For a person like me, who gets annoyed at small things, mindfulness and gratitude might be the key. At least from what I have read about it and also felt when I am truly thankful. Parenting has opened a whole new level of stress for me. It isn’t really taking care of the little one, it is truly about handling the entire world of comments. I stress on this because I am a mother to a 15 month old and I am afraid that I am a bad mom. I yell once in a while at her for not eating and also raise my voice when she imitates other kids. At times, it makes me cry. It makes me wonder what kind of a mother I will become because kids will be kids and she is just a toddler. I want to be parenting in a positive way, but I am not sure if I am anywhere near it! Maybe my true reasons are shadowed in this. I want to find them in this journey.
I am afraid my yelling will continue and become worst in the coming stages of parenting. See, this is the scary part. I believe my thoughts. I overthink and also believe that I might not be a good parent. Overall, I am losing my self. At times when I sit down and think, I wonder where all the once-upon-a-time calmness is hidden in me. I miss my lighthearted moments. I miss how I care for myself. I miss how I care for all my people and things. Something somewhere has changed. Anyway, it is time to gather all the pieces and fix the puzzle.
So, I decided that mindfulness is the key to my confusion.
1. I am dead serious about my thoughts – A total time waster
This is one of the main reasons, I choose to practice mindfulness. I watch my thoughts and also believe them like that is something happening right in front of me. My thoughts are very creative. That makes it all the more interesting to view it. That can also simply be called day-dreaming. I am surprised that I quickly spend the little time I get for myself like this. I learnt to watch my thoughts, what I must learn is not to take them seriously. Maybe I must work towards saying, “Oh my dear, you are really taking a toll on my energy levels, so kindly keep it calm.”
2. At times, I suppress my emotions
If I am bored, I clearly state it and move out of there. That is who I was, I felt that was rude. Now, I am trying my best to hear out the other person before I make the move. I am trying to relate incidents and talk about it. Somehow this has helped me in less occasions. I wish I know how to politely deny bullshit without rolling my eyes. I can’t talk unless I have something to say. Similarly, I don’t like to hear repeated stories all the time along with too much self-praise. I switch legs for a start, then look at the time and finally just look clearly bored. At other times, when something I don’t like happens in front of me, I become speechless. I don’t clearly state that I don’t like what’s happening, instead I just become silent. I feel silence is golden and give the silent treatment.
When people understand then it’s okay, if not, I feel I get too hot to explain. I feel explanation is not required. I must learn to explain what I feel so that I first understand my own feelings. I share my thoughts in a better way through words. I think I must continue writing to keep myself in check. I always take time to communicate myself. I take time to communicate my feelings. I don’t really open up to everyone. I don’t really feel it is necessary to open up to everyone. I am not a follower of conviction and suddenly someone pushing me to follow it made me feel threatened. I realized I feel much better when I stay me and also make others feel better!
3. I take things personally
This is very important for me. I hardly understand code words. Unless people tell things directly, I don’t really understand it. When people tell directly it takes me few minutes to come back to normal immediately. I am hurt quickly too because of it. So, I need to learn to respond to people in spite of comments and also stop sharing my own comments. Lots to learn especially when it comes to making peace with myself and the world. It is okay to not follow the norms. We don’t have to follow every norm there is to make everyone happy. People keep changing and so do the norms. I realized it is always better to stick to my own principles and clarify to the world that it is okay if they aren’t going to give me company for being me!
4. Worrying Kills Easily
This is a mood changer. I wonder if I actually make a list to worry about everything and also revisit it. I worry so much. If we had a conversation about what I worry about, I think you will have fits of laughter and maybe I will also. Or maybe like Joey broke the happiest dog, I might actually tire you! Before I take great efforts to cut out our relations, I better cut down on the worrying. I realized I worry because I don’t want to take someone’s problem as mine in the name of helping them. I have enough on my platter already. Also, I stay at the sympathy instead of moving to empathy and giving
With many more reasons lining up behind these, my best bet would be to practice mindfulness. I know that would help me become a better person and help me slow down and see things as they are not as I want them to be.
Do you want to practice being mindful? What are your thoughts on it?
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