22 Things I am Thankful for in 22. Not sure how to write this post, but I finally decided to put it down this way.
- For surviving 2022 and recovering post miscarriage. The beginning of last year, I hoped I would get up and walk back to good health. When sick, the only thing that was in my mind is giving it the time to heal and getting back up. I am glad I made time / was given the time to heal.
- When you feel hopeless, there will be at least that one person who still showers that love and sees you through it. I am blessed to have a doting family and friends who were constantly asking me about my recovery. The one question asked by my daughter literally made me cry. However, it also wanted me to get up and get walking – Amma, are you going to be sick for long? Are you going to be like this forever? It scared my whole being.
- If someone helps you, never overburden them and make it feel like you deserve it every single time. I learned to appreciate the help I received while I needed it. I was being cared for really well, 2 months of uncomplaining help by the husband, thankful and blessed is the feeling. I did not want to make it feel like a LUXURY. There is a thin line between actual help becoming a demand. I am constantly trying to become aware not to cross the line. I’ve slipped, but I try not to get up again without overcriticizing it.
- If family was one thing that helped me heal, I am forever thankful for the job interview that I cleared at the end of 2021. Right by the time I was about to join, I asked for a change of my joining date. I felt embarrassed to ask for help. However, they understood and changed my DOJ without asking any questions.
- Re-joining work has given me a source of confidence that I never knew was still there in me. I was quite apprehensive if I had it in me to go ahead with a job now. Even though I decided that I would try a job when my daughter turned 5, I was scared I might not be up for it. Though my option was not IT initially due to the usual piece of mind people offered me, I decided to go ahead and do what I know. It has not just given me peace in the intellectual sense, but it has also made me accept that I really love it.
- There were friends who asked me how I am after the miscarriage, but I’ve always swept away the conversation by saying not much. Either I ended up saying, it’s only a Copper-T pregnancy, nothing to worry or it was not much to worry about. Sorry and thanks a lot to all who cared, but it is just me. I was not taking it down really well. I was worried that I might talk or lean too much on your shoulders and cry out loud. I did not want to upset or be a burden and talk about my troubles all the time.
- A lot of last year went by in shifting focus towards bettering myself. Even though I talk myself out that I cannot please everyone and that is okay, there is this person in me, who is hellbent sometimes to please someone I really like. That bit of appreciation from them really counts. It always goes in me overdoing or me trying to be the perfect person that I am not. So, I am trying to accept that and move on. I will always like them, but I hope to learn how to have a conversation.
- Though my partner and I never get to spend enough time as we would like to, we are grateful to be together. We were glad to go on trips, we have learned to make time to do the things we love, cook together, listen to whatever we can together and discuss everything. We value each other’s space and that’s really helped a lot.
- Our trip to India was eventful, cherished and emotional. First feeling is, yay, we made it post-covid, managed to visit some family and friends we love. We loved getting drenched in the sun and I loved the heat. It was so nice and the feeling is HOME feeling. However, my daughter was finding it difficult to manage, it was extreme on her. Still, I’m glad that she did her best and enjoyed playing with her friends. Loved the trip, quick trip, nostalgic trip, had a rollercoaster of emotions, but finally happy to be back home. Chennai is HOME, but Coventry is my Home now, both are equally important now.
- Glad to have a few amazing friends here with whom we could travel together, get together and laugh as well as discuss how we feel. Forever thankful for friends who jumped in to help and have been kind enough to my daughter and offered to help during my work days and her summer holidays. Not just helpful, but not once demanding or made me feel like I must do something in return.
- My daughter’s first dance performance on stage happened in 2022. We enjoyed watching what a ballet show in the theatre and it felt fascinating. It also taught me what showing up means to her. The sports day at school, performing at nativity, parents meet at school, and others. Visiting the kids’ school gives me a nice feeling, and often reminds me of my own. I am a regular, but glad her dad showed up every time too.
- The School Mum Tribe has been such a helpful and inspiring group of mums. It is really nice to have them around. Knowing the kids in her class and their mums has helped me ask them a lot of queries and also share moments with them. Children getting to join each other’s birthday party, looking out for each other at school, caring for each other, it’s really nice.
- One of my learnings has been to let go and try to remain calm, because everything happens only in it’s own time. You push it with all your might, but it doesn’t move even an inch, but when the time comes it happens. However, I am learning that being prepared helps, because it is clear that one day what you are looking forward to, will happen.
- Am I better than yesterday, better than last year are the questions that I constantly ask myself now. Be it as a parent, as a wife, as a daughter, as a sister, as a learner, as a person. Striving to be good as a person is a constant work in progress stuff. I used to be frustrated often before, but slowly I am trying to become aware of the things that frustrates me often. I am a work in progress and will always be and that gives me peace.
- If there’s one person I love deeply, it is my grandmother, she’s about 85+, but that doesn’t stop her from having strong opinions about everything. I love to talk to her even though we disagree a lot. I am glad that she’s recovering and trying to do her things by herself even during these times. Her independence amazes me and pushes me to just stand up and get things done when I don’t feel like it.
- For a good sense of humour, and the ability to laugh at the smallest and silliest jokes. My daughter has a weird kind of laugh sometimes and she does it when she is mad on us or extremely happy. It’s her mood sensing laugh, that’s one time, I cannot stop laughing out loud. At times, she joins me in and those bouts of laughter is something that I love. There’s this silly joke that initially made me feel angry, but to look at it from a child’s reasoning, I tried to take it light, and then I told her tell this to my dad and you’re going to see his other side. The joke goes like this,
5-yr-old: What’s your name? (whispered the first time, you must say mum)
Me: OKay (whispered), Mum
5-yr-old: (touches the nose) what’s this?
5-year-old: (draws a circle in the air) (whispers, you must say: nothing)
5-year-old: Mum knows nothing.
After a slight bit, after that realization, oh yeah that’s right isn’t it of sorts, I laughed with her.
- I’ve also been able to find a sense of relief in doing nothing physically, not being productive for a while and doing the emotional dumping alone. I have the chance of having the whole house to myself since I am the only one out of the three of us who works from home. Sometimes when I am emotionally drained, I just sit down and cry or colour or do nothing and it helps me move on to the next thing.
- Thankful for the health of the three of us after each of us going through one main problem at the start of the year. I bled until the end of Jan and a little in Feb due to miscarriage. My husband’s toe finger crushed under a dumbbell in February and he was not that easy person to take care. Our daughter had Chicken Pox in March. It was pretty much a jinxed feeling, but in a way winter is always the period where we rest and recover.
- Having family to lean on in a new country is a blessing. My sister’s(though I need to mention cousin) family has been a constant blessing. Not just helping us, but also guiding us on a lot of the things here. She has been patient with me and super supportive in almost everything. Even though, she’s the one who started the joke on me bringing the COVID lockdown to UK. (lol)
- Handling emotions have not been my feat for years now. Sometimes feeling too many emotions at the same time and not being allowed to feel it or being forced to feel it also causes damage. I’ve had trouble with it, at times I do not know how to handle it with my child as well. It is hard work and varies with time. Reading has constantly made me a better person. Watching a lot of movies with my kid and other movies in general has helped me handle things better. There are so many special children who require so much care, their parents are so simple and strong. I often wonder, why I cannot handle it all. I realized that caring is not just an act you show others, but deeply how you feel yourself. I’ve realized that I’m really vulnerable and that’s alright to show that to my child when it’s needed.
- I’ve not had the best medical support here for all that we went through. I was left to bleed saying it was normal and usual, even though my Hb level came down to less than 3. I am not fond of them, in fact, I am scared of them. The amount of time I was delayed treatment during one of my critical moments made me feel how inefficient a medical system could be. However, it could be that one GP in the place I live in. There could be other places that are really good, but I don’t know about them. Health is wealth they say. I cannot agree more.
- Finally, writing had taken a backseat, but whatever I wrote, I did it with my whole heart. Maybe a lot of outdated posts might come up in 2023, that’s only because I want to push them out of my drafts and make my writing a memory that I want to remember, in the coming years.
Thank you for reading my year that was. Wishing you all a fantastic year ahead.
Critic Me: Funny that you’re posting this almost at the end of the month.
Not so funny me: Well, I managed to complete it only now.
Overthinker Me: Well, maybe I need to edit more.
What-if Me: Old post sort of feeling, maybe others would have it better.
Critic Me: Of course, what were you even thinking.
Cribbing me: nobody will like it.
Philosophical Me: Dude, it’s for you that you are writing, cherish it.
Me: Take a break guys, I’m publishing this right now.