The 2AM Conversation with Myself

I tried hard to sleep, but I couldn’t. The only time I cannot sleep is when I’m overthinking something. Maybe it’s getting too hot in there. I wished for a mind-dump. I started writing down to think slightly better. The 2AM write down began:

All I really want to do is slow down, spend some time doing the things that makes me happy. Spend some time with my child and my partner doing the mundane growing up things. Honestly, nothing out of the ordinary, just plain routine life.

I really wish I could soften up a bit. I try hard sometimes and get there, but on most days it’s still difficult. My hard feelings have hardened me up, this only means that I am not fond of sharing my true feelings with everyone. Day by day, the number of people I could connect with has become significantly less.

No, I am not worried about that at all. Somehow, I am at peace when I run my emotions with them. Am I sharing them with the right people, sometimes yes, at times, I think I do, but sometimes I don’t. The constant thought is how to handle the rest of them.

When someone is trying to have a conversation with me, I am unable to come up with a response. The main reason being it’s not a conversation, but mostly someone telling me something about myself or asking me something about someone. How do I respond to that?

Stone floor
Image Courtesy: People who really need help are overthinking it because of people who keep asking it all the time!

Familiarity Breeds Contempt

There are moments where I’ve shared a good deal with people whom I considered close, but that always comes with a price. Expectations became demands and it turns ugly. These experiences might have made me wise, but it has made me overly cautious. I don’t think twice before talking to someone new but think much more than that.

To the people I already know, I have forgotten how to talk again because I cannot meet their demands all the time. What started out to be a help at one point, started growing into demands slowly.  My polite responses have now become here goes again of sorts. Some have started giving me sweats that I have started to avoid them wholly because I cannot handle myself to bring a polite response anymore.

What was once a polite response, has had its share of complexities with my already complex emotional wiring. When expectations and demands situation goes out of hand, my husband and daughter have faced my wrath.

We all need help from time to time, but one must never overdo it. Laziness is often the source of many problems. Someone’s laziness must never become your reason to overdo work. A lazy person will not understand what you do for them, it’s only a demand met. Laziness often leads to greed too.

Want vs Need

The meaning of help has changed a lot or maybe I understood it only now. If you do not have coconut to make korma, then you make it without it. You don’t knock someone’s house at 8 in the morning to get it from them.

Again, if you’re making korma and you are short of coconut, you could still choose to use it or leave it. When none of the shops open till 10 and if and only if you need, then you could ask a friend or two if they have and could help. You make it a point to return it after you buy, also plan better for yourself next time.

The difference between both is the want and need. Want is sourcing it from someone because they’ll never say NO; At times why do you want to buy something that you get for free. Postponing the spending at someone’s cost, even though eventually you will have to.

Need is you couldn’t get it at all, but you would be happy to get it if you could. You underestimated your ingredients; the help is appreciated and will be duly returned at the earliest.

Sometimes WhatsApp status becomes the true source of misery. I’ve stopped sharing status due to inappropriate asks.

Money is important to me, but I try to look at someone beyond it. We are all trying to save money, but it is different for everyone. While I do not prefer to save money on these things, I do not expect anyone to understand it.

I don’t try to save on my daughter’s school photo by asking someone’s copy and taking a print out from it because it’s cheaper. Neither do I ask someone for a copy because I ordered a similar looking photo twice. I don’t save money by making friends with people who could offer me free services – food or photo.

Are they Questions?

I took up a full job recently and one question that I am constantly asked by some are how you manage. Truly we all could help each other and be thankful. However, I’ve had trouble on that front when I say it’s hard sometimes, if not for that question: then why did you take the job? I am annoyed when someone asks how I got the job. Honestly, what’s that question?

As a family we have some routines. We try to keep up at it as much as we can, when it messes up it’s not great, but we try all over again. We struggle like every other working parent, but we try to do what is within our reach. I could empathize with you, but I would not advice how to deal with life.

We recently bought a bicycle for my daughter. When she went down to ride it, I was told that I was not smart enough to buy a cheaper option. I never asked anyone an opinion on it, I will never. Neither am I fond of people commenting on what we spend, one particular one that was pretty personal was spending lavishly for a short stay.

My daughter’s safety is as important as the quality of the bicycle. I’ll keep it for a while, so I think it’s an investment, maybe someone else cannot see it as such and that’s alright. I’m not in the mood to change their mind to make someone see the point. Even if I am selling it to some other child, that child’s safety is equally important to me.

More Questions

She is 5, why is she still riding on stabilizers. I didn’t know even riding a cycle had a growth chart.

You are not eating well, how will your daughter eat? I was trying to be polite while I said no at someone’s place recently. If I’m still being forced, I’d only say I don’t eat sweets. I’m okay if my daughter is not eating at someone’s place too. Don’t worry, we still make food at home in case people think otherwise.

Why is your parent always with you when you come down to play?
One 5 year old to my 5 year old, my husband was surprised.  I told him that he must walk often with that crowd to get more surprising questions.

My daughter is sometimes excluded from some kids’ groups because I go down with her. I love to see children play, even though I do not like half of what they talk. There’s something nice about their playing together, why would I miss that. Sure, it becomes a chore on most days, but it’s my duty.

Not sure if this is called overparenting/ helicopter parenting, or whatever it is. I will keep an eye on her and be around her until I feel it’s okay for her to deal with the right and wrong.

Spending Matters

While the husband cooks dinner, I take her down to play, and otherwise. I can argue she’s just 5 or she’s 5 already. I don’t know, I need some more time. Also, I find it easier to watch or talk to kids. At times, I find kids too rude or bully a lot, so there’s a lot of crying that happens, so I just want to know how it is like to be a kid today.

As a working mother, sometimes school holidays are not true source of enjoyment when you have a single child. Most times I have to take her to holiday clubs at school. It surely burns a hole in my pocket, but this is expected. My child is my responsibility. We all have money crunches, but I do not like to use that as an excuse to not spend money on something that’s important.

I have always preferred to have kids over at my place when I could, because it is company for mine. Some think that way and it’s nice to send her over to someone’s house once in a while. It surely brings with it a lot of troubles, but that’s when they learn a lot too.

What I do not like is knocking someone’s door just because I do not want to pay. I cannot host them at my place even though I work at home. I do not wish to call this help. It’s natural that help is offered mutually when you’re merely neighbours. It’s often what do I get in turn for this. I am not a fan of this.

One can argue, help comes with no expectations. Sorry, that’s not true at all times. I’ve noticed people ask help mostly from people who they have the chances of receiving it. Or someone pulls it as a joke at every chance they get to get their demands met.

A Helping Hand

Help is the new name for meeting someone’s demands. This is why I’ve hardened up at the word. I’ve thought so much about it in my life, especially if I need something done back home. I could have done in the past or sometimes now, but I try to keep it to a minimal. My parents are turning old too, what’s going to be too expensive here that I’d have to ask my father to pack and send from there?

I’ve had panic attacks over help requests. My daughter finds it extremely difficult to cope with me during these times.

When we cook at home, she plays a part in it. Stirring or cutting veggies with the buttering knife, or just to play with water, she volunteers. It’s nice, it’s relaxing, it’s bonding.

I want my daughter to consider cooking as a skill, the time and effort to learn something is important. We both cook at home; she’s used to it. She does not know otherwise at the moment whether I work or not.

Why Do I have to Work?

When I first started working, she questioned why I need to work. I could just be happy staying with her. Well, initially I got angry because I’ve been hearing this for a while from adults too. However, I got curious with her. I had to explain that I used to work, and she will too when she grows up. She asked me if her school was her office. I said sort of, you learn, we learn too. You make friends, we try too. You have fun, we do too. So, yes.

One of my friends gave me a sane advice while I was trying for interviews. Let your daughter get used to seeing you have a job. It’ll do it’s bit in their life. My husband supports as much as he can by taking work from home, when I need to be on-site. She asks if today her father would take care of her because mum is at work. This might be a small thing, but this is huge for me.

We all have so many things to take care of with or without children. I’m not saying be kind, that’s a huge ask. I’m only saying first learn to do your stuff as it’s your duty, responsibility.  Stop putting your duty on other people.


Even though these are complaints, there’s always those moments I have to be thankful for. For people who have always chosen to help someone in real need. We all need help sometimes, kindly do not overdo it.

About Jayanthy Govindarajan

I share the reflections of my mind here as a mommy blogger. I share my parenting experiences and life experiences with gratitude.

View all posts by Jayanthy Govindarajan →

2 Comments on “The 2AM Conversation with Myself”

  1. I hear you, Jayanthy. So many questions that can never be answered to the questioner’s satisfaction. One question I hate getting is why am I not working. Earlier I couldn’t work here because of visa restrictions. But now I got work authorization, so anyone I meet, new or old friends, has this question. I stopped connecting with a friend because she takes pity on my jobless situation. I am happy as a writer, but that is considered as a hobby. Some might think I am living off my husband’s salary, but he knows my being flexible is enabling him to do his work better.
    You don’t need to explain anything to anyone, Jayanthy. Those who understand would never bother you with such questions or expectations, and those who cannot understand would never understand no matter how well you explain your side of the story. All that matters is you and your family are happy with the life you are living.

  2. I agree with Vinitha.All that matters is you and your family are happy about your lifestyle. Only you know how you feel and what’s good for you. Parenting is not easy and spending time with your kid is your prerogative let no one tell you otherwise. Help those in need along the way.

Share your thoughts in the comments section, I would love to hear from you!