Much Love Monday: April Heartaches and Acceptances
April is the month that keeps me thinking about a lot from the past. It’s all about losing your loved ones. I lost my Uncle before 7 years this month. I lost my darling pet Jhansi who was just 7 months old before 3 years. I lost my good friend the same year. 2016 April was not an easy month, while I wanted a shoulder to cry, I became the shoulder to lean on to.
My uncle’s death was very sudden and it still churns my stomach when I think about those moments. Though it still looks like it all happened just a year before, it is already 7 years. It changed a lot about my family. It changed my dad and made him insecure. Losing his cousin brother made him guilty, angry and sad. It’s only after death we feel deeply about the chances we missed. My father became very unapproachable and he was treading on fear that anything can happen anytime to anyone. Life by the end of 2012 was troublesome.
4 years after that, life slowly turned from being miserable to manageable. In December 2015, Chennai streets were flooded overnight due to ineffective planning. I still remember waking up to water everywhere. There was so much chaos everywhere, though that’s the moment we found peace as a family. That was the time we all sat down and spent time together. Those 4 days will be etched in my memory beautifully. We spoke a lot to each other and switched off the denial mode that surrounded us otherwise. We had a lovely little stray dog who had come a week before the floods and she became my companion. I call her my savior. She changed my life and made my father finally cry and gain the peace he had lost years before.
A lovely companion who kept me busy for 4 months after I quit my job. I looked after her day and night. I argued and even fought with anyone who wanted to send her to a pet house/shop. We named her Jhansi because she had a warrior look on her face. She was a warrior. She taught me to buck up and be brave. She looked fragile, but there was a strength in her that anyone can see. I have a detailed post about her here.If you wish to know about this darling, read the post. You will fall in love with her. I cried and cried with no strength left to bother about anything. I dwelled in silence and my parents understood and let me be.
I quit my job in January 2016 and spent full time with the pets at home. Also, this was the time my school dearie S and I became close. We spent so much time talking with each other and made so many plans that never worked out anyway. Still, we spoke a lot, whenever we had the chance. We created chances to talk. Maybe that’s how it works. I missed her dearly after training at Infosys, but failed to keep in touch. Here we were talking like there were no yesterday’s and no tomorrow’s. I didn’t want to miss any more time. I didn’t want anything to end, come on, we just started all over again. The thing is, we never know when anything actually ends.
We spoke about our lives. What went wrong for us, what is going good for us, what is keeping us strong, what is making us cry! She was such a strong soul. She was going through a storm, still one would never guess that if they talk with her. The heartiest woman I personally knew. I don’t think I am even 10% of what she was. I am not putting myself down, but openly accepting the fact that I have to learn to smile during adverse times. We all have demons inside us, but only some of us fight it everyday and fly high. She was that devil who woke up everyday and faced her illness bravely. Even a day before she passed away she laughed and conversed with someone dear to her. She longed for conversations that kept her going. We all do, right?
When I came to know that she passed away through my school group, just a week after our last conversation, I asked the girls to cross-check. I told them it was impossible that it’ll be her. What came back made me cry.
She suffered so much right before she died. She didn’t deserve a life like that. I know her. She needed the peace. She had had enough. Though I miss her, she needed that peace. Rest in Peace, my dear, for you will always be in my heart.
I realized when I saw a quote just before a couple of days. If there was something I could be to keep her with me, is stay cheerful always, for life is short, but it’s only you who can make it sweet.
If you have lost someone you hold dear, you will realize it is their kindness that made them special. Be that! Be Kind! I have a lot to show on that. I wish I have a more kind heart and the ability to understand without judging. This is what I wish for myself this year.