Gone too soon, M!

I’ve been trying to get this off my head for a while now. It’s been more than 4 weeks now. He’s no more, yet the hope that I planted is failing to fall. I still cannot believe he’s no more. His absence haunts me, it reminds me of the opportunities that I missed talking to him. Nothing more than our Hi and Bye. Yet, when he was lying there with all wires looped from head to toe, I wanted him to get well soon, come back, play with all kids, even though his recovery would be slow.

PC@ Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

What had gotten into me, it’s just my body’s response to what happened. Fear has engulfed me, after all, I have a child who goes out to play. I see so many children who run around in so much joy and enjoy the time together with their peers. They all played together just a few weeks before.

What Happened

My neighbour and friend N’s 10 year old son passed away before 4 weeks. None of us expected this. Why would we? Why would anyone? According to all of us, he was a healthy child who played and went about with a smile on his face every time we saw him.

N’s and my daughter are classmates. So we catch up while we do the school run, when we can. Then on the sports day when I asked her, if her son’s sports day is the same day or the next, she just told he wasn’t well. I did not ask more, so I told her to take care, then we started back home. While we spoke in general while walking back, she narrated what happened.

She let me know that he had a lump near his throat a couple of days back, so they’ve gone to the hospital to get a refill of the medicine. I told her that he’ll be fine and they’d be back home soon. I also mentioned that she needs to ask for help with the nurses who are around, as they might know any consultants who could help.

The same day he was admitted to the ICU in the hospital near home. School runs continued and I was asking her updates to see how she was and what kind of help she needs. While it looked like me insisting her to talk because I could only see that they as a family needed help. My husband was in India then, so I could offer very less, but I wanted to do what I could. So did many souls here. She needed help, but she was not asking for it, so I started prodding her.

when it happened we felt

The good is that they really took good care of him. Even the parents told that they did not leave the side of his bed. However, not being able identify the root cause is my complaint here. Some instances it is not possible, but it is delayed in many cases. That’s the crisis here.

He was almost on the verge of discharge, but his condition worsened the next day. So, the next (second week) he was moved and admitted to a child specialty hospital. Things really improved there, then again in a week’s time it changed. Like one step up and four down. This is when my husband was back from India and we took turns to visit him at the hospital. A few good people around took charge of things as friends are family when you are staying away from home.

To keep it short, blood clots had formed in his lungs which caused trouble with his breathing. They had tried to dissolve it with medications, but it had given him a cardiac arrest after a few hours. It had taken them 40 minutes to fit the ventilator and the brain lost it there, because they did not anticipate for this to happen.

I saw him along with another friend for the first time at the hospital. It looked like he was resting there – Normal breathing and exhausted sleeping. I came out and told another friend that he’s fine ain’t it, he just needs that rest. He reminded me that he was on ventilator. That broke me, but still I planted that hope when N came and told her he’ll be fine. Maybe what we see on the outside is not what’s happening inside. He’s recovering is what I really thought.

2 weeks and that’s all, he’s no more. I still cannot accept it, how could the parents. We are still in the dark when it comes to what happened to him. Why it happened, how it happened are all questions we have no answers too. The hospital has sent the samples for research and further questions can be asked after 6 weeks.


We were given the opportunity to ask questions to the night doctor who was on rounds along with the nurse who took care of him. We tried to ask what we knew, I also had to ask why couldn’t they anticipate this? I was extremely frustrated. When they told me that he was really recovering, we did not think about him going down again, I did not know what to say.

As a parent, just for a fever, we are prepared at home. It’s true the hospital is strained and all that. How can they not anticipate things could go wrong? It gives me a shock as to how much do they really care? They try, I am trying not to complain, but they could be prepared. The told us they have the latest equipment that’s not in other children hospitals, all I wanted to tell was do you even use it?

It could be my frustration, or emotional exhaustion, my friend lost a child. We all have children, we are planning to stay in this country, we pay taxes, the response we get when we visit GP sometimes have led us to ask those questions. If this is the response we’re getting for losing our child, I really need to think twice.

We had to ask questions about patterns, treatment for Indian patients, and some things we face here. We are used to seeing a family physician, I miss that here. Even for a regular fever, we seek the advice of a family physician, since they know the history. Here, I find that to be really a nightmare when we need to visit the GP/Hospital. I have a fear of visiting them now more than ever.

my Mind Today

I dreamed about talking to him asking him to get up as this is his last chance. It’s impacted deeply. I had to stop myself from telling he’s going to be fine. He’s no more. Work keeps me diverted, that has become a response for me to keep myself involved, but fear has engulfed all of us here more.

In many ways, I am scared to send my child out without one of us being next to her. At times, I don’t want to send her out at all. In the name of protecting her, I might harm her more. I had even scared her a couple of times when she wanted to do something. It was my fear not hers. I’m trying my best to let her be, but thinking about unfair deaths totally throws me out. After all, children are an integral part of our lives. More than what we teach them, they teach us more. Of all, they teach us to LIVE freely and responsibly.

This child died too young. I couldn’t cry because I really thought he’d be back. When I texted one of my friends when she asked me how I was, that’s the first tear I shed. Still, nothing after that. I am not sure if I am in a shock or am I searching a reason within to understand why this happened. I’ve let myself to think it all and then one day I’ll get there.

N has left to India to finish all the final rites, but we don’t want her to lose hope about coming back here. She and her family will move to a different house, but will stay in touch with us. We send them prayers and lots of love. When we lose someone we love, an integral part of us goes away with them. Only when we keep reminding us of their memories and love, it becomes our way of life to love a little more. After frustration and anger, definitely there will come an acceptance where we fill ourselves with that love that they gave us and also fill our surroundings with it.

What started out to be a small problem, ended up taking his life. Hope we build the courage to get ourselves treated when we start seeing something different in ourselves.

About Jayanthy Govindarajan

I share the reflections of my mind here as a mommy blogger. I share my parenting experiences and life experiences with gratitude.

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2 Comments on “Gone too soon, M!”

  1. I have no words Jayanthy. Whatever I’ll say will sound trite and meaningless given the extent of this tragedy. Losing a child is the saddest thing that can happen to a parent.

  2. Oh dear! This is terribly heartbreaking, Jayanthy. No one can recover from losing a child. I can only imagine your despair. How’s your daughter doing? Hugs, Jayanthy.

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