say that I feel too much or I think too much. My common feeling was like Sadness most of the time, I messed up!

From then, I tried to be like Joy, to always focus on the brighter side every time. Anyone who is sad all the time gave me a fright. This movie has opened up so much of blocks inside me. There is a long way to go, still, there is something inside me that just opened.

It could be my own sadness and fears that I have started listening to. Also, it is about making up my mind to just listen to someone’s sadness without arguing or convincing them that it is not sadness at all.

If someone chooses to share something with me, I am learning just to lend a ear. I am slowly learning that listening to sadness is the source of all joy!

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These 3 words
Make sense now.
I choose to surrender
After the big mess up.

I passed on my distress
Without realizing the stress
I was throwing at someone,
Who chose to listen.

I peered into someone’s life
Worst than an intruder,
Without even realizing,
I am not needed there.

I have yelled, been rude,
Crossed my borders,
Shared an unwanted opinion,
An unwanted line.

“Be sympathetic, be kind”
I really thought I was
Until I shared a few words,
With less understanding of someone’s choice.

A lot of my wounds
Make no sense to me now
I’d know if I observe myself,
That I triggered them on my own.

The many baggage I held so long
Need to be buried deep down
It brings nothing, but more hatred
And breaks me down.

I stand up and apologize,
To those who faced the wrath
Of my constant complaints,
As I realize I messed up.

I was trying hard to make a mark,
But all hell broke loose,
I have lost it all,
In the process of proving I’m true.

I don’t know right from wrong now,
Oh, my best opinion is NO opinion now,
I might choose that corner,
To mind my own business.

After too much of talking,
Here comes the silence,
That could teach me,
To smile and to be kind.

Now that I clearly know,
I messed up,
I choose to stay silent,
To make my words count.

*NOTE:*
I am just thinking loud on my blog. I am in good mental health, I just woke up to bearing the weight of being told that I mess up all the time.

Looks like, I have consciously started to mess up things now. I had not set boundaries on my private space or personal life. It has just been up there for view, which has led me to unconsciously graze on others private space. I am a strong advocate of SPEAK OUT LOUD, but I realised I have forgotten the space where SILENCE is needed.

Out of concern, I have constantly asked people to share their thoughts thinking there might be a problem. However, the real problem had existed in me, since I used to bottle up my emotions earlier. Now I learned to share better, but I guess that fear in me that someone might need help in sharing their thoughts hasn’t left. Hence, this post is a reminder for me to NOT to push others boundaries unnecessarily.

This is my reminder to consciously stay awake and learn to be empathetic to myself and others. To accept privacy in my life and respect it in others life.

The post I messed up! appeared first on JAYANTHY'S FREE SPACE.

My uncle’s death was very sudden and it still churns my stomach when I think about those moments. Though it still looks like it all happened just a year before, it is already 7 years. It changed a lot about my family. It changed my dad and made him insecure. Losing his cousin brother made him guilty, angry and sad. It’s only after death we feel deeply about the chances we missed. My father became very unapproachable and he was treading on fear that anything can happen anytime to anyone. Life by the end of 2012 was troublesome.

4 years after that, life slowly turned from being miserable to manageable. In December 2015, Chennai streets were flooded overnight due to ineffective planning. I still remember waking up to water everywhere. There was so much chaos everywhere, though that’s the moment we found peace as a family. That was the time we all sat down and spent time together. Those 4 days will be etched in my memory beautifully. We spoke a lot to each other and switched off the denial mode that surrounded us otherwise. We had a lovely little stray dog who had come a week before the floods and she became my companion. I call her my savior. She changed my life and made my father finally cry and gain the peace he had lost years before.

A lovely companion who kept me busy for 4 months after I quit my job. I looked after her day and night. I argued and even fought with anyone who wanted to send her to a pet house/shop. We named her Jhansi because she had a warrior look on her face. She was a warrior. She taught me to buck up and be brave. She looked fragile, but there was a strength in her that anyone can see. I have a detailed post about her here.If you wish to know about this darling, read the post. You will fall in love with her. I cried and cried with no strength left to bother about anything. I dwelled in silence and my parents understood and let me be.

I quit my job in January 2016 and spent full time with the pets at home. Also, this was the time my school dearie S and I became close. We spent so much time talking with each other and made so many plans that never worked out anyway. Still, we spoke a lot, whenever we had the chance. We created chances to talk. Maybe that’s how it works. I missed her dearly after training at Infosys, but failed to keep in touch. Here we were talking like there were no yesterday’s and no tomorrow’s. I didn’t want to miss any more time. I didn’t want anything to end, come on, we just started all over again. The thing is, we never know when anything actually ends.

We spoke about our lives. What went wrong for us, what is going good for us, what is keeping us strong, what is making us cry! She was such a strong soul. She was going through a storm, still one would never guess that if they talk with her. The heartiest woman I personally knew. I don’t think I am even 10% of what she was. I am not putting myself down, but openly accepting the fact that I have to learn to smile during adverse times. We all have demons inside us, but only some of us fight it everyday and fly high. She was that devil who woke up everyday and faced her illness bravely. Even a day before she passed away she laughed and conversed with someone dear to her. She longed for conversations that kept her going. We all do, right?

When I came to know that she passed away through my school group, just a week after our last conversation, I asked the girls to cross-check. I told them it was impossible that it’ll be her. What came back made me cry.

She suffered so much right before she died. She didn’t deserve a life like that. I know her. She needed the peace. She had had enough. Though I miss her, she needed that peace. Rest in Peace, my dear, for you will always be in my heart.

I realized when I saw a quote just before a couple of days. If there was something I could be to keep her with me, is stay cheerful always, for life is short, but it’s only you who can make it sweet.

If you have lost someone you hold dear, you will realize it is their kindness that made them special. Be that! Be Kind! I have a lot to show on that. I wish I have a more kind heart and the ability to understand without judging. This is what I wish for myself this year.

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Day 4 – Give a compliment to someone!

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Day 3 – 24 Hours No Complaining

This is surely a difficult challenge because even whining is complaining. Never thought of that as part of complaining. Complaining to me was only not talking ill about others or not listening others talk about it. But now I understand passing comments about self is also part of complaining. So this is difficult but I will practice this for my betterment.

I had suffered some deep emptiness before a year and it has definitely caused me lots of pain. To forget all those pains and shame i have to re-fill good memories for all around me which will make me feel better.

But definitely Kevin made me feel I need to use positive affirmations to keep my day better. Sure that was encouraging and this helped me a bit than the mindset i had at the beginning of the day.

And yesterday my canine pet grabbed a pretty big chunk of Grilled Chicken and ran out which shocked the entire family about the behavior but I could only laugh after a moment of being strict. Sure because it was funny but later realized it was not my food but my dad’s food. Still, I couldn’t stop laughing.

#GratitudeNow with Kevin Buchanan

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I am grateful for
1) Being able to wake up today
2) Being blessed with a family who have finally chosen to stick together come what may.
3) Being blessed with a love so dear and one that has broken many barriers till date and is now up for a challenge for a solid 5 months. So to keep us engaged we have come up with an activity.
4) Having food on my table and a roof over my head with electricity all day long.
5) Having this present moment where friends come and talk to me and care for me. Long lost friendships coming up
6) My dear Canine Joy with whom I get to spend a lot of time nowadays! 🙂
7) Being at home this summer
8) Being able to read books again
9) Being able to slowly forget the past and look forward to the present and future
10) Being able to forgive myself and everyone else for everything that has happened till now.
11) Being part of a daily challenge and sharing wonderful energy with my friends! 🙂
12) Being able to take up this challenge today!
13) Being blessed with a phone that definitely does wonders.

#GratitudeNow with Kevin Buchanan

Yay! This feels amazing for sure! 🙂

The post Day 1 – List 5 Things You Are Grateful For! appeared first on JAYANTHY'S FREE SPACE.