My uncle’s death was very sudden and it still churns my stomach when I think about those moments. Though it still looks like it all happened just a year before, it is already 7 years. It changed a lot about my family. It changed my dad and made him insecure. Losing his cousin brother made him guilty, angry and sad. It’s only after death we feel deeply about the chances we missed. My father became very unapproachable and he was treading on fear that anything can happen anytime to anyone. Life by the end of 2012 was troublesome.

4 years after that, life slowly turned from being miserable to manageable. In December 2015, Chennai streets were flooded overnight due to ineffective planning. I still remember waking up to water everywhere. There was so much chaos everywhere, though that’s the moment we found peace as a family. That was the time we all sat down and spent time together. Those 4 days will be etched in my memory beautifully. We spoke a lot to each other and switched off the denial mode that surrounded us otherwise. We had a lovely little stray dog who had come a week before the floods and she became my companion. I call her my savior. She changed my life and made my father finally cry and gain the peace he had lost years before.

A lovely companion who kept me busy for 4 months after I quit my job. I looked after her day and night. I argued and even fought with anyone who wanted to send her to a pet house/shop. We named her Jhansi because she had a warrior look on her face. She was a warrior. She taught me to buck up and be brave. She looked fragile, but there was a strength in her that anyone can see. I have a detailed post about her here.If you wish to know about this darling, read the post. You will fall in love with her. I cried and cried with no strength left to bother about anything. I dwelled in silence and my parents understood and let me be.

I quit my job in January 2016 and spent full time with the pets at home. Also, this was the time my school dearie S and I became close. We spent so much time talking with each other and made so many plans that never worked out anyway. Still, we spoke a lot, whenever we had the chance. We created chances to talk. Maybe that’s how it works. I missed her dearly after training at Infosys, but failed to keep in touch. Here we were talking like there were no yesterday’s and no tomorrow’s. I didn’t want to miss any more time. I didn’t want anything to end, come on, we just started all over again. The thing is, we never know when anything actually ends.

We spoke about our lives. What went wrong for us, what is going good for us, what is keeping us strong, what is making us cry! She was such a strong soul. She was going through a storm, still one would never guess that if they talk with her. The heartiest woman I personally knew. I don’t think I am even 10% of what she was. I am not putting myself down, but openly accepting the fact that I have to learn to smile during adverse times. We all have demons inside us, but only some of us fight it everyday and fly high. She was that devil who woke up everyday and faced her illness bravely. Even a day before she passed away she laughed and conversed with someone dear to her. She longed for conversations that kept her going. We all do, right?

When I came to know that she passed away through my school group, just a week after our last conversation, I asked the girls to cross-check. I told them it was impossible that it’ll be her. What came back made me cry.

She suffered so much right before she died. She didn’t deserve a life like that. I know her. She needed the peace. She had had enough. Though I miss her, she needed that peace. Rest in Peace, my dear, for you will always be in my heart.

I realized when I saw a quote just before a couple of days. If there was something I could be to keep her with me, is stay cheerful always, for life is short, but it’s only you who can make it sweet.

If you have lost someone you hold dear, you will realize it is their kindness that made them special. Be that! Be Kind! I have a lot to show on that. I wish I have a more kind heart and the ability to understand without judging. This is what I wish for myself this year.

************************************

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I don’t have to bear your chauvinism,
I take you as a challenge,
Everyday I learn what to ignore,
And break free to live a bit more!

A woman is not meant to cook all day,
Or clean and pop out babies just as you say,
You are not a man,
If you don’t know to respect a woman!

You shout to make us fear,
Expecting us to shed a tear,
So we will totally disappear,
And forget our dreams dear!

You have failed right there,
You just put me on first gear!
I am not willing to share a word,
To you who will think it is absurd.

I will never shed another tear,
Instead I will send above a prayer,
To save you from your cruel thoughts,
For a day will come when you realize what you lost!

You were a king of crafts,
You definitely had skill,
That does not mean,
You can demean everyone else.

You have your own fears,
Face them to find thyself,
Do not trouble another,
For you will never be respected ever!

Life is to enjoy,
Why are you keen on planning to destroy,
You will live in a void,
That you will not be able to avoid.

Cherish the moment,
What’s the pleasure in a bad comment?
Live and let live,
That way, We will thrive!

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As a mother, I am not questioned just by family and friends about your growth, but by most unknowns because I have a tiny child. Trust me, it is tough being a mother. I also had to go through some critical comments from so many people I personally thought were friends. I am glad I learnt about many through our tough time. People really thought I hardly fed you. I was almost put under the radar by some. After facing the drum, I made up my mind not to give heed to any comments and also not to ask anyone for suggestions anymore. I sat and researched on healthy foods for kids. I asked my mother and grandmother to help me with recipes. I pretended I knew what I was doing, even though it was a trial and error method for me. I brought ingredients and my mother in law offered to help. Finally, your porridge got ready and I made a few changes to your routine. Slowly, you started gaining weight. Throughout the struggle, your Appa was very understanding and patient with others for throwing their mind our way.

Image Courtesy: Google

Earlier I used to be bothered about your weight, I even used to yell at you to eat. You wouldn’t. You would just move around. It took me some time to understand that a child’s cognitive development is the most important factor over weight. Appa and I used to sit down and talk about this. He wasn’t a tad worried about your weight. He always asks me to let you be and ignore everyone’s comments. I felt even my mother was very critical about you and I gave her a piece of my mind. After which, she realized how it has to be said and that you were alright. Just like us you prefer to eat fruits over juice. That was the first sign of a healthy baby to him. We never gave much fruit juices to you. People would try and pull you to follow the norm, but sometimes you need to go with your own flow to accomplish what you set out for.

Babies gain weight. Sometimes it is a slow process. That is acceptable. I have stopped yelling at you. I am not making a fuss over your food anymore. I give you everything that is prepared at home for us. I am not trying hard to push it on to you. If you wave your hand to a No or shake your head sideways, I am okay to accept it as enough and not stuff more on to you. I have realized where to stop. This has helped you enjoy most foods now. Biriyani is your current favorite. You try to eat what you can. I am okay with breaking the meal time and meals. This helps me keep my calm and let you eat what you want. A hearty meal could be a spoonful or a plate full. I am okay with both now. You are still way off the chart, but I am okay with it. You are gaining and the doctors don’t see any problems with the slow weight gain either. They always ignored my weight queries. They just ask me if you are alert, active and happy. I say, “Yes Doc, she turns the house upside down!”

Love,
Amma

                                ===============================================

To all new moms,

Don’t worry about infants being way off the chart. None of our parents or grandparents weighed us everyday and worried. Neither did they bother about every doctor visit like today. They provided good food and a happy environment. The rest followed. They were okay with the children being the children. That’s all we must bother about. Junk will help gain easy weight, but that isn’t going to help us in anyway. A little of everything is all they need. So let’s keep them happy and healthy!

People could make you feel terrible by sharing their children’s weight or grandchildren’s weight. That is okay. Just tell them every child is different and their growth spurts matter. If people don’t bother to listen and focus on the weight, well, that’s all they know folks! Leave it at that. Don’t waste a calorie more to explain. You need it to run behind your child! Let’s just be thankful that we have abundance to give our child. Let us remember the nations were parents are starving and their children are dying. This is enough to forget our doubts and be thankful.

Love,

A Mom!

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For a person like me, who gets annoyed at small things, mindfulness and gratitude might be the key. At least from what I have read about it and also felt when I am truly thankful. Parenting has opened a whole new level of stress for me. It isn’t really taking care of the little one, it is truly about handling the entire world of comments. I stress on this because I am a mother to a 15 month old and I am afraid that I am a bad mom. I yell once in a while at her for not eating and also raise my voice when she imitates other kids. At times, it makes me cry. It makes me wonder what kind of a mother I will become because kids will be kids and she is just a toddler. I want to be parenting in a positive way, but I am not sure if I am anywhere near it! Maybe my true reasons are shadowed in this. I want to find them in this journey.

I am afraid my yelling will continue and become worst in the coming stages of parenting. See, this is the scary part. I believe my thoughts. I overthink and also believe that I might not be a good parent. Overall, I am losing my self. At times when I sit down and think, I wonder where all the once-upon-a-time calmness is hidden in me. I miss my lighthearted moments. I miss how I care for myself. I miss how I care for all my people and things. Something somewhere has changed. Anyway, it is time to gather all the pieces and fix the puzzle.

So, I decided that mindfulness is the key to my confusion.

1. I am dead serious about my thoughts – A total time waster

This is one of the main reasons, I choose to practice mindfulness. I watch my thoughts and also believe them like that is something happening right in front of me. My thoughts are very creative. That makes it all the more interesting to view it. That can also simply be called day-dreaming. I am surprised that I quickly spend the little time I get for myself like this. I learnt to watch my thoughts, what I must learn is not to take them seriously. Maybe I must work towards saying, “Oh my dear, you are really taking a toll on my energy levels, so kindly keep it calm.”

2. At times, I suppress my emotions

If I am bored, I clearly state it and move out of there. That is who I was, I felt that was rude. Now, I am trying my best to hear out the other person before I make the move. I am trying to relate incidents and talk about it. Somehow this has helped me in less occasions. I wish I know how to politely deny bullshit without rolling my eyes. I can’t talk unless I have something to say. Similarly, I don’t like to hear repeated stories all the time along with too much self-praise. I switch legs for a start, then look at the time and finally just look clearly bored. At other times, when something I don’t like happens in front of me, I become speechless. I don’t clearly state that I don’t like what’s happening, instead I just become silent. I feel silence is golden and give the silent treatment.

When people understand then it’s okay, if not, I feel I get too hot to explain. I feel explanation is not required. I must learn to explain what I feel so that I first understand my own feelings. I share my thoughts in a better way through words. I think I must continue writing to keep myself in check. I always take time to communicate myself. I take time to communicate my feelings. I don’t really open up to everyone. I don’t really feel it is necessary to open up to everyone. I am not a follower of conviction and suddenly someone pushing me to follow it made me feel threatened. I realized I feel much better when I stay me and also make others feel better!

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3. I take things personally

This is very important for me. I hardly understand code words. Unless people tell things directly, I don’t really understand it. When people tell directly it takes me few minutes to come back to normal immediately. I am hurt quickly too because of it. So, I need to learn to respond to people in spite of comments and also stop sharing my own comments. Lots to learn especially when it comes to making peace with myself and the world. It is okay to not follow the norms. We don’t have to follow every norm there is to make everyone happy. People keep changing and so do the norms. I realized it is always better to stick to my own principles and clarify to the world that it is okay if they aren’t going to give me company for being me!

Image Courtesy 4. Worrying Kills Easily This is a mood changer. I wonder if I actually make a list to worry about everything and also revisit it. I worry so much. If we had a conversation about what I worry about, I think you will have fits of laughter and maybe I will also. Or maybe like Joey broke the happiest dog, I might actually tire you! Before I take great efforts to cut out our relations, I better cut down on the worrying. I realized I worry because I don’t want to take someone’s problem as mine in the name of helping them. I have enough on my platter already. Also, I stay at the sympathy instead of moving to empathy and giving  With many more reasons lining up behind these, my best bet would be to practice mindfulness. I know that would help me become a better person and help me slow down and see things as they are not as I want them to be. Do you want to practice being mindful? What are your thoughts on it? What mindful habits do you practice in your daily life? I am excited to participate in #MyFriendAlexa Campaign by Blogchatter. I am taking my blogging to the next level! This is my Post 4 for the campaign! Current Alexa Rank: 2,222,175 Indian Rank: 85000

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I will start with a Thank You! I owe you one and I haven’t said that in years to you! I am sorry about that! Thanks to #Blogchatter for reminding me to do so. You are such a wonderful listener and you have borne me for almost a decade now. I started out writing only as a means to earn some money, but you have helped me emerge as a blogger, writer and a better reader. You have reflected my mind in every single occasion. Right from expressing my confusions as a person to an evolving parent, you have helped me express myself much better than I do in in conversations.

I have opened up very little with people in person except for few close friends. It’s you who are helping me break my barriers one at a time and you are also helping me become a better person. I used to just rant around when I started you, but you are making me focus on my writing, on myself and everything around me. You have been an amazing platform to present my writing to the entire world, something that I never thought possible. Something I never knew was possible. Something I never believed was possible. You made it all come true. I cherish every moment I type and post something in this space.

I wasn’t very sure how it would be if I self-hosted this website. I am thinking deeply about it. I would love to give you a makeover and let you breathe a little easier. Would you love a makeover? I wish you do. I really didn’t have a strategy when I first created you.(Aw, I sound like a scientist). Well, I still don’t have a great strategy, but I have a vision for you. I am working on it. I share my poems, my two cents on parenting, relationship and gratitude here. Life is kind to me in many ways and you have helped me see that in every occasion. You have changed my views on almost everything and I am glad to have an opinion about everything I see. Though I am not good enough to present my points here clearly, I know I would do it soon.

If not for you, Life would have been miserable. I wouldn’t have found a friend who listened intently and patiently as you did. I would have succumbed to tough times and would have never found my way out of them. If not for you, I wouldn’t have seen the light at the end of the tunnel. If not for you, I would have just flared up at everyone and be a snarling dragon who spit fire everywhere. I would have just existed, not lived. I am thankful, grateful and blessed for your presence in my life. You have always been better than the best of everything I ever had and you help me cherish everything I have.

I love you! I love you to the moon and back! You are my bubbly blog and you will always hold a special place in my heart ever! I am truly, madly and deeply in love with you! Nothing can change my love for you, darling!

Hugs,
Bestie!

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