Rant Archives - JAYANTHY'S FREE SPACE

To Dwell on Scared Dreams

Jayanthy Govindarajan — Mon, 22 Jul 2019 20:17:42 +0000

When someone wishes me with the cliche, May all your dreams come true, deep down, I am scared. There are dreams that scare the the hell out of me and I wake up flushed. I wake up thinking this should never happen in mine or in anyone’s life ever.

When it comes to wishes, I keep a simple May goodness/joy fill you this year and have a wonderful day/year ahead. Does it look like I am unduly scared about small things? Does it look like I give too much importance to little things? Even I contemplate that often now. I don’t even know how scattered my thoughts get because of some of my dreams. It pulls me into a pit, pitifully praying for it not to happen. Does this ever happen to anyone or is it just me worrying too much about dreams?

It’s clear that I am completely occupied by fear. I have often treated fear with greatest respect. Maybe that’s why it never leaves me. Fear always tends to me first before anyone else. Maybe he(yes, he) wants to keep sure that I am still in his control. How damned that makes me feel? Like an arrogant child always falling out of line and getting back herself knowing she is out of line, but after self-lashing her.

After I read Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert, I have put some of my fears to rest. The dreams I fear the most is death of a loved one. Now, my daughter’s safety has overridden it. Now, both dreams lash me equally. Usually I spend my day worried deeply and call everyone close to me to know they are fine. Now, I just try to let out a deep breath and make peace with fear.

I just say,

Dear fear,

You’ve done enough hard work to put me down today. I guess we can leave it right there today. After all, we all need a break!

Thanks,

Small, right? These happen on the days I have a milder and better mood. The bad mood days make me weep and convey a longer letter to fear. Do you want to read that too?

Dear fear,

You’ve done enough okay! I don’t know how to deal with it at all. I’m having enough trouble already, here, there, back, front, up, down, just stop reminding all those to me. Just don’t make me feel inconsolable. You have no idea how threatening you are. Why are you doing this? Why am I letting you do this? I feel like crying, I am angry and I just need to get out, but I am not. It is like you’re sitting right on top of my chest not letting me unleash anything. I don’t want to keep crying all day and I have so much stuff to do. Still, I feel pale, unenergetic to get anything done. I just want to get it all out, but unable to. Maybe I’d get sucked by you and live a pitiful day. Maybe I’ll just stand by pity and call myself lazy than stand up for myself. I don’t know why I owe you anything at all.

Filled with deep miserable feelings,

Well, unleashing my fear lets me see things for real. I don’t really like to share the sadder side of me. I’ve been so for most of my life. Now, I feel it is necessary to share those to cleanse myself and give way to happier moments. Do you somehow feel the same? Writing helps me stay off bickering. Sadly, most of my miserable moments come from bickering. One way to let go of this habit is by finding the underlying insecure reasons that activates this. I’m still trying to control myself most of the time and a word or two slip from my mouth. I said it. See, most problems from last year to this happened due to this. Too much truth in the wrong place or too much of my view about something. Both is of no use when no one is willing to listen – me included.

Isn’t it necessary to figure out when one has to say nothing at all? That intentional silence where truth is known to both parties, but it takes a moment more to realize that.

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Unanswered…………. #MondayMusings

Jayanthy Govindarajan — Mon, 18 Jul 2016 11:00:00 +0000

Past…. A way we lived.

As my travelling time is almost 4 hrs to and fro to work, I have all the time in the world to check out the road outside my bus. The wackiest thoughts are about the number of turned over cars,lorries, sometimes even tractors and any other vehicle lying on the road dismantled covered by blood and flesh. Every time I find any vehicle on any side of the road in an awkward position then it is a symbol of accident.

The Highways has seen more to it. The sides of the National Highways and State Highways are mostly covered by a lot of bushes and thickened by trees. When you look into the depths of those sides you’ll find some vehicle that had met with an accident long back. Losing some of my mom’s cousins in a car accident has made her avoid such scenes on the highways whereas my mind opens up for these inquiries. I know this must be weird. Right from my college days, I am seeing stuffs like this and so accidents for instance has become a part of daily routine and nothing more.

But when I was contemplating about these minor and major road accidents the only thought that was constantly revolving in my mind was ‘Were they with their family after a happy outing/trip?’ ‘Did they ever know that this would be their trip straight to the gates of heaven/hell?’

Image Source: Google

There are so many other questions left unanswered………..

Who are we to blame in an accident?

Do the stressed life style add to the increase in accidents?

Is accident a mistake every time?

Why we people don’t dare to show any kind of humanistic disciplines even in the scenes of accidents?

When people are curious to see accidents why are we not curious enough to help?

Why are a lot of school vans meeting with accidents now-a-days?

Why the hell do we need money and power when it is of no use to anyone?

Why on the face of the earth are people running behind money and power?

Is money worth without the power?

Is power worth without money?

Why do people spend their life and soul for the sake a small appreciation?

Why people who try to be perfect mostly end up having a trauma?

Why on earth am I thinking of all this??????????

List continues..

Why is it always easy to ask questions than to find answers??

WHY???

#Sad #Curious #Unanswered #MondayMusings

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I want a stable Internet Connection! Is this possible?

Jayanthy Govindarajan — Mon, 13 Jun 2016 11:30:00 +0000

Summer rains cooled Chennai’s heat waves. Even the homeless would have enjoyed that chill rains for sometime. Now Summer is gone and Monsoon is on!

My Internet gets sick during the monsoon! It’s my Internet’s time to face connectivity issues every now and then!

Image Source: Google

My Wi-Fi has been acting crazy for almost two weeks now! I am supposed to finish most of my writing work within 5 PM in the evening which I am not able to! I have pending blog posts and writing deadlines almost everyday! Being a freelancer isn’t the most easiest task with intermittent connectivity issues.

My mornings go by helping my mom in the kitchen and finishing my household chores(which I rarely participate, I prefer to sleep)! By the time I am ready to write, my Internet stops working! I am thinking and re-thinking if I need to switch my connection to another service provider! 🙁 My current service provider is good at resolving issues, but not quick.

I do not prefer to spend more money on dongles or other super-high Internet recharge packs. I just registered a complaint with my service provider and I am looking forward to working with them to resolve it!

This, I do not like!

I want my country to offer better customer support to it’s citizens first! I hope to have a stable internet connection soon! It’s awful without the Internet, especially now that I have started updating my blog again! 😉

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Sunday Stealing Meme: 25 Fun

Jayanthy Govindarajan — Sun, 25 Oct 2015 16:54:00 +0000

Sunday stealing Meme again!!

25 Fun Meme

Stolen from: My Random Randomness

I stole it from Sunday Stealing 🙂

1. If you were trapped in a room with the person who asked this for 24 hours, what would you do? The answer cannot be romantic or sexual.

A. That would be a strange one for a start and a lovely experience later I believe. Since we would be from different parts of the world, We must have a lot to know about each other. Like a bloggers day out! After all communication is the most powerful instrument.

2. If you could learn any language instantly, what would it be?

A. I like French for its beauty, but i prefer German! 😉

3. If you could only read one book for the rest of your life, what would it be?

A. I have one book named the lightwing and the dreamwalker. I have read it twice till now and both the times it has given me a different view about myself. Otherwise, it’s The power of now, its so powerful and so present that I forget what I read the moment I move to the next page. Some of the slogans from sivapuranam.

4. Favorite song lyric?

A. Way tooo many. To be specific I love Michael Jackson’s songs, every song has a beauty to itself. And Westlife has set my standards very high about guys and love.

5. Favorite Albums

A. In India every movie has 5 to 6 songs. So there are so many albums very close to my heart. A.R. RAHMAN, Deva, Illayaraja, Anirudh are some famous Indian music directors and many many more!

6. Which time of day would you say is best for you work-wise?
A. Anytime that is calm. Early morning before 8 or 10 and evening after 5, if I am at work.

7. Favorite city that you’ve visited?

A. Mysore

8. Favorite city that you haven’t visited?

A. Well lots in the list in India especially the north and many in the south as well.

9. If you could donate $10,000 to charity, what charity would you pick?

A. I haven’t visited much places. But I have been a part of an NGO in Bangalore, Samarthanam Trust, they have been so helpful during my tough time. Its them, they help the blind to study and get jobs and provide residence too.

10. What is one book you wish you could get all your friends to read?

A. Many, Robin Sharma’s books, Ruskin Bond’s Funny side up and Freedom is not free by Shiv Khera

11. What is one movie you wish you could get all your friends to watch?

A. Every K.Balachander’s movie because I am currently watching these. Otherwise, the usual list that pops up in the IMDB list.

12. What do you think people assume about you from first glance?

A. People have said they assume I don’t talk much. Well, they also think I am arrogant. I laugh..

13. If you could play any musical instrument, what would it be?

A. I love to listen to anyone who plays the guitar, but I love to play the piano.

14. What is your favorite item of clothing?

A. Skirts and shorts. Learning to drape the saree properly.

15. Who was your first follower on your blog? Do they still follow you?

A. Subash Chander my blogger friend. But he has stopped updating his blog now.

16. If you could create one thing, what would it be?

A. The mindset to handle any failure that comes. Even better, the school that teaches children how to handle failure in life.
On a lighter note, lots of DIY projects at home.

17. Favorite superhero?

A. Thor! 😀 Indian, its Jai Hanuman

18. If you were to write an autobiography, what would you title it?

A. Maybe The Journey Of Finding Myself, with the help of everyone around

19. If you were to have a band, what would you call it?

A. Haha.. Never thought about that.

20. What is your favorite card/board game?

A. Card – uno and supplement. Board – carrom and ludo. 😉 Scrabble

21. What was the first IM service you used? Who was the first person you talked to on it?

A. yahoo i think. College friends or cousins.

22. If you could give a friendly hug to any one person, who would it be? Cannot be your romantic/sexual partner if you have one.

A. My cousin sister. I just did that today. After a long time felt happy.

23. Have you ever won any sort of contests? What kind?

A. I have participated in few contests and many I have lost closely per what the judges have always said. I have to participate in more. I will going forward.

24. Who was the last person you hugged? Cannot be your romantic/sexual partner if you have one.

A. My aunty before I left for the day from my cousin’s birthday today.

25. If you could be skilled in any one activity, what would it be? Cannot be romantic or sexual.

A. Writing. I love to write. 🙂 And maybe talking :p

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The Working Woman That I Am

Jayanthy Govindarajan — Mon, 19 Oct 2015 15:30:00 +0000

Stressed!

The mind of a working woman is determined by priority. This could be taken as a double sided sword statement. Being a working woman and a homemaker is possibly the toughest job available on this earth. I had many doubts on how a woman chooses her priorities for which I found my answer only today. The tough decision came when I had to take the day off from work especially with so much filled in my plate. The highest priority of all stood my sister’s sleeping pattern since she is unwell from the past week. It was such a pain to see her resting like a sleeping beauty waiting to be kissed to wake up! 😛 I was suffering from a never ending headache throughout the weekend due to stress at work which kept me from becoming the sane creature that I am.

With parents out of town, sleeping sister and my pet waiting to be let out to enjoy his walk in the rain, I could do nothing but to sit and gobble as much food as I can to while away the stress on top of my head. Better than ever, there was nothing cold available other than the Dosa batter and a plate of Idlis at home. I preferred to have a glass of warm milk with a teaspoon of honey before I slept on my cluttered bed as one among it without thinking about the day ahead of me.

As I write this article, I am still not set to start to work tomorrow, but left with no choice other than the hope that I have Dussera coming this week. Guess I quit the job at the right time, surely can’t afford to stay in an account that makes me feel lost!

Now I see my mother in a totally different perspective as to how she struggled her way with the work-life balance with two kids and a big household!#RESPECT!

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SundayStealing: Swiped Meme

Jayanthy Govindarajan — Sun, 18 Oct 2015 10:45:00 +0000

Swiped Meme

1. Did someone die in that last movie you watched?
A: Nope. I watched a Tamil movie released in the year 1986 yesterday. And it was comic-drama named Samsaram adhu minsaaram. No one died, but everyone’s ego dies in the movie! 😛

2. Are the trees pretty colors outside for you now or at all?
A: Thankfully, I am surrounded by a mango, a coconut tree and a curry leaf tree.

3. Have you ever made a bad first impression on someone’s parents?
A: Oh Yes, I wish I had made it on a particular person’s family. It could have resolved a big problem for me.

4. When’s the last time you video recorded something on TV?
A: I just took a photo from the running news and it was APJ Abdul Kalam’s death news! 🙁

5. What is a career you wanted to have when you were younger, and still kind of want to have now?
A: Many actually. I can specifically say a couple of them. A pilot when I was a kid. I have thought about being a Radio Jockey for almost a decade! 😛

6. What are your views on sunflowers?
A: I remember something from the school days:
“Like a Sunflower that follows every movement of the sun!”

7. What is your favorite incense or candle scent?
A: Sandal and Rose.

8. Caramel apples or candy apples?
A: Candies! 🙂

9. Have you ever walked into a wall?
A: Many a times! 😀

10. Would you ever or do you make your dog wear a bandana?
A: I would love to. I want to try that for my pet.

11. Do you find dandelions when they’re gone all white pretty?
A: Nope!
12. What makes you laugh?
A: Everything silly but only when I am not angry.

13. The scariest moment of your life?
A: The one thought that scared me to the core of my life happened two years back! Thinking about it still scares me!

14. What’s the coolest thing you’ve bought lately?
A: I am going to get a cell phone now.

15. What’s the worst you’ve had to do because of losing a bet?
A: I had to pay 100Rs! 😛 That’s a lot when you have little to spend at the end of the month. But nothing worst. Touch wood.

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Fallible Human Nature

Jayanthy Govindarajan — Sun, 11 Oct 2015 13:50:00 +0000

India is one of the wealthiest nation, but not even one resource is managed efficiently here. We either misuse our resources or under-utilize them. Incorrect estimation has become the most efficient criteria of the higher management. The need to say NO has increased in our society which has increased negative thinking because we DON’T know what a YES world will be like. No one talks about what is possible for the chosen timeline but are interested in choosing more than what we can do.
The main reason corporates fail is due to mismanagement and misuse of power by middle management. The other reason is the thoughts of youth is suppressed for the so-called benefit of business. I read a book in which the “Rights of Every Individual” was listed out clearly since we have forgotten many, I felt it is time to re-iterate this. If an organization or educational institution or family makes a person feel inadequate, then its time to sit back and think about ourselves so that we watch down before we take the next step before we watch up again.

An Individual’s Rights:

To be treated with respect
To state needs
To define own limits
To express feelings and opinions
To ask for time before agreeing or disagreeing
To make own decisions
To say ‘I DON’T know’ and seek clarification
To make mistakes without feeling guilty
To hold own values
To be listened to when speaking
To refuse responsibility for other people problems
To set own goals in life

In order to rule the world, we need to learn to rule ourselves.

So many years I was in both extremes in estimating myself, underestimated till now and overestimated way back in time. Now leaving estimations to just business, I feel I want to watch every action I perform!

The statement “To err is human” holds 100% true! As someone rightly said, we learn only from others, either by observing or talking with someone. People around us tell, show and help us think! Right and wrong are opinions based on an individual’s mindset according to the situation they are in.

So, accepting the fallible nature of self is the first step in learning!

posted from Bloggeroid

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SundayStealing: That Alphabet Thing Meme

Jayanthy Govindarajan — Sat, 10 Oct 2015 16:37:00 +0000

Sunday Stealing Meme: That Alphabet Thing

A: Accent — Indian, Chennai Tamilian
B: Breakfast — Pongal and some white bread!
C: Chore you hate — Cleaning! 😛
D: Dad’s name — Go-win-the-Rajan (:P)
E: Essential everyday item — At this moment Mobile phone
F: Flavor ice cream — Blackcurrant
G: Gold or silver — Both!
H: Hometown — Chennai
I: Insomnia — Only when I am stressed, thankfully not now.
J: Job title — Test Lead
K: Kids — I love them till they start crying!
M: Mother’s birthplace — Chennai
N: Number of significant others — After a bit of trial and error, finally found the 1!
O: Overnight hospital stays — I am allergic to hospitals
P: Phobia — Of Heights
Q: Quick at — Writing
R: Religious affiliation — Believe in God
S: Siblings — Younger Sister
T: Time you wake up — Struggle at 5:45 AM in the morning to catch the 6:45 AM Bus. Otherwise, 8 maybe!
U: Unnatural hair colors — Would love to try Burgandy or like the Red haired Weasley! 😀
V: Vegetable you refuse to eat — Bittergourd
W: Worst habit — Procrastination and Over-thinking
X: X-rays — My mom’s latest was the heel spur, it scared me after my sister’s head scan
Y: Yummy — Everything mother cooks
Z: Zodiac sign — Gemini, so much for liking twins! 🙂

Let’s continue stealing!

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Daily Tools – Day 1 – Learn a new dish

Jayanthy Govindarajan — Fri, 22 Aug 2014 07:45:00 +0000

Slowly I am working on my energy level to last for a day. I know there were times when my energy never drained till before sleep. But that’s when I never concentrated on problems in hand and my only goal was to be happy today!

Gone are the best days and good things in my life. Well, I want to cut it out right here.

I’ve drained my energy levels enough and into the drains. Now my entire plan is to consciously work on it so that I can make it last irrespective of the problems.

Today I learnt a recipe with Tindora. It is known as Kovakkai in Thamizh. I choose to have very little of it if made at home till date. But now change of plans!! I shopped myself and cooked it myself today. I am planning for another recipe too with it. For today this is how it looks! 🙂 unable to share pic! 🙁 however will try and update the post with one soon! 😉

Have a wonderful day!
Do what you love but do it the right way! 🙂

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Dear Phone

Jayanthy Govindarajan — Tue, 25 Feb 2014 17:56:00 +0000

Dear Phone,

Trust me, I really know what I’m writing! When I really need help I wait for you to show options! So now stop correcting me when I am writing in all joy and fun of writing! Also know that there are more languages than you think you know! I discover words everyday better add them if its used multiple times rather than telling me they don’t exist! Thanks! I love you and hope you really understand that! That’s the reason I’m even telling you this! And I’m really happy that you are happy to stay in my hands irrespective of the torment the previous phones have gone through. I appreciate the courage and I’m happy to hold you and take you along with me wherever I go! You are a great companion! 🙂

Will get a new cover for you soon! Take care! 🙂

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