On Growth, Timing, and Letting Go

Every year brings its own set of lessons, but lately, I’ve been focusing on actually putting what I learn about myself and others into practice. It’s definitely not been easy—learning not to take things personally or knowing when to keep my mouth shut takes real work. Well, let’s say that I am striving towards getting better at it daily counts for a lot in my book.

Looking back, things that felt completely unreachable years ago are just part of my reality today. It has made me realise that all I really need to do is be thankful for what I have at this very minute. Whatever I’m reaching for right now will likely become possible a few years down the line, whenever I’m truly ready for it. That’s the perspective I’m holding onto.

This kind of growth hit home for me recently when thinking about family. I had waited a long time for my parents to visit, and when they came last summer, it was brilliant. Yet, after they left, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I could have done so much better as a host and a child. Well, looking forward to their next trip now.

To me, striving to be “better” now means letting them be exactly who they are—cherishing those moments without taking every little interaction personally. That feels like real personal achievement. It isn’t about pride; it’s about finding my own little ways to give back to them. Well, if it’s as easy as it sounds!

Learning to be Bored in the UK Heat

This year’s summer kicked off with memories of that visit, but we decided to try something completely new: staying right here in the UK.

It was our first summer staying put since COVID, which was a huge shift for us. Usually, my only summer planning revolves around a trip home to India. This time, the agenda was simple: learn to adapt to what is, and learn to be comfortably bored. Did we manage to do it, a little bit I’d say. However, we also had screen-free times of just doing something random, unplanned and whatever came to mind at that time.

It ended up being a lovely summer—and easily one of the hottest. I liked walking around without a jacket/coat, for the past three months. Despite the heatwaves, we made it out for some proper beach days, which we enjoyed for the very first time.

Rain, Reflection, and the Grand Scheme of Things

I didn’t sit down with a strict outline today, but if there’s one thing worth capturing, it’s this transition point. Summer is closing out with sudden downpours, and surprisingly, I’m looking forward to them. We’ve been in a drought, and nobody wants that to stretch on.

The dry spell brought back vivid memories of living in India. Drought meant knowing the taps were dry, having to use street pumps. Along with waiting for metro water trucks just to fill pots and carry them home to use sparingly. Experiences like that have a way of putting life into perspective.

Here, though, it’s much harder to explain that urgency when water still flows endlessly every time you open the tap. It’s tough explaining the issue to some adults who don’t quite get it yet. As for the children, I don’t blame them at all, but it’s important they listen to the importance of it. Playing in the water on a hot summer day is practically the only thing on their minds.

I am important, sure, but the world around me is equally—if not more—important. The world will keep spinning long after I’m gone, but I can’t exist without it. How do we keep that sense of perspective top of mind? How do we remind ourselves that we’re just tiny fragments in the grand scheme of things?

On that note, I’m left with not much to worry about right now. Just a chance to breathe out and marvel that I’ve actually poured something onto the page today. I didn’t sit down to write something intentional, but reading my fellow bloggers has always helped me become more present in my own life. I start seeing the beauty in these small fragments. Aren’t we all interconnected in so many ways? It’s always so comforting to read the blog space. Then, when I don’t know where to start myself, something like this just pours out. Now, I’m happy to just go with the flow.

“We are nothing in the grand scheme of things, and yet in that nothingness lies everything.” ― Darice Cairns

The post 2026: Before the Summer Goes appeared first on JAYANTHY'S FREE SPACE.

That made me think, definitely English rhymes also had it’s share of history. The Wellerman song had a heart-crushing history that I must write in another post. The one Shalini shared about taxation of beer for the Jack and Jill seemed more appropriate to me as Beer is the language here! Well, the point is she got me thinking.

Since I have vowed to watch a few movies that my husband recommended (because I don’t make the time to watch them when my daughter is around), I must say a couple of them helped me with these references.

Jack and Jill in my world

Every time I read this quote, I only thought it talked about the past of my nation. Never once I thought it existed that day or will be a part of my life wherever I go. Being born in a city and living amidst a mix of culture, I was naïve to many comments about differences.

Discrimination is a crime
Discrimination is a sin

Indian Text Books

When you move states or countries, it is termed racism. What I understood is that no one is a threat to another. It’s only in your thinking. Broaden it, it will open a world of history where you appreciate another person’s life as your own. How can we broaden it? Read, watch think and discuss, that opens up perspectives that helps you view the world in a different way.

I appreciate movies where they focus on the importance of education. Some children fail to understand the importance of education, whereas it is often unreachable for those who are in dire need of it. Coming from a middle-class family, little did I know that my parents had to take a lot of talks for educating us in private institutions. After getting into college, after listening to some comments, I’ve asked my mum to explain many inside stuff.

It took me a while, to understand how my parents were treated, how we were treated and the power of knowledge. I was late to get there, but for someone like me, my parents are my backbone. They let me be, but they have taken precious care of me and I am here today because of them understanding the power of knowledge. I am not everything that my father wanted me to be, but I appreciate how he held me in his palms all through my childhood, even today. My mum was really cool and trusted me completely.

At one point, I broke their trust, still, even then the way they held me is because of they being just who they are: Their character plays a vital role in our upbringing, both of them read amazing books and encouraged us to read and above all their honesty to do the right thing and live within their means, along with the respect they had for their elders taught us so much.

Reference 1

So, here when I mention Jack and Jill, two references came to my mind. You must have guessed the first one. Jack and Jill are the parents who have climbed a hill to give their children a life of their dreams. It takes them a lot to get there. Their struggles, their pains and their dreams all come together. Parents wish only the best for their children. They guide their children to become a better version. Yes, they have their pressures, but their focus is on their children. They appreciate not just their children, but all the children in the family. These are the people who teach other children to dream and achieve and treat all children equally.

If the father is down, the mother can come down quickly too. My parents have spent 37 years together and most of the conversations they have ever had are about us. Whatever they planned, they planned it with us. Be it a trip, be it buying new stuff, everything. The only thing they had for themselves and truly believed they had was each other and us. As they’ve grown old, they’re need to be with each other is only more. They’re growing old together and even though they constantly pull each other’s legs in the passing, I’ve never seen them allow anyone else to do so.

I’ve messed up a lot, they have fallen down because of me, but they got up. They made me get up. This time we only grew together as a family, however, that’s also only because of them.

Reference 2

The other is that every Jack and Jill are the boys and girls who look forward to education as a tool to achieve their dreams. They are children from all walks of life who want to study and believe that they can change their world through learning. To forget their everyday problems, they shift their focus towards education. They believe they can lead a respectable life for them and their people. Here, I reference the Hill as the School and the pail of water is the drop of knowledge that is bestowed upon them.

As a society we are extremely conditional of children. Many people find ways to hurt the ego just to change the person. To be ashamed of their self and the kind of life their parents have provided them is a common way to make someone feel low. My parents did their best, still at that age I was vulnerable and believed I was bound to fail, to never have my head held high. If we get the money, we could be equals and would be respected had a big effect on me. However, the norms only kept changing and I was like the donkey with the carrot held in front of it.

As another example, my cousin who had all riches was constantly bombarded with random comments that made him feel small. Even though he had all riches, personally he was never a mean person even once. He was constantly being commented from how weird he was to he’s who he is because of the riches only. He is still the most humble and polite person one would meet, but as we know it the comments continue.

This Jack and Jill are the children who are being told how to live, how to be by someone who does not truly care(this comes after taking it all). Breaking the shackles the society sets(firstly relatives) and living life on our terms is equally difficult for a man and woman. As much as we talk about women empowerment, we need to appreciate every man who stands up for himself in situations that people purposely create to torment them.

Who’s Rich?

A humble and a smart man is hard to find because those qualities adhere to being truly kind and polite. However, they are coined as foolish by a lot since they are not flimsy and floating, but deep and steady. Similarly, women who stand up for themselves, who treat other men and women as equals and are not threatened by others are not appreciated.

So, who’s rich? Those who value education and treat people right. Also, those who could help someone else without discriminating them because of their caste, creed or religion, but only because they can help spread the power of educating children. This changes lives forever.

The post Jack and Jill in my World appeared first on JAYANTHY'S FREE SPACE.

I found my love for coffee only in my early 30s. I have always loved the aroma of filter coffee, even the instant one, but my love for it never went beyond the first sip. Until my 30’s, I’ve stuck to saying that I don’t drink coffee, but have never said that I don’t like it. I don’t take the liberty of wasting a cuppa outside. Also, at home, the first sip is the best and there’s nothing more to a coffee than that.

The first sip is the hottest and the most aromatic it can be. According to me, the full flavour is felt and that one sip satisfies me not wanting for more. Filter coffees are given in the smallest cup, but I’d prefer it even smaller than that. Just that one sip, that’s all. I could not say I have not had a full cup, I’ve had it a couple of times in the past because they said that it will keep me awake. Alas, even a cup of coffee couldn’t do that.

I also drink a cup of milk in one go than stop and sip. For me, that warmth needs to stay in a hot drink. That’s not possible so I don’t do that with coffee. One cuppa warm milk, all in one go before I rush out of the house to catch my office bus is an easier choice. Coffee has never been my go to for long. I love to just watch my mum drink her morning coffee in peace, but I’ve never allowed her that peace. I constantly tried to talk her out of drinking coffee that she’d say please if you can go and do something that you want to do rather than bother me while I drink.

That first cuppa

My husband had his first cup of black coffee as part of his Ketogenic diet in 2019. He introduced me to that first cuppa. I was hesitant to try it, coffee with milk doesn’t interest me, why would plain coffee be any different. I let him know that I’ll try it later.

When I made up my mind to try it, I was mesmerised by a full mug of coffee. I remember it so vividly because that was my first mug of black coffee. It was raw, fresh and warm right from the first sip and as it went down my throat. That urge to take another sip was there. Took another sip and it really felt like a warm hug. When I finished that full mug, it felt like someone had hugged me for a long time. That feeling of warmth felt comforting.

At that point in time, maybe I was too exhausted with lots of things in my life. Maybe I’d even thought too much that makes me wonder as I write this: why did that cuppa feel like a warm hug? Self hug, maybe? I don’t know. It just felt so good. I never felt the urge to make myself a cup of black coffee in Chennai. When you have a dad who makes tea and also puts a plate of some crunchy and mouth-watering Indian snacks, why would I not taste the chai. Tea is a story for another day. However, it’s different if I’m here. My morning starts with a slightly hot cuppa black coffee.

Put that Kettle On

Sometimes the hot mug gets gulped during calls, or stretches for a longer time over calls. There’s been times when I’ve prepared it, but forgotten to pick it up amidst morning chaos of sending the kid to school and waving bye to the husband as he leaves to work. There are also times I’ve wanted a hot n strong cup but would have let the kettle go off much before boiling temperature, and wonder why did I even do that after I’ve poured the water into the cup. During other times, I’ve let the kettle boil, but have forgotten to even make that Coffee.

I stick to one cuppa everyday. Sometimes I’m so conscious not to get addicted to it, that I stop drinking it for a while. I pick it up only after I’m okay to start it all over again. Black coffee with eggs have been an easy n tasty breakfast for me most times. So are muffins n black coffee. There was a time when I baked goodies every week just to make sure I had them with my coffee. At times, when I have the time to have breakfast with my daughter before she leaves to school, these two options have always been filling and comforting.

On most days, I wake up early, just to sit down and enjoy a hot mug all by myself. It’s fresh, refreshing and silent. That’s how a peaceful day starts, at-least until my husband and daughter wake up. I don’t scroll my phone or read a book. I just sit down, listen to the morning sounds outside and within myself. That’s when a thousand things will come to my mind, literally asking me to get up and get stuff sorted. Earlier, I gave in, but now, I just let it float.

Just the Right Start

After all, those chores will wait for me to come, but this peaceful time with my morning cup will come only once every morning. Also, only if choose to wake up while the house is still asleep. I choose to sit down those few minutes, do nothing, but still feel complete. Every time I do that, I only wished that I gave my mum that morning time when she most needed it. I now feel what’s that peace that she wanted every morning.

Maybe every time I saw her float in her own world when she sat down with that cup, I had felt maybe someday I would feel that too. I was insanely insecure in my early young days and thought that my mum did not like being with us when she tells me off especially during her coffee. Now, I could only laugh at that thought. How insane! What had spending time for herself do with loving us? God, I was crazy!

Dedicating this post especially for my mum, because every time I enjoy those moments, I realize more that she needed to care for her inner soul before she managed to shower that love all the time on us. Hugs, Amma. You always deserve a break whenever you want.

The post Love for Coffee: My Morning Cuppa appeared first on JAYANTHY'S FREE SPACE.

When I stepped on the fluffy white
I glowed at what’s in sight.
Sheets of snow filled everywhere
What an entry into this year.

Snow melts on living creatures
Yet, it covers those that are dead.
Doubts and fears evaporate,
As these flakes melted on my face.

When I bent and picked up
My first ball of snow
I was excited as a little girl
I forgot how ouchy my hands felt.

When you go in the snow
Make sure you wear the things below
Go with the flow
So you have a good show!

A scarf and a hat,
Some warm socks and boots,
That jacket and gloves,
Mittens for little ones!

Building a snowman
A game of snowballl
Laughter and joy in the snow
Stays as pleasant memories though!

After all the play in the snow,
A runny nose, a sneeze and a frostbite
Are just the right memories
While in a warm tub!

Make the best while the snow lasts
When you wake in the morning
Your snowman would have melted
There might be no trace of snow!

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1. I don’t force myself to sleep. If sleep eludes me, so be it. I will wake up, do something that’s stopping my sleep, then go to bed. Today, it was writing. At other times, it could be eating, so I wake up and eat something. Other times, it could be nothing, so I wake up and do nothing and then go to bed and I fall asleep naturally. I don’t let myself think too much when it comes to sleep, especially the number of hours that I get to sleep. Excuse me, I am a mother to a toddler, I still get some sleep hours and that’s what counts for me.

2. I am allergic to smoking and cannot tolerate smokers in my vicinity. I get a mild headache when someone smokes around me.

3. Earlier I was startled by kids, now I am startled by adults. Nowadays, I enjoy the time I spend with kids though I am easily exhausted after a few rounds (4 jogging rounds within the community!) of playing with them. They make me think better.

4. I love talking over the phone with few people, but that’s mostly limited edition.

5. Lock me in a room and go and I will not be bored at all. I love to stay inside, so it is nice to spend time during this lockdown. Not a big difference for me while I worked too. I spent my weekends at home.

6. I am now an ardent fan of cooking. It is interesting since I have started to enjoy the whole process. I am still not a great cook but will grow to be one soon.

7. I do not like to grow long nails. I do not like styling my nails. To me, styling my nails mean cutting them every week in a shape that fits my hand.

8. I have no sense of style, which is my style statement. I have learned to sincerely thank people who compliment my style because they see something that they like. I’ve been receiving a bunch of compliments for my hairstyle right after I shaved my hair. What I cannot decode is why I am being called brave for this! I hope there is some good reason behind it.

9. Irrespective of my hair length, I spend only the time required to do what it takes to tame my hair. If you feel my hair is soft and long enough to plait a fishtail braid or a french plait every day, I will tell you that my lazy bones wouldn’t care a damn about the lecture. I will hand my hair to you during an occasion to try what you want, but I am not doing it. Oh, yeah, call me lazy, and I am perfectly fine with it. I cannot spend an extra hour removing the tangles or searching a hundred hairpins that cannot hold my hairstyle in place. For my present style, all I do is comb it. No, I don’t mind the pins or the strange length of the hair. A pixie cut is just that, so I let it be.

10. I am sadly an intense person, either I do too much or do nothing. For a sample, during college, most of my dresses were the shade of blue. Most times, if a dress was washed and pressed(both of which I never did), I would wear it again the same week(only because I don’t remember, didn’t you read point 8). At times, you would think if I had just two dresses in my wardrobe! If I like something, I will wear it over and over again.

11. I am neither a coffee person nor a tea person. I cannot take more than a sip from a hot mug of the best coffee. If I am sipping a cup of coffee or tea till the last drop, it is either the cold weather or something is brewing on my head.

12. Being a Gemini, most of the time, I am presumed to be lightheaded, mysterious, and whimsical, which is fine. Remember, we have two sides, the deeper side manifests, only when I could build a strong connection with someone. I do not flirt, it is just floating, till I grasp you are worth diving for.

13. I am not scared of apologizing for my mistakes. If I have hurt someone with or without my knowledge, I bend down and apologize. There is no turning back on that, irrespective of the age. I never make apologies for granted. I have made annoying mistakes in the past, but I always give myself a second chance to correct myself.

14. I cannot tolerate someone close digging a grave for me. The good part is my gut instinct is strong, though it is my mind that ignores it. The bad part is I would have realized much before you, so even though my mind would want to put you in the grave before I flee, I would listen to my heart and fly away without turning back to look at you. I strongly believe in Karma since I have learned it the hard way too.

15. You will find me laughing a lot and crying too. I talk and share everything right out of mind(sometimes mostly unedited) which could be silly to you. Be aware, since the tagline of my blog already states that I share the reflections of my mind here in this space. I dedicate the honesty in my posts to the late nights before I hit the bed and to the early mornings when I wake up from it. So, just take what you like(if at all you like anything, that is!) and leave the rest(to die in peace here!).

16. I am not a perfectionist or an OCD person. Well, if you have continued reading right after this statement, welcome to my friend zone! I don’t have the most organized space, yet I don’t live in the dirtiest lot either!

17. If I like or admire someone, then be sure to be showered with calls out of the blue and lots of texts too! I would occasionally call just to say a Hello and to know how you are doing! It feels nice talking to friends and I enjoy knowing more about acquaintances. I would check your status and let you know if I enjoy it, at times even if it is day after day!

18. I dream a lot about sewing, stitching, gardening, and baking, but have failed in my attempts at it miserably. So I have kept it for trial some other time.

19. I have anger issues and it affects my mood a lot. Reiki, taichi, and exercising help to keep it at bay. If I am breathing with my eyes closed at one corner, then it means I am trying to calm myself down.

20. I can easily sleep in my jeans and top without complaining one bit about the weather. While I can sleep in the heaviest clothes, I cannot sleep even with a small hairpin in my hair. I am sensitive to it.

21. I have become liberal once again because of my daughter. She often enlightens me on how to take things easy especially for the things she does.

22. I love stationery stuff and journals. If there’s one gift that doesn’t tire me(to give and get), its books(all kinds!) and pens.

23. I enjoy fixing around the house for hours, only now I don’t get the time to do much activity that worries me. Otherwise, I would silently take a corner, wash the bicycle or bike every two weeks just to keep myself busy. Sweeping the house is my most favorite activity around the house.

24. If I am focusing on something, then I cannot hear what someone is telling me. There was a time I had scattered thoughts and it worried me a lot. Now, it is all about focus, and I do not like it when anyone disturbs my focus. I wish I respect when others focus on their tasks equally too.

25. I talk too fast which is my normal speed. I’ve noticed people staring at me while I talk. No, not admiration, they hardly understand what I talk. I just know one person who talks faster than me, it is Soumya Prasad. It was surprising and nice to talk with someone who talks at the same pace.

26. Some days I hardly watch Television. On others, I could watch movies or shows for a whole day. It has reduced now due to the little one. I have now started watching more kids shows and movies.

27. I can hurt people easily with my words, but I am the one to regret speaking like that. I’d rather be quiet than sorry sometimes.

28. At times, I feel that I want to avoid people from my life, but I allow them back for the good times I have shared with them. Once the chances are over, I cut them out ruthlessly from my life.

29. If I am angry with you, I will talk like I am going to kill you any moment. If I love you, then you are going to see me caring for you like the tigress in Kungfu Panda. Sometimes I don’t smile if I really care about you, I am strict with my family because I love them too much. Maybe I took it after my dad.

30. I am scared to watch horror movies. I am scared of paranormal activities. Nowadays I refrain from ghost stories too, I don’t like gory acts. That’s one genre I cannot try even for a bet.

31. I love to play Badminton. I can play for hours together with anyone willing to play it with me.

32. My one childhood dream that I want to accomplish before 35 is to learn to swim.

I wanted to write this before my birthday(33) this year and I am glad to have accomplished it because of the lockdown. If there is one subject that I am interested in writing about, it is me! I hope you enjoyed reading about my quirks as much as I enjoyed writing about it. I would love to know any random quirks about you here.

The post 32 Random Quirks that Intrigue Me #Lifeasis appeared first on JAYANTHY'S FREE SPACE.

I am not sure about the Corona stories or anything that is happening within our blog circle. Just hoping and praying all is well with all my girls, and I am sending prayers for everyone’s safety. I will visit your blogs soon to know about what’s happening on your side of the world.

For now, I am sharing updates on what’s happening from my side of the world. I thought I’ll share 10 titbits from the three months that went by in 2020 because I cannot type for a long time.

10. January went by making fun of what the Chinese ate (I honestly feel irresponsible for this). February brought in the fear after seeing the situation in Italy and the rise of the death toll in both countries. To be honest, I hardly focused on the news until the spread was taking a toll on the lives of 1000’s.

9. I had to undergo minor surgery for a lipoma lump in my right armpit that’s been around for a few years now. I’ve had the other one removed before a decade from my left armpit. I came to know it is hereditary. and was prescribed complete rest for a month. Medication and bed rest for most of February until the first week of March helped me heal better. I never thought I could recover in a month, though the healing is still happening, it feels so much better now than before a month.

8. I managed to finish 5 books in January, but I never anticipated my reading to halt there. Holding a book wasn’t happening in February. I decided to carry five books but ended up having space for just one. I’m going to keep that book a surprise. I did not carry my gadgets this time. So my Kindle, my Kindle Fire, and my laptop are duly charged and maintained by my sister now.

7. I couldn’t carry Ilakkiya for almost two weeks post-surgery. She understood my plight and was very supportive than I expected. She is in the questioning phase now, so she wanted to know what happened to me. I told her that I hurt my arm and it is painful. So, every time she came to me, she was cautious and asked me which arm I hurt, so I could hug her with the other.

6. March started with some good news for us. My sister is now officially engaged to another Kungfu Panda. So I gifted her my entire pen collection (since it was stuffed out of my luggage due to overweight, it was just around 1kg) and she enjoys it now. I guess you would have understood why she obliged to charge my gadgets. I left it back with a plan to grab it all when I head for the wedding in August, but now it’s all hers.

5. March came with an unexpected halt across the globe. I thought my travel plan would come to a halt and dump the rest of my plans. After numerous calls to the Chennai and Dubai airports, I was told to travel as early as possible. I spent a lovely evening with my best buddy in Dubai and reached Birmingham before a fortnight. We are staying inside since then. Finally, it took Corona and a travel ban scare to make this travel happen. I am not a covidiot, I’m just an idiot for not deciding this early. After all, it’s all about staying together.

4. I am working on a small writing project for a month now and it is where I spend most of my time during the week. I take frequent breaks since I cannot type for long, but it helps me follow a routine.

3. Ilakkiya’s bonding with her father is much better this time than what we expected. We have missed each other madly and feeling blessed to be together as a family now (touchwood). I have blocked my ears to the mad arguments of some people forever.

2. We have stocked food for three weeks now because we read about how we could be a carrier and affect the immunodeficient. We have decided to stay inside for our good and the good of others. There are no strict lockdown rules at the moment (a rule that says you are allowed to do any form of exercise outside once every day is not the rule I expected), but it is a self-note for us to continue to quarantine ourselves for the next two weeks. Some news about 3 to 6 months of lockdown might be real, maybe we will get used to this life.

1. We have a lot of trees in our present community and it is beautiful to watch it spring to life. I enjoy watching the birds from the living room and kitchen window. I wish I could click photographs of them. With Ilakkiya around, my phone’s safety is my priority. In the process, I forget where I place it, and by the time I reach for it, the bird is already gone.

The three of us pray for the safety of the world and all of you. The Spring brought in much-awaited sunshine, but now they are anticipating snow here. We are expecting some sunshine and warmth now to help make things better.

Until then, Let’s all pray for each other and stay safe!

P.S: Many senior citizens (aka my parents, family members, relatives and their friends) have shared their thoughts about this lockdown life. They love the silence compared to the too much noise the city has adapted unnecessarily in the past 5 years. They would love to have such silent weekends post Corona season. Maybe it is the way of the Universe to tell us to stop and smell the flowers instead of honking and stressing ourselves and others.

Also, many employees feel this could be the new age to accomodate work from home on a regularity!

The post 10 Titbits from my Side of the World – Lockdown Life! appeared first on JAYANTHY'S FREE SPACE.

It is so hard to look at you,
Tears rolling down your eyes,
My words feel empty even to me,
I just want to hug you and cry.

I cannot bear you cry,
I don’t have words to console you,
A loss so big,
Has ripped all the faith you had.

He was the best you had,
You hold him so dear,
He will be your guiding star,
Living in your heart forever.

You were a lovely couple,
One cannot take eyes off,
You were so good together,
Soft, subtle and kind.

I don’t know why things like this happen,
For I have no answers to the questions you ask,
Only tears roll down as I see you,
Lost in shattered pieces.

You mean a lot to me,
I really have to say,
I cannot bear to look at you,
Wrecked this way.

My hugs to you dear sister,
I don’t know what to say,
I am there to help you,
In any way you say!

The post Shattering Love appeared first on JAYANTHY'S FREE SPACE.

It is 8 weeks since I came to London. It is definitely a memorable one. The three of us are cherishing this time as our precious moments together. We have never had our share of time since our wedding.

Since my pregnancy, my husband is on frequent travel. That was okay for me as I needed some break due to pregnancy mood swings. My pregnancy was easy because of the undue support and effort my husband had provided me. He listened to all cues, right from my need of frequent massages till my pregnancy cravings, he spent his time with me without hesitation.

Even in the delivery room, he held my hand and joked about why I should try a bit more to push the baby. Okay, the joke is, I told it’s okay for the baby to stay inside and come when she pleases. He looked at me and I knew what he was thinking, “hey no OB(daydreaming and let things be) in this, Push the baby out.”

Once his on-site was confirmed my life flipped big time. Ilakkiya was 15 months old when his long term travel was confirmed. We never expected our little one would miss her father so much. As adults, we missed each other so much, why did we think a child wouldn’t know is beyond my understanding. When people tell old stories of how they lived, I must just listen not take it personally and overdo it. A lesson I learnt that year.

Personally, it wasn’t a easy journey for me. The emotional and mental pressure I had in the last 8 months will take a long time to heal. Finally London happened after too much trouble. We’ve never spent so much time together since our wedding. Neither did baby girl spend enough time with her father the whole of last year. All the three of us had rough patches that we are healing together by spending our time together now.

One of the most difficult thing is staying away from your partner when all you want is just to stay together. When it finally happens, I cannot really say how blessed we feel for this opportunity.

Though it’s our basic right to stay together, at times situations never let us be. It’s a pain of its own. I’ve seen my aunts and uncles stay away from each other for long due to work way back in the early 80s and 90s. Those were the times of trunk calls and letters.

Though our situation is far better today for which I am definitely thankful. Even though times have changed there are still major moments where we could only wish we could stay together.

I don’t know if I want to call life as unfair. It is because even through all the troubles, it gives me these small moments to hold on to and live them like there is no tomorrow. When people ask me if I’ve visited half of London already, I could only smile.

At times, we feel just staying together and spending our time talking with each other counts more to us than roaming every street in this place. Sure, we want to roam every nook and corner of London, but mostly I just want to sit by his side and sip a cup of coffee (black, that’s our favourite now and talk all about it) or eat our favourite food or simply watch a movie together. There was never the good old time in our lives, we are just creating it so we could call it that in our future.

Ilakkiya is having a ball with her dad and I am just happy to see them bonding so well. The three of us finally together, blurring rest of the world. I’m not sure if I’m going to be tired of this soon(which I know I won’t), but I’m surely going to have fun with this as long as I can. Moments like these will never come back. I want this to be deeply etched in my veins. We are lucky to taste the summer in London now and drench ourselves in the cool air and longer days.

Ilakkiya had a high temperature one week and I had my conjunctivitis on the other. Though I was worried about the slow medical support here, it did not affect my need to be together. Mainly because we don’t know what it is like to spend time together without any interference. We love this time together so dearly because we always knew we would enjoy it.

We know we can’t go on like this for a long time, so until October, we’ll dwell on this dream life which has come true and cherish on it for the next few months. God bless.

To all those staying away from their partner, may you meet them soon and cherish your time together. ❤️

As we celebrate our 3rd Anniversary together, I thought it would be a way to thank my husband for constantly being my pillar of support and pushing me to break my own barriers and face the world in a stronger way.

P.S: He started 2 days after our 2nd anniversary last year. In tears last year and in joy this year. Life is certainly Beautiful.

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I am sure wherever you are, you are definitely doing good in all afterlives. It’s two decades since we lost you to Mouth Cancer. I have seen you at your best and worst times. I didn’t know much about your sickness while you lived, but learnt and heard a lot about it after your death. Missing a person makes us hold on to even the tiniest details about them.

When Appa called me to remind me of your death anniversary, I had to stop and ask him again. No, don’t think I have become busy to forget it. I just had this usual confusion of it being on April 16, I don’t really know why I do this. I know you think it was better I forgot it. I really wish it had not happened so early after all, so let at least this minor confusion occupy my mind.

Aren’t you the best grandparent I ever had? Ammama is great, but got to know more of her only after you passed away. There’s so much I miss about you. Actually, I miss everything about you. All the times together, how much time you’ve sincerely spent with me is valuable to me now. All those times you kept me engaged in the pre-phone era makes me wonder how short tempered I am now.

I am thinking about how you sneaked into the kitchen to get us small portions of atta to make pooris in the kitchen set you customised just for us. I still remember how ammama and you bought this small kadai to make our pooris. You lighted camphor and kept the mud stove so we really cooked. You made sure we used it only when you were around. I dare not touch any of that without you. How many times Karthi and I have troubled you to drink our version of hot water as almost every food. Patience was the key, I understand it just now, as I write this.

I know you would agree I was lesser evil. Karthi just brought the roof down. I still remember how she used to literally lie down on the road and cry when you denied her chocolates. I have not seen you scold her even for that. Probably you must have done that a lot within you or maybe you just enjoyed her tantrums. Though Karthi got to spend lesser time than me, I am sure she would agree with me that you were the best we had. You took care of us and respected us for just being us. Mom gave me a pen that you gifted for my 10th exams. That’s the one I used in my 10th. And yes, if not for Karthi, I would have saved it even now. Yes, she broke it in the name of writing with it. Anyway, we know that’s exactly what she does. That’s how she broke the pen Ammu aunty gave me too. She hasn’t changed much on that front, luckily now she just keeps to breaking her own things. Well, I don’t lend her things that are important to me and there isn’t much now anyway.

Every time you came to drop us back at home, you stitched beautifully for us, you worked on the watches for hours in silence, you took me for your morning walks with your friends and let me play in the ground while you spent time with your friends. You kept us engaged at home, you let us play with neighbors and resolved all our tiffs without being partial, you read out stories to me, you saved some of the best books for me. I still wish I had saved the cassette you carefully recorded for us. I used to listen to it all the time during summer holidays. I miss the cassette player. You taught me to play cards, but I would always lose. You told me to focus on how to play and not just on losing the game.

Thaatha, you once scolded me for not concentrating on my reading. You told amma that my mind is scattered and always wandering. When you told that in front of me, I really thought you didn’t like me. It took me years to understand what you said was true and it took me a great deal to focus. Trust me, I am still working on it on many areas, but if not for you then, I would have noticed my own signs pretty late. I am forever thankful to you for that. I was lucky to work on it from my school days, even though I felt hurt then, today I am feeling blessed to have started it way back in time. Still, I have so much to conquer on focus, but I am glad where I am today.

I miss you thaatha. I have a little one now and I am glad that I have Ammama for her. The love Ammama shows for Ilakkiya is pure and unconditional, something I can’t really show to my own kid unless she is fast asleep. Ammama is our blessing, even with all the flaws of old age. She is the great-grandmother I want Ilakkiya to remember forever. Ilakkiya did not get a chance to see you or her paternal great-grandparents. Ammama is fondly called as Aaya by her and she manages to tell her name too, Saroji (aroji).

I have so much to write about you, but I have saved something we found while clearing the house. Amma is clearly an artist and she took it from you and Karthi follows Amma. I can’t even draw a straight line and your art piece is something I hold close to my heart now. It warms my heart whenever I feel lonely or sad and I know I have a guardian angel watching over me and will guide me at all times. I am not sharing the art pieces now, instead I am sharing a lovely photo here.

I miss you, thaatha. I know I will forever. ?

Yours,

Priya

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When someone wishes me with the cliche, May all your dreams come true, deep down, I am scared. There are dreams that scare the the hell out of me and I wake up flushed. I wake up thinking this should never happen in mine or in anyone’s life ever.

When it comes to wishes, I keep a simple May goodness/joy fill you this year and have a wonderful day/year ahead. Does it look like I am unduly scared about small things? Does it look like I give too much importance to little things? Even I contemplate that often now. I don’t even know how scattered my thoughts get because of some of my dreams. It pulls me into a pit, pitifully praying for it not to happen. Does this ever happen to anyone or is it just me worrying too much about dreams?

It’s clear that I am completely occupied by fear. I have often treated fear with greatest respect. Maybe that’s why it never leaves me. Fear always tends to me first before anyone else. Maybe he(yes, he) wants to keep sure that I am still in his control. How damned that makes me feel? Like an arrogant child always falling out of line and getting back herself knowing she is out of line, but after self-lashing her.

After I read Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert, I have put some of my fears to rest. The dreams I fear the most is death of a loved one. Now, my daughter’s safety has overridden it. Now, both dreams lash me equally. Usually I spend my day worried deeply and call everyone close to me to know they are fine. Now, I just try to let out a deep breath and make peace with fear.

I just say,

Dear fear,

You’ve done enough hard work to put me down today. I guess we can leave it right there today. After all, we all need a break!

Thanks,

J

Small, right? These happen on the days I have a milder and better mood. The bad mood days make me weep and convey a longer letter to fear. Do you want to read that too?

Dear fear,

You’ve done enough okay! I don’t know how to deal with it at all. I’m having enough trouble already, here, there, back, front, up, down, just stop reminding all those to me. Just don’t make me feel inconsolable. You have no idea how threatening you are. Why are you doing this? Why am I letting you do this? I feel like crying, I am angry and I just need to get out, but I am not. It is like you’re sitting right on top of my chest not letting me unleash anything. I don’t want to keep crying all day and I have so much stuff to do. Still, I feel pale, unenergetic to get anything done. I just want to get it all out, but unable to. Maybe I’d get sucked by you and live a pitiful day. Maybe I’ll just stand by pity and call myself lazy than stand up for myself. I don’t know why I owe you anything at all.

Filled with deep miserable feelings,

J

Well, unleashing my fear lets me see things for real. I don’t really like to share the sadder side of me. I’ve been so for most of my life. Now, I feel it is necessary to share those to cleanse myself and give way to happier moments. Do you somehow feel the same? Writing helps me stay off bickering. Sadly, most of my miserable moments come from bickering. One way to let go of this habit is by finding the underlying insecure reasons that activates this. I’m still trying to control myself most of the time and a word or two slip from my mouth. I said it. See, most problems from last year to this happened due to this. Too much truth in the wrong place or too much of my view about something. Both is of no use when no one is willing to listen – me included.

Isn’t it necessary to figure out when one has to say nothing at all? That intentional silence where truth is known to both parties, but it takes a moment more to realize that.

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