JAYANTHY'S FREE SPACE

I read. I admire. I love. I write. I laugh. I live! I love to think loud and the reflections of my mind are in my blog!

To Dwell on Scared Dreams

When someone wishes me with the cliche, May all your dreams come true, deep down, I am scared. There are dreams that scare the the hell out of me and I wake up flushed. I wake up thinking this should never happen in mine or in anyone’s life ever.

When it comes to wishes, I keep a simple May goodness/joy fill you this year and have a wonderful day/year ahead. Does it look like I am unduly scared about small things? Does it look like I give too much importance to little things? Even I contemplate that often now. I don’t even know how scattered my thoughts get because of some of my dreams. It pulls me into a pit, pitifully praying for it not to happen. Does this ever happen to anyone or is it just me worrying too much about dreams?

It’s clear that I am completely occupied by fear. I have often treated fear with greatest respect. Maybe that’s why it never leaves me. Fear always tends to me first before anyone else. Maybe he(yes, he) wants to keep sure that I am still in his control. How damned that makes me feel? Like an arrogant child always falling out of line and getting back herself knowing she is out of line, but after self-lashing her.

After I read Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert, I have put some of my fears to rest. The dreams I fear the most is death of a loved one. Now, my daughter’s safety has overridden it. Now, both dreams lash me equally. Usually I spend my day worried deeply and call everyone close to me to know they are fine. Now, I just try to let out a deep breath and make peace with fear.

I just say,

Dear fear,

You’ve done enough hard work to put me down today. I guess we can leave it right there today. After all, we all need a break!

Thanks,

J

Small, right? These happen on the days I have a milder and better mood. The bad mood days make me weep and convey a longer letter to fear. Do you want to read that too?

Dear fear,

You’ve done enough okay! I don’t know how to deal with it at all. I’m having enough trouble already, here, there, back, front, up, down, just stop reminding all those to me. Just don’t make me feel inconsolable. You have no idea how threatening you are. Why are you doing this? Why am I letting you do this? I feel like crying, I am angry and I just need to get out, but I am not. It is like you’re sitting right on top of my chest not letting me unleash anything. I don’t want to keep crying all day and I have so much stuff to do. Still, I feel pale, unenergetic to get anything done. I just want to get it all out, but unable to. Maybe I’d get sucked by you and live a pitiful day. Maybe I’ll just stand by pity and call myself lazy than stand up for myself. I don’t know why I owe you anything at all.

Filled with deep miserable feelings,

J

Well, unleashing my fear lets me see things for real. I don’t really like to share the sadder side of me. I’ve been so for most of my life. Now, I feel it is necessary to share those to cleanse myself and give way to happier moments. Do you somehow feel the same? Writing helps me stay off bickering. Sadly, most of my miserable moments come from bickering. One way to let go of this habit is by finding the underlying insecure reasons that activates this. I’m still trying to control myself most of the time and a word or two slip from my mouth. I said it. See, most problems from last year to this happened due to this. Too much truth in the wrong place or too much of my view about something. Both is of no use when no one is willing to listen – me included.

Isn’t it necessary to figure out when one has to say nothing at all? That intentional silence where truth is known to both parties, but it takes a moment more to realize that.

Jayanthy Govindarajan

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Jayanthy GovindarajanAnamika AgnihotriSuzySoumyaObsessivemom Recent comment authors
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Shailaja Vishwanath
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Hey Jayanthy, first of all big hugs. I can quite imagine what that must feel like because this was exactly how I used to spend my days in my schizophrenia state. Have you considered the possibility that you may have clinical anxiety? One -off instances are okay, but from what I am reading it appears that the anxiety is deep rooted. If so, a counselor may be able to help.

I’d recommend reaching out to Shilpa Halwe to get tips on managing your anxiety. Her blog is filled with useful tips from one who suffers from anxiety.

Take care.

Obsessivemom
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Oh I agree fear is the most powerful feeling of all. While sometimes it can motivate people at others it can be totally debilitating. I get what you’re feeling, some days are like that for me too. I’m glad you found the underlying reason for your fear. Sometimes it is hard to control oneself, that’s not to say it cannot be done. Sending you positive vibes and hoping you can voice your truths without fear.

Soumya
Guest

I’m with Shy on the anxiety bit. I am going through the same so I know what this is and how it feels. Take one day at a time and slow down deliberately. It is not easy to stay calm in such situations but taking a step back always helps.

I’m just a message away, reach out whenever you feel like talking.

Love!

Suzy
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Anxiety can be pretty debilitating. Glad you’ve found a way to deal with it. I liked the book Big Magic as well.

Anamika Agnihotri
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I can tell you I know that place very well, the one you have described. Writing helps me. as much as consciously working on changing the thinking pattern and replacing fear and negative reactions with a deep breath and a positive thought. Creating a positive thought does not always work especially when I am in the hole. You have been doing good with writing letters to your fear. Many of us are writing our ‘Morning pages’ dealing with what all is in our head first thing in the morning. Shilpa Gupte and Vinitha Dileep have done their posts on the… Read more »