Mother Archives - JAYANTHY'S FREE SPACE

Gone too soon, M!

Jayanthy Govindarajan — Fri, 11 Aug 2023 15:08:13 +0000

I’ve been trying to get this off my head for a while now. It’s been more than 4 weeks now. He’s no more, yet the hope that I planted is failing to fall. I still cannot believe he’s no more. His absence haunts me, it reminds me of the opportunities that I missed talking to him. Nothing more than our Hi and Bye. Yet, when he was lying there with all wires looped from head to toe, I wanted him to get well soon, come back, play with all kids, even though his recovery would be slow.

PC@ Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

What had gotten into me, it’s just my body’s response to what happened. Fear has engulfed me, after all, I have a child who goes out to play. I see so many children who run around in so much joy and enjoy the time together with their peers. They all played together just a few weeks before.

What Happened

My neighbour and friend N’s 10 year old son passed away before 4 weeks. None of us expected this. Why would we? Why would anyone? According to all of us, he was a healthy child who played and went about with a smile on his face every time we saw him.

N’s and my daughter are classmates. So we catch up while we do the school run, when we can. Then on the sports day when I asked her, if her son’s sports day is the same day or the next, she just told he wasn’t well. I did not ask more, so I told her to take care, then we started back home. While we spoke in general while walking back, she narrated what happened.

She let me know that he had a lump near his throat a couple of days back, so they’ve gone to the hospital to get a refill of the medicine. I told her that he’ll be fine and they’d be back home soon. I also mentioned that she needs to ask for help with the nurses who are around, as they might know any consultants who could help.

The same day he was admitted to the ICU in the hospital near home. School runs continued and I was asking her updates to see how she was and what kind of help she needs. While it looked like me insisting her to talk because I could only see that they as a family needed help. My husband was in India then, so I could offer very less, but I wanted to do what I could. So did many souls here. She needed help, but she was not asking for it, so I started prodding her.

when it happened we felt

The good is that they really took good care of him. Even the parents told that they did not leave the side of his bed. However, not being able identify the root cause is my complaint here. Some instances it is not possible, but it is delayed in many cases. That’s the crisis here.

He was almost on the verge of discharge, but his condition worsened the next day. So, the next (second week) he was moved and admitted to a child specialty hospital. Things really improved there, then again in a week’s time it changed. Like one step up and four down. This is when my husband was back from India and we took turns to visit him at the hospital. A few good people around took charge of things as friends are family when you are staying away from home.

To keep it short, blood clots had formed in his lungs which caused trouble with his breathing. They had tried to dissolve it with medications, but it had given him a cardiac arrest after a few hours. It had taken them 40 minutes to fit the ventilator and the brain lost it there, because they did not anticipate for this to happen.

I saw him along with another friend for the first time at the hospital. It looked like he was resting there – Normal breathing and exhausted sleeping. I came out and told another friend that he’s fine ain’t it, he just needs that rest. He reminded me that he was on ventilator. That broke me, but still I planted that hope when N came and told her he’ll be fine. Maybe what we see on the outside is not what’s happening inside. He’s recovering is what I really thought.

2 weeks and that’s all, he’s no more. I still cannot accept it, how could the parents. We are still in the dark when it comes to what happened to him. Why it happened, how it happened are all questions we have no answers too. The hospital has sent the samples for research and further questions can be asked after 6 weeks.

WHAT WE ASKED

We were given the opportunity to ask questions to the night doctor who was on rounds along with the nurse who took care of him. We tried to ask what we knew, I also had to ask why couldn’t they anticipate this? I was extremely frustrated. When they told me that he was really recovering, we did not think about him going down again, I did not know what to say.

As a parent, just for a fever, we are prepared at home. It’s true the hospital is strained and all that. How can they not anticipate things could go wrong? It gives me a shock as to how much do they really care? They try, I am trying not to complain, but they could be prepared. The told us they have the latest equipment that’s not in other children hospitals, all I wanted to tell was do you even use it?

It could be my frustration, or emotional exhaustion, my friend lost a child. We all have children, we are planning to stay in this country, we pay taxes, the response we get when we visit GP sometimes have led us to ask those questions. If this is the response we’re getting for losing our child, I really need to think twice.

We had to ask questions about patterns, treatment for Indian patients, and some things we face here. We are used to seeing a family physician, I miss that here. Even for a regular fever, we seek the advice of a family physician, since they know the history. Here, I find that to be really a nightmare when we need to visit the GP/Hospital. I have a fear of visiting them now more than ever.

my Mind Today

I dreamed about talking to him asking him to get up as this is his last chance. It’s impacted deeply. I had to stop myself from telling he’s going to be fine. He’s no more. Work keeps me diverted, that has become a response for me to keep myself involved, but fear has engulfed all of us here more.

In many ways, I am scared to send my child out without one of us being next to her. At times, I don’t want to send her out at all. In the name of protecting her, I might harm her more. I had even scared her a couple of times when she wanted to do something. It was my fear not hers. I’m trying my best to let her be, but thinking about unfair deaths totally throws me out. After all, children are an integral part of our lives. More than what we teach them, they teach us more. Of all, they teach us to LIVE freely and responsibly.

This child died too young. I couldn’t cry because I really thought he’d be back. When I texted one of my friends when she asked me how I was, that’s the first tear I shed. Still, nothing after that. I am not sure if I am in a shock or am I searching a reason within to understand why this happened. I’ve let myself to think it all and then one day I’ll get there.

N has left to India to finish all the final rites, but we don’t want her to lose hope about coming back here. She and her family will move to a different house, but will stay in touch with us. We send them prayers and lots of love. When we lose someone we love, an integral part of us goes away with them. Only when we keep reminding us of their memories and love, it becomes our way of life to love a little more. After frustration and anger, definitely there will come an acceptance where we fill ourselves with that love that they gave us and also fill our surroundings with it.

What started out to be a small problem, ended up taking his life. Hope we build the courage to get ourselves treated when we start seeing something different in ourselves.

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Letters to My Daughter: You Are Turning 1 Soon!

Jayanthy Govindarajan — Sat, 19 May 2018 02:06:00 +0000

Dear Daughter,

I am excited beyond measure to write this letter to you. This is my first letter to you and I can’t believe you are going to 1 soon. You are just a week away from celebrating your first birthday. This is enough for me to rewind it all and cherish our memories together. My pregnancy was the easiest period until now. From the day you were born, it has been a roller coaster ride. If happiness of the ride is one thing, the head boggling it brings is another. Well, you were not just a new lesson for me, but a whole new subject. I am learning so much everyday with you. I want you to know I am trying my best to be a mother. This is a new role and a responsible one at that. My heart skips a beat whenever you fall down as you try new things, but it takes more courage to just stand there and say, “Come on, Sweetheart!” At other times, the hugs and kisses say it all. You’ve also taught me again to love without words. Your smile is everything to me.

This one year has been hilarious with you growing up everyday and teaching me to be a mother. It’s the child that gives birth to a mother. Just birthing a child doesn’t make one a mother. It is all about growing up too. So I am hoping I learn to be a better one. I know I miss on a lot of things, but you must know once I know I have made a mistake, I admit it and take efforts to make sure it doesn’t happen again. That’s also learning. There is charm in everything you do, that’s because you are learning so much everyday. There is so much excitement in you. You change the mood of your surroundings so quickly. I cannot be angry at you for long. Okay, I yelled at you a couple of times last week because you suddenly became a fussy eater, but I felt ashamed at myself for losing my temper by listening to others. Then I realized that I must “Be Me” first to be a mother. People will come up with so many ideas when it comes to bringing up a child. It isn’t easy being a mother or a wife or a woman. Don’t be scared. It’s a crazy ride, but definitely worth it. Anyway, I will talk about all this in another letter as you grow up.

On the day you were born, your Appa and I were pleased. We wanted an angel and there you were, being held by the doc. When the doctor told us “It’s a girl!” we just laughed and told, “We know!” That’s how we welcomed you. Then you started crying. Okay, we both laughed. The nurses took you to clean up and tag you. When they gave you to me, I couldn’t really believe that I delivered such a cute bunny. You were born early in the morning around 4.45. I had a long day ahead. You were busy sleeping when family visited us in the hospital. They started guessing who you looked like. Trust me, I had no idea. After guesses they concluded you looked a bit like me and a bit like your dad. Funny, no? We left to Ammama’s place from the hospital. You spent your first 5 months there. Your Ammama learnt how to bathe you and it was like playing a dangerous sport. I was so scared just watching it even from a distance. I was worried we might hurt you since you were so tiny. She did it so well that she held you like a little doll in her hands, but I got scared every time. You loved your bathing sessions. You slept right on her lap while she bathed you. You loved your bathing time. You hated your hair wash though. It was periyamma and ammama who bathed you always. You were this chubby little girl, but you suddenly looked tiny after 3 days, we had to be super careful with you. Then I learnt that babies initially lose weight because of the release of water content from their bodies. It was only two weeks later I was convinced that your weight was normal and most babies looked chubby only in photos. Chithi(Aunt, my sister) felt she has a companion for her Kungfu stunts. Didn’t you do the Hose(Martial Art Salutation to Master) to her in your second month? She was floating on air when she saw you do that!

You cried for everything. The first four months I lived completely on research and stories from your kollu ammama (great-grandmother). Your ammama and kollu ammama thought I did too much, but most things I found online were true. You cried for the first 4 months regularly to pee and I learnt it means elimination communication and you were perfectly alright by 5th. My parents were so worried they thought you had a UTI. Thanks to google during those times. I never believed all old tales, only some were true. I am only thankful I was able to find out more when I wasn’t convinced with a story. That doesn’t mean I did not trust my family, it is just that they used to feed us only when we cried and they hardly had time in their hands back then due to joint families and work load. Now, we have time to learn about your activities and also take the time to enjoy them. They all understood later what I really meant and were glad they didn’t put you through unnecessary tests. You make everyone happy, but trust me this is only until you start talking, for some more time you will make everyone laugh.

If Ammama and kollu ammama took care of your needs, it was thatha who swaddled you to sleep. You love sleeping in his arms even now. How you guys get along so well is so nice to watch. I am always more than glad to leave you with thatha if I have to go out. I even send you out with him to paati’s (my aunts) house. Your thatha is good at giving you fruits and making you sleep. Appa and thatha are fruit lovers and always encourage me to give you fruits if you don’t have your food. If not for their support, Amma would have to answer 100’s of unnecessary questions. Lucky me for their support in most things I do related to you, of course.

My mother and I did not miss each other even while I was getting married. We were just busy with all the work and wondered how things are going to be. It is only in these 5 months we bonded so well that we shed a tear while I moved back here. It was like the old times, we really missed each other. We all had great girl time there. I wanted to extend my stay there. However, I came back, because I cannot let comfort get too much into me. I definitely needed the courage to do things on my own. And your Ammama had to get back to work. You were welcomed warmly by your paternal family too. They were all excited at your arrival. Since Appa is the youngest and they had waited too long for his wife to come(Me, of course), once that was ticked off, next in line was seeing the kid. Well, your Ava (paternal grandmother) adores you. She couldn’t let you alone for even a minute. She used to walk a 100 times from the kitchen to the room just to check on you. Anyway, that was a fun time.

I made sure you were vaccinated at Ammama’s place. The place was calmer than here and you always slept better there during fever. After the first fever at our home, you lost weight and never gained it for almost 3 months straight. I was so worried and didn’t know what was troubling you. All the doctors told you were active and that’s what really mattered. I wanted to trust them so much because as parents we felt the same. However, the questions I had to go through during that phase made me go through hell for weeks. From months 8 to 10 you hardly gained any weight, but these months you started sat firmly, crawled, rolled all sides effortlessly and tried to stand up. You stood up without any help for a few seconds by the time you were 11 month old. You were active enough for Appa and me to bother about your weight.

You started enjoying tub bath from last month. You splashed all the water and enjoyed every bit of your bath time. Your Appa and you love the air conditioned room during nights while I slept like I camped outdoors on a hill station. Yes, completely covered in a thick quilt. If not for feeding you, I would have slept heartily in a jerkin. Your Appa and you sleep alike and I roll my eyes watching you guys every morning. Your Appa and you fight over ice creams and chocolates, I just laugh and enjoy watching you guys go mad at each other. You crawl up to him and literally scratch him on his chest for this. You bite everybody with those squirrel teeth(4 up and 2 down). I dare keep my finger inside. An ant bite is better, I tell you that here. The way you smile after biting is precious, but being a mother, I just enjoy it by staring at you like I am angry at what you did. To my surprise, you understand my looks so well and you stop smiling and start doing other things. You understand so much at the age of 1. Wow! When you watch TV with your Ava (paternal grandmother), you fold your hands to the prayer pose immediately when you hear “Om Sai Ram”. You are adorable my sweetheart. Initially, I planned joining work after you turn 1, but trust me, I made my decision to join work only after you turn 3. I know I will think only about you and what you need if I join now. I am so tuned to you and your needs now. Luckily, Appa manages with work and though we are tight on finances at this moment, we are working on keeping things simple. We adore you and that’s all you must know. I love it when you pick everything from the ground and give it to me before actually putting it into your mouth. I am proud that I requested you to give it to me once and you followed it from then. You love it when I say “Thank you”. You smile so beautifully when you hear it. You are overjoyed.

All your squealing and babbles are for another letter because there is so much more to write in it. Amma writes only when you sleep or when you are busy playing with your cousins. Since you will wake up in sometime and Amma has a long day today, I am finishing this letter with hugs, kisses and wishes to you. I am so happy you are blessed to have grandparents from both sides showering their love on you. The best of all excitement is your Kollu ammama always being by your side and feeling gratified just by looking at you. You are blessed to have many paati’s and thatha’s, aunts and uncles, cute little and big cousins and a big brother. A big family. I feel blessed for all these people in my life, I am sure you will someday.

With your birthday just a week away, I am wishing you good health and prosperity all your life. And you must always remember, we love you. May you learn a lot and let your curiosity bring you more learning, exploration and experimentation. May you be blessed to differentiate between right and wrong and grow up as a strong girl/woman. May you spread love and kindness to all human beings, first of all being you! Let your motto be “Deeds not words”. Thanks for being my daughter. I love you with all my heart and with your father’s heart too.

I love you Sweetheart! Happy Birthday, once again!

Love,
Amma.

Linking with Shantala for Chattyblogs

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Hush!! Mom is sleeping!

Jayanthy Govindarajan — Mon, 11 May 2015 09:59:00 +0000

Two solid weeks at home can make any woman crazy. And especially home without mom’s cooking is close to staying at a hostel. Yes, parents are out on a trip and for the first time my sister and I are managing the house all by ourselves. Well, the start was enthusiastic with a trial of different Indian dishes filling our tummies and we relishing the moments of entirely different aromas and tastes keeping us full.

Mom and Dad!

Day 4 started it all! We were almost on the verge of trying dishes just like momma, even the traditional dishes were not with the essence of mom. Well, how about maintaining the house without mom?

I accept we faced difficulty in finding some regular things right out of the kitchen. We thought we would make a 1000 calls in just a day to find each and everything. But then we sat down and made up our minds, we would give her this two weeks completely to trip and enjoy in Rajasthan while we figure out everything here by ourselves. We had trouble right from the amount of rice to be kept everyday.

When mom was home we used to talk tons and tons about other outside stuff. Its these two weeks we were talking so much about mom. We limited our calls to just once everyday. And finally yesterday being mother’s day we wholeheartedly bowed to her saying, “She is the wonder woman of our home!”

And luckily she was more inspired and wished her mom a wonderful mother’s day.
Happy and pleased to live with two different thinking generations yet having a wonderful girls night with these two woman who become kids when they start talking about their times!! 🙂

Sharing some of the moments with my guy’s mom has been wonderful too. I was surprised when she spoke to me and then we started talking like two teenage girls gossiping and laughing and trying to maintain a open secret! Laughter is the best medicine and its the best when we share it with our closest people.

For all that has happened in the past, I bow to my mother and say Sorry and Thanks!
For without her, being alive would not have made sense.

When she is back here, now we know how much rest she deserves!! 🙂

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