There’s nothing, really nothing

Here I am, shouting out to each and everyone I know,
“I don’t want this, I don’t want this!”
Every one asked me only one question, “Why not this? Do you have something else in mind?”
I said, “No! But I don’t want this!”
Every one said, “If there is something else, then there is a point in saying NO, otherwise this is the safest you have! Every bit worth it! Why no?”
I said, “There’s nothing! That’s all!”
Everyone said, “You are a kid! You don’t know the world. It will be like this only, then you’ll get used to it.”
I just sat there crying, not knowing the words that I should use to convince the entire world that I want to be left alone.
Every time I get a call, I get a panic attack, who is going to say what now?
Everywhere I went, the question was the same, why NO? I had the same answer which simply got on their nerves, “There’s nothing. I don’t want this!”
They liked something that I couldn’t see. I could see something else that they couldn’t. And I did not have the words to explain that particular feeling I felt to anyone around me. Words never came. They thought it was Love and it left me dumbstruck. Only I knew, it was pain and hurt that could not be expressed in words to deaf and dumb or precisely I dint know how to make these people around me understand.

Every person I meet/talk,
tell me only one thing.
Its not worth the pain you are going through.
Just move on!
I cry alone all night, so that I could smile in front of them!
I talk all night to myself, so that I can be a little sane in front of them!
Couldn’t they see I am doing it for them?
Can’t they just once ask what I really need?
Engulfed by fear and living with pain, I dint want it to ruin anyone around me.
I stayed alone, smiling as told, talking as told, burying my feelings for the rest of the world to be happy.
Now and then, my heart would tell, Run away! Doesn’t really matter about the consequences.
“How could I?” I would question my heart
“What would happen to them?”, I asked
“You are just going down the drain, cant you see for yourself”, my heart said.
“Its ok”, I told
“I don’t know how to explain, I have not asked them anything so far, how could I ask this”, I wondered.
“Wouldn’t it make them feel bad”, I thought.

Why can’t they read that my lips lie about the decision just for them?
Why can’t they read my eyes and say you are really in pain now, don’t decide anything. Calm yourself.
Why can’t they just let me be?
Why can’t they see that she never fakes when it comes to something she really likes?
Why cant they see that there are feelings beyond the words?
Why cant they see that she is forcing herself not to accept her limitations just for them?
Why cant they just leave her alone?
Cant anyone see she is too afraid to even open her mouth after the mistakes so far?

She knew “Too many cooks spoil the broth!”
She just saw it for real in her own life.

About Jayanthy Govindarajan

I share the reflections of my mind here as a mommy blogger. I share my parenting experiences and life experiences with gratitude.

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