When someone wishes me with the cliche, May all your dreams come true, deep down, I am scared. There are dreams that scare the the hell out of me and I wake up flushed. I wake up thinking this should never happen in mine or in anyone’s life ever.
When it comes to wishes, I keep a simple May goodness/joy fill you this year and have a wonderful day/year ahead. Does it look like I am unduly scared about small things? Does it look like I give too much importance to little things? Even I contemplate that often now. I don’t even know how scattered my thoughts get because of some of my dreams. It pulls me into a pit, pitifully praying for it not to happen. Does this ever happen to anyone or is it just me worrying too much about dreams?
It’s clear that I am completely occupied by fear. I have often treated fear with greatest respect. Maybe that’s why it never leaves me. Fear always tends to me first before anyone else. Maybe he(yes, he) wants to keep sure that I am still in his control. How damned that makes me feel? Like an arrogant child always falling out of line and getting back herself knowing she is out of line, but after self-lashing her.
After I read Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert, I have put some of my fears to rest. The dreams I fear the most is death of a loved one. Now, my daughter’s safety has overridden it. Now, both dreams lash me equally. Usually I spend my day worried deeply and call everyone close to me to know they are fine. Now, I just try to let out a deep breath and make peace with fear.
I just say,
You’ve done enough hard work to put me down today. I guess we can leave it right there today. After all, we all need a break!
Small, right? These happen on the days I have a milder and better mood. The bad mood days make me weep and convey a longer letter to fear. Do you want to read that too?
You’ve done enough okay! I don’t know how to deal with it at all. I’m having enough trouble already, here, there, back, front, up, down, just stop reminding all those to me. Just don’t make me feel inconsolable. You have no idea how threatening you are. Why are you doing this? Why am I letting you do this? I feel like crying, I am angry and I just need to get out, but I am not. It is like you’re sitting right on top of my chest not letting me unleash anything. I don’t want to keep crying all day and I have so much stuff to do. Still, I feel pale, unenergetic to get anything done. I just want to get it all out, but unable to. Maybe I’d get sucked by you and live a pitiful day. Maybe I’ll just stand by pity and call myself lazy than stand up for myself. I don’t know why I owe you anything at all.
Filled with deep miserable feelings,
Well, unleashing my fear lets me see things for real. I don’t really like to share the sadder side of me. I’ve been so for most of my life. Now, I feel it is necessary to share those to cleanse myself and give way to happier moments. Do you somehow feel the same? Writing helps me stay off bickering. Sadly, most of my miserable moments come from bickering. One way to let go of this habit is by finding the underlying insecure reasons that activates this. I’m still trying to control myself most of the time and a word or two slip from my mouth. I said it. See, most problems from last year to this happened due to this. Too much truth in the wrong place or too much of my view about something. Both is of no use when no one is willing to listen – me included.
Isn’t it necessary to figure out when one has to say nothing at all? That intentional silence where truth is known to both parties, but it takes a moment more to realize that.