Rainbow feels a lot closer to heart for all of us. It brings with it hope and revival after glumness. I am a strong believer of nature’s symbols and always think about rainbows as nature’s showers of blessings upon me. There’s always something to smile about, be happy about. These tiny moments in life are true blessings that I want to feel thankful for.

Since each colour of the rainbow represents a strong emotion, I thought about bringing it all together to write something. At difficult times, message from the universe offers reassurance. I was in severe self-doubt that evening when I was back from work. When my family offered to go out for a walk even though the weather was windy outside. Had I chosen to sit down and sulk, I would not have had this experience in my life.

The walk brought in such a lovely evening of togetherness. It made me realize that challenges always lead to better changes within us. The beauty of family and nature was present fully that evening for me. At that minute, I felt very blessed.

I also read somewhere that rainbows represent a connection between physical and spiritual worlds. They calm you and help you to look forward to new beginnings, helping you feel that better days are coming soon.

For this moment, I strongly felt that I was in tune with my purpose. Even though I felt like a failure that day, seeing the rainbow made me feel that I was receiving an important message from the universe. It re-iterated everything that my husband told me before we walked out, this is an important moment in your life. Somehow it truly felt like a comforting message.

This rainbow is also close to my heart because it sent me the message to trust myself and stay strong. It narrated to me the importance of staying focussed, and speaking up is important when you really have to. It showed me the importance of building a strong foundation to who I am and just keep building on it. Patience and Silence are two key elements that I am working towards to build myself for my new dreams.

What’s your favourite rainbow memory?

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It has been so long. It has really been a very long time since I wrote on this blog. Now, I’ve told to myself more than a million times How miserable can this get. Anyway finally decided to move this blog as well to a free Word press blog in the coming months. I’ve recently moved my other blog. This decision has lifted a big weight out of my head. It’s not that I wrote here in a long time anyway. It’s made me feel a lot less guilty about this whole space.

I realized it is not going to be easy to find that extra time to sit down and write. I am exhausted by the end of the day. It’s never easy to find that space to sit down and write. I have taken the time to understand myself. Even as I’d love to spend the time to sit down and write, I am not doing that. I remembered the time I used to tune into the blog as a place to sit down and reflect my thoughts.

I cannot be the do-it-all mum or the beating myself hard mum. I’ve had enough of the pain of pricking myself with the pin. As a person with multiple interests, one thing I do every day now is, Breathe Out a lot and see if I can make time for anything that is not work, home or family or phone related stuff. What do I do for myself? Absolutely nothing to be honest.

Writing has always been my kind of theraphy. Time and again, it has been a place where I’ve just poured out. Be it a journal, a piece of paper or on a phone. Penning my thoughts has always given me good sleep. On sleepless nights, writing, scribbling has helped me get back to bed and have a good sleep. I am trying to remember the time where I would sit down, write with absolutely no distraction. When I started this blog in college, this was my cocoon. Not a brilliant writer, but liked to write.

It was freeing, hence I named the blog the same way. It’s me thinking out loud in this blog. I did not have the slightest worry of who read it, what they will think about my thoughts. I just wrote as a open space for my feelings. And lots of random thoughts poured. When I tried to segregate them into more meaningful posts, it started making little sense. As I tried to mould myself into something else following trends, I lost the interest to write.

Now, I just want it to flow again. I am sitting and typing this at my work desk at home, channelling out the loud TV noise in the next room. Right behind on the couch, as my daughter is telling an endless story, just nodding my head listening with the third ear and pouring these words down. Heavy eyelids, writing after 9pm, neck in sheer pain after staring at the laptop beyond work hours, I can’t believe I am writing again.

Breathing again now, it’s going to be a good night’s sleep today! I want to break my own self-talk of not doing enough of self-care. This is one of my key self-care routines. This blog has not just helped me put my thoughts together. It has helped me in many ways beyond explanation.

Thanks my dear blog for always being there for me. It’s going to be a fresh start 🙂

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Words don’t capture, they release. Matt Haig, The Comfort Book

That moment when I read this page, I was relieved by my wanting to write something, somewhere, anywhere. If not the blog, then the journal. If not the journal, then just a random piece of paper, nothing really fancy at all. Just write. It’s just that writing in bits and pieces never makes their way to the blog. However, for that moment I am free since my mind becomes clear. When it comes to writing in a blog, I am still at a point where I need to make time. Since I can only put my thoughts in silence, I need that quiet. There’s sometimes very little of it in the day, but definitely it’s not a complaint, I am grateful.

I have been thinking to put this together for a while now. I wanted to put these thoughts out on the paper to release them from my mind. Finally they are out here in their home. This post is mainly for me to reiterate to myself about parenting. What I feel about parenting, not just the roles and responsibilites but the fears and premonitions that comes with it. Everyday it is more of me telling myself about raising a normal child in today’s extraordinary world. A couple of years before I wrote a post on my other blog, how parenting is hard. In the recent times, I have this openness to accept that parenting is hard, but being a child is harder. Being there for your child always, is hardest.

As a parent, I chew on random thoughts every minute of the day. It took me a while to understand what my husband has always said – what will happen will happen. In the name of trying to protect her from everything there is, I hardly let her be. Keeping her in front of my eyes is not called keeping her safe. When I see something I start thinking all that could go wrong in the next 20 years. Just the thought is terrifying.

However, for a minute after I breathe, I tell myself that I am exhausted just thinking about it. I sometimes think my mind is like a social media feed which I keep scrolling endlessly without thinking. The thoughts are not as fascinating as it looks on the feed, but colorful enough to tire my eyes. These are times I realize I’m so out of touch with myself. Time to pour my thoughts out in any piece of paper or let them go to clear them off.

Yesterday while walking back from work, a random thought popped up. How busy I thought I was when I was a college student. Now I wish I had some more fun then. I wish I took a breathe, enjoyed that moment a bit more without the thought of what the future holds. Today what I am doing, where I am, though I am happy – it is nothing close to what I had imagined it to be. I didn’t once think that I need to make friends all over again after or that I will move to a new place. When I try to think about my own relationships, I still find it hard to have conversations with new people. When I talk, there’s very little to start with or so I feel. Adult friendships without motive is rare.

Asking my daughter to just go and talk and make friendships sometimes feels like a harder job in itself. Some children are curious, they ask questions openly. This way there’s no offense taken. That’s far better sometimes than children building a wall stating you’re not allowed in my place. As a parent, I could see how hurtful that behavior is, I put myself in her shoes then. When the parent doesn’t utter a word, it makes me lose trust about the world. However, I always tell my daughter, when you make a friend you’ll know it in your heart. There’s hope somewhere in me still.

We all need someone our age to understand what we go through even if we have a sibling. For someone who’s an only child, then imagine, it’s a lonely world, even if you have parents playing with you. These friends sometime stay with us longer or sometimes the journey is short, but the memories are good. I was a shy kid at school. If not for the two girls who initiated conversations and made me their friends, I would have hardly opened up. I had a lot of cousins at home, so I preferred peace at school, I thought. They both made me realise we all need someone. So many years later, these two girls have been my besties throughout my life.

As a parent, I could feed the child, be there, take care. I can tell her what I think I know, teach her right from wrong, but her way through the world will teach her life more than what we do as parents. For the child to process it all, to absorb it all, it not only takes years. There is a lot of learning for them, yet a lot of unlearning too. These will be only from her experiences she will face. The one question that keeps me going as a parent, Does what I say and what I do match-up?

There will always be external pressures in our life wherever we are. What really has to happen is the change in me, the need to rise up to being a parent. Listening to her world, the way it is, grasping it, being a learner in her world, just learning to be there. It is definitely not easy, with so many new words and lifestyles and cultures to understand. Life today is different for children especially with everything available to them in the internet. Type it and whether you like it or not, you get more than what you want to know. Are they in a position to digest it all. When do they need help, do they know they need help at all? After all who do they have if not us?

It might look like I am available to her too much, but the truth is, me being there is important. As a parent, I have come from being a full-time mother, to a working mother. I love my job, but I always joke about it as a diversion from family business. My career growth is important to me, but being there for my child in today’s world is more important to me now than ever.

After all, we are all she has. And she is all I have. It’s cliche, but right now I am parent, not a friend. Probably, in another 10 years life will be different and she will forget that I was strict with her as a parent, or will remember it was for the best for her – I don’t know. That’s her story to tell, not mine. Today, the only thing I want to do is being there for her. I want her to know only one thing, she is loved, she will always be loved.

Once I read somewhere, in your whole life if you have 5 people who loves you with all their heart, then you are blessed. We want to be her family she could rely on. I don’t know about 5 people, but right now she has only 2 people who she sees all the time and it is so tiring if I am going to be telling her what not to do all the time. I have failed a million times in learning to be there for her, but I could see that I am a little bit better than last year. That’s all that counts for me.

Learning to be there for her has also made me be a bit better with myself. Whenever something happens, I could see that I tell myself, it’s okay and I can get through this one thing at a time. It’s true that children in our life help us learn so much about ourselves through them. I have a really long way to go. However, at this minute being here counts.

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I’ve not been much interactive at all through any social media channels including WhatsApp. I never managed to even message some good friends to ask them how they are. I just hoped all was well with those ones and moved on. Most of my conversations was only about work. The exhaustive list of work pressures and things to-do that had crowded my mind is done now. I’m glad just that thought makes me feel free and relaxed now.

When there’s so much to deal with, my focus is usually scattered. However, I’m glad that I have made a few good ways to use my energy. Saying Yes to these have not only made things better, but also has kept me on the move.

Writing was that leisure holiday, that I never took. I could have at least had the room to myself for a few minutes or hours. After all, I am just glad to be here, finally writing something down. It definitely feels like a breath of fresh air. That tight grip in the head has loosened automatically now.

They kept me moving

These 7 things kept me going in 2024. I am glad that I used whatever energy I managed to gain and keep going happened because of these.

Work : This definitely keeps me going till date. We had the biggest Go-Live after working for almost 2.5 years in this project. The Live happened on my birthday. I moaned a bit about it, but totally loved the whole experience. This place has given me so many wonderful challenges as well as learning and the best people. What more can I ask for. I’ve worked hard to be where I am now. Having learned so much in the last 2.5 years about healthcare, I feel proud to work in this sector that has so much potential. I am happy to be cherished by the team. It has been a lovely journey so far to be part of such a wonderful team.

Health: If not for Shailaja and Saranya, I wouldn’t have been able to accomplish whatever I did. I didn’t run a 5k yet, nor walked 10000 steps everyday. It’s not even doing the 108 sun salutations or eating the perfect meal everyday that I can call proud achievements. It is about prioritising to choose to move every time over choosing to sit-down and talk or watch irrelevant things. Health is not complete without adding good nutrition. It’s choosing that extra bit of protein and fibre in every meal. If I say, I re-tried overnight oats and loved it, it would be an understatement. Yoga classes have also been one of the best things that’s happened in 2024. Such a brilliant master, such amazing students and morning workouts – the best always happens in unexpected times. And of course, what would we 3 do without songs and dancing in our lives.

Family: What would I do without them. The vacation to India proved to be the most exhausting one, yet I loved being around my people. Just like time spent with children is never wasted, so is time spent with family. It was always any one of them. Now that I get the dose in moderation, I wanted to make sure I spent it well. Mum, dad, ammama, in-laws, uncles and aunts, cousins whom I managed to meet and all the amazing fun we had. I cherish this as I grow older and thankful to be blessed with such amazing family.

Friends: When all I need is a break, this is where I get it. Maybe we weren’t drinking beers and relaxing in a beach-house (maybe I’ll save that for later). It’s always conversing like there is never a tomorrow. I wished my daughter managed to come with me, but she’s wanting to next year. That’s my girls always, just being there is fun. Undoubtedly, I’ve got just a couple of close ones here. It’s always a pleasure to have some open conversations without having the slightest doubt of judgement, I’ve learned from them how to be.

Love: If not for my partner, there’s no way I could have managed it. Though we live quite diverse lives, the thing that connects us always is conversation. It has been quite a difficult one for him in almost every segment of his life. He’s always been thankful, always doing the best he can where he could, and focussing on the present moment. It’s been quite a journey for us where work has overtaken a lot of my time and conversation. Had I been in his shoes, I would have handled it differently. I must thank him for always choosing kind while only I try to choose kind when I want to. The best moments we spent together are definitely the walks we went together. Saying the Yes to walks was worth it.

Kid(s): If not for her, I wouldn’t be unlearning and relearning a lot about myself and life itself. From trying to stay calm while she lets out a screeching tone (amma), to trying to focus on the okay now that it happened, can we see what we can do next, she does the inner engineering for me. Above it all, she’s kind and she loves it when I am kindest with her (can do that only in the holidays, so far). She’s growing so quickly that it’s like by the time I get there, she’s already on the next step. I really have a lot of parenting catch-up to do. Now that she’s got two little cousins, she’s been a lot of I’m the older sister responsibility. My nephew is my very own and will always be. As my niece grows up, she’s going to be such a sassy queen.

Reading: I’ve managed about 10 books and I must say every read was a brilliant one. Yes, I spend more time reading books with her, reading to her that I find less time to read mine. I love the kids books, never managed to read them before, nor knew them before. The variety is encouraging and sometimes, it’s all pleasantly funny. There’s a lot of laughing out loud moments when I read to her. I like it. We do the voices, she corrects my accent, it’s Gabby not, Gaby.

Photo by Jayanthy Govindarajan on Unsplash

It’s been quite a journey in 2024. Looking forward to 2025, especially to write and be in touch with people. <3

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That made me think, definitely English rhymes also had it’s share of history. The Wellerman song had a heart-crushing history that I must write in another post. The one Shalini shared about taxation of beer for the Jack and Jill seemed more appropriate to me as Beer is the language here! Well, the point is she got me thinking.

Since I have vowed to watch a few movies that my husband recommended (because I don’t make the time to watch them when my daughter is around), I must say a couple of them helped me with these references.

Jack and Jill in my world

Every time I read this quote, I only thought it talked about the past of my nation. Never once I thought it existed that day or will be a part of my life wherever I go. Being born in a city and living amidst a mix of culture, I was naïve to many comments about differences.

Discrimination is a crime
Discrimination is a sin

Indian Text Books

When you move states or countries, it is termed racism. What I understood is that no one is a threat to another. It’s only in your thinking. Broaden it, it will open a world of history where you appreciate another person’s life as your own. How can we broaden it? Read, watch think and discuss, that opens up perspectives that helps you view the world in a different way.

I appreciate movies where they focus on the importance of education. Some children fail to understand the importance of education, whereas it is often unreachable for those who are in dire need of it. Coming from a middle-class family, little did I know that my parents had to take a lot of talks for educating us in private institutions. After getting into college, after listening to some comments, I’ve asked my mum to explain many inside stuff.

It took me a while, to understand how my parents were treated, how we were treated and the power of knowledge. I was late to get there, but for someone like me, my parents are my backbone. They let me be, but they have taken precious care of me and I am here today because of them understanding the power of knowledge. I am not everything that my father wanted me to be, but I appreciate how he held me in his palms all through my childhood, even today. My mum was really cool and trusted me completely.

At one point, I broke their trust, still, even then the way they held me is because of they being just who they are: Their character plays a vital role in our upbringing, both of them read amazing books and encouraged us to read and above all their honesty to do the right thing and live within their means, along with the respect they had for their elders taught us so much.

Reference 1

So, here when I mention Jack and Jill, two references came to my mind. You must have guessed the first one. Jack and Jill are the parents who have climbed a hill to give their children a life of their dreams. It takes them a lot to get there. Their struggles, their pains and their dreams all come together. Parents wish only the best for their children. They guide their children to become a better version. Yes, they have their pressures, but their focus is on their children. They appreciate not just their children, but all the children in the family. These are the people who teach other children to dream and achieve and treat all children equally.

If the father is down, the mother can come down quickly too. My parents have spent 37 years together and most of the conversations they have ever had are about us. Whatever they planned, they planned it with us. Be it a trip, be it buying new stuff, everything. The only thing they had for themselves and truly believed they had was each other and us. As they’ve grown old, they’re need to be with each other is only more. They’re growing old together and even though they constantly pull each other’s legs in the passing, I’ve never seen them allow anyone else to do so.

I’ve messed up a lot, they have fallen down because of me, but they got up. They made me get up. This time we only grew together as a family, however, that’s also only because of them.

Reference 2

The other is that every Jack and Jill are the boys and girls who look forward to education as a tool to achieve their dreams. They are children from all walks of life who want to study and believe that they can change their world through learning. To forget their everyday problems, they shift their focus towards education. They believe they can lead a respectable life for them and their people. Here, I reference the Hill as the School and the pail of water is the drop of knowledge that is bestowed upon them.

As a society we are extremely conditional of children. Many people find ways to hurt the ego just to change the person. To be ashamed of their self and the kind of life their parents have provided them is a common way to make someone feel low. My parents did their best, still at that age I was vulnerable and believed I was bound to fail, to never have my head held high. If we get the money, we could be equals and would be respected had a big effect on me. However, the norms only kept changing and I was like the donkey with the carrot held in front of it.

As another example, my cousin who had all riches was constantly bombarded with random comments that made him feel small. Even though he had all riches, personally he was never a mean person even once. He was constantly being commented from how weird he was to he’s who he is because of the riches only. He is still the most humble and polite person one would meet, but as we know it the comments continue.

This Jack and Jill are the children who are being told how to live, how to be by someone who does not truly care(this comes after taking it all). Breaking the shackles the society sets(firstly relatives) and living life on our terms is equally difficult for a man and woman. As much as we talk about women empowerment, we need to appreciate every man who stands up for himself in situations that people purposely create to torment them.

Who’s Rich?

A humble and a smart man is hard to find because those qualities adhere to being truly kind and polite. However, they are coined as foolish by a lot since they are not flimsy and floating, but deep and steady. Similarly, women who stand up for themselves, who treat other men and women as equals and are not threatened by others are not appreciated.

So, who’s rich? Those who value education and treat people right. Also, those who could help someone else without discriminating them because of their caste, creed or religion, but only because they can help spread the power of educating children. This changes lives forever.

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PC@ Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

What had gotten into me, it’s just my body’s response to what happened. Fear has engulfed me, after all, I have a child who goes out to play. I see so many children who run around in so much joy and enjoy the time together with their peers. They all played together just a few weeks before.

What Happened

My neighbour and friend N’s 10 year old son passed away before 4 weeks. None of us expected this. Why would we? Why would anyone? According to all of us, he was a healthy child who played and went about with a smile on his face every time we saw him.

N’s and my daughter are classmates. So we catch up while we do the school run, when we can. Then on the sports day when I asked her, if her son’s sports day is the same day or the next, she just told he wasn’t well. I did not ask more, so I told her to take care, then we started back home. While we spoke in general while walking back, she narrated what happened.

She let me know that he had a lump near his throat a couple of days back, so they’ve gone to the hospital to get a refill of the medicine. I told her that he’ll be fine and they’d be back home soon. I also mentioned that she needs to ask for help with the nurses who are around, as they might know any consultants who could help.

The same day he was admitted to the ICU in the hospital near home. School runs continued and I was asking her updates to see how she was and what kind of help she needs. While it looked like me insisting her to talk because I could only see that they as a family needed help. My husband was in India then, so I could offer very less, but I wanted to do what I could. So did many souls here. She needed help, but she was not asking for it, so I started prodding her.

when it happened we felt

The good is that they really took good care of him. Even the parents told that they did not leave the side of his bed. However, not being able identify the root cause is my complaint here. Some instances it is not possible, but it is delayed in many cases. That’s the crisis here.

He was almost on the verge of discharge, but his condition worsened the next day. So, the next (second week) he was moved and admitted to a child specialty hospital. Things really improved there, then again in a week’s time it changed. Like one step up and four down. This is when my husband was back from India and we took turns to visit him at the hospital. A few good people around took charge of things as friends are family when you are staying away from home.

To keep it short, blood clots had formed in his lungs which caused trouble with his breathing. They had tried to dissolve it with medications, but it had given him a cardiac arrest after a few hours. It had taken them 40 minutes to fit the ventilator and the brain lost it there, because they did not anticipate for this to happen.

I saw him along with another friend for the first time at the hospital. It looked like he was resting there – Normal breathing and exhausted sleeping. I came out and told another friend that he’s fine ain’t it, he just needs that rest. He reminded me that he was on ventilator. That broke me, but still I planted that hope when N came and told her he’ll be fine. Maybe what we see on the outside is not what’s happening inside. He’s recovering is what I really thought.

2 weeks and that’s all, he’s no more. I still cannot accept it, how could the parents. We are still in the dark when it comes to what happened to him. Why it happened, how it happened are all questions we have no answers too. The hospital has sent the samples for research and further questions can be asked after 6 weeks.

WHAT WE ASKED

We were given the opportunity to ask questions to the night doctor who was on rounds along with the nurse who took care of him. We tried to ask what we knew, I also had to ask why couldn’t they anticipate this? I was extremely frustrated. When they told me that he was really recovering, we did not think about him going down again, I did not know what to say.

As a parent, just for a fever, we are prepared at home. It’s true the hospital is strained and all that. How can they not anticipate things could go wrong? It gives me a shock as to how much do they really care? They try, I am trying not to complain, but they could be prepared. The told us they have the latest equipment that’s not in other children hospitals, all I wanted to tell was do you even use it?

It could be my frustration, or emotional exhaustion, my friend lost a child. We all have children, we are planning to stay in this country, we pay taxes, the response we get when we visit GP sometimes have led us to ask those questions. If this is the response we’re getting for losing our child, I really need to think twice.

We had to ask questions about patterns, treatment for Indian patients, and some things we face here. We are used to seeing a family physician, I miss that here. Even for a regular fever, we seek the advice of a family physician, since they know the history. Here, I find that to be really a nightmare when we need to visit the GP/Hospital. I have a fear of visiting them now more than ever.

my Mind Today

I dreamed about talking to him asking him to get up as this is his last chance. It’s impacted deeply. I had to stop myself from telling he’s going to be fine. He’s no more. Work keeps me diverted, that has become a response for me to keep myself involved, but fear has engulfed all of us here more.

In many ways, I am scared to send my child out without one of us being next to her. At times, I don’t want to send her out at all. In the name of protecting her, I might harm her more. I had even scared her a couple of times when she wanted to do something. It was my fear not hers. I’m trying my best to let her be, but thinking about unfair deaths totally throws me out. After all, children are an integral part of our lives. More than what we teach them, they teach us more. Of all, they teach us to LIVE freely and responsibly.

This child died too young. I couldn’t cry because I really thought he’d be back. When I texted one of my friends when she asked me how I was, that’s the first tear I shed. Still, nothing after that. I am not sure if I am in a shock or am I searching a reason within to understand why this happened. I’ve let myself to think it all and then one day I’ll get there.

N has left to India to finish all the final rites, but we don’t want her to lose hope about coming back here. She and her family will move to a different house, but will stay in touch with us. We send them prayers and lots of love. When we lose someone we love, an integral part of us goes away with them. Only when we keep reminding us of their memories and love, it becomes our way of life to love a little more. After frustration and anger, definitely there will come an acceptance where we fill ourselves with that love that they gave us and also fill our surroundings with it.

What started out to be a small problem, ended up taking his life. Hope we build the courage to get ourselves treated when we start seeing something different in ourselves.

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I found my love for coffee only in my early 30s. I have always loved the aroma of filter coffee, even the instant one, but my love for it never went beyond the first sip. Until my 30’s, I’ve stuck to saying that I don’t drink coffee, but have never said that I don’t like it. I don’t take the liberty of wasting a cuppa outside. Also, at home, the first sip is the best and there’s nothing more to a coffee than that.

The first sip is the hottest and the most aromatic it can be. According to me, the full flavour is felt and that one sip satisfies me not wanting for more. Filter coffees are given in the smallest cup, but I’d prefer it even smaller than that. Just that one sip, that’s all. I could not say I have not had a full cup, I’ve had it a couple of times in the past because they said that it will keep me awake. Alas, even a cup of coffee couldn’t do that.

I also drink a cup of milk in one go than stop and sip. For me, that warmth needs to stay in a hot drink. That’s not possible so I don’t do that with coffee. One cuppa warm milk, all in one go before I rush out of the house to catch my office bus is an easier choice. Coffee has never been my go to for long. I love to just watch my mum drink her morning coffee in peace, but I’ve never allowed her that peace. I constantly tried to talk her out of drinking coffee that she’d say please if you can go and do something that you want to do rather than bother me while I drink.

That first cuppa

My husband had his first cup of black coffee as part of his Ketogenic diet in 2019. He introduced me to that first cuppa. I was hesitant to try it, coffee with milk doesn’t interest me, why would plain coffee be any different. I let him know that I’ll try it later.

When I made up my mind to try it, I was mesmerised by a full mug of coffee. I remember it so vividly because that was my first mug of black coffee. It was raw, fresh and warm right from the first sip and as it went down my throat. That urge to take another sip was there. Took another sip and it really felt like a warm hug. When I finished that full mug, it felt like someone had hugged me for a long time. That feeling of warmth felt comforting.

At that point in time, maybe I was too exhausted with lots of things in my life. Maybe I’d even thought too much that makes me wonder as I write this: why did that cuppa feel like a warm hug? Self hug, maybe? I don’t know. It just felt so good. I never felt the urge to make myself a cup of black coffee in Chennai. When you have a dad who makes tea and also puts a plate of some crunchy and mouth-watering Indian snacks, why would I not taste the chai. Tea is a story for another day. However, it’s different if I’m here. My morning starts with a slightly hot cuppa black coffee.

Put that Kettle On

Sometimes the hot mug gets gulped during calls, or stretches for a longer time over calls. There’s been times when I’ve prepared it, but forgotten to pick it up amidst morning chaos of sending the kid to school and waving bye to the husband as he leaves to work. There are also times I’ve wanted a hot n strong cup but would have let the kettle go off much before boiling temperature, and wonder why did I even do that after I’ve poured the water into the cup. During other times, I’ve let the kettle boil, but have forgotten to even make that Coffee.

I stick to one cuppa everyday. Sometimes I’m so conscious not to get addicted to it, that I stop drinking it for a while. I pick it up only after I’m okay to start it all over again. Black coffee with eggs have been an easy n tasty breakfast for me most times. So are muffins n black coffee. There was a time when I baked goodies every week just to make sure I had them with my coffee. At times, when I have the time to have breakfast with my daughter before she leaves to school, these two options have always been filling and comforting.

On most days, I wake up early, just to sit down and enjoy a hot mug all by myself. It’s fresh, refreshing and silent. That’s how a peaceful day starts, at-least until my husband and daughter wake up. I don’t scroll my phone or read a book. I just sit down, listen to the morning sounds outside and within myself. That’s when a thousand things will come to my mind, literally asking me to get up and get stuff sorted. Earlier, I gave in, but now, I just let it float.

Just the Right Start

After all, those chores will wait for me to come, but this peaceful time with my morning cup will come only once every morning. Also, only if choose to wake up while the house is still asleep. I choose to sit down those few minutes, do nothing, but still feel complete. Every time I do that, I only wished that I gave my mum that morning time when she most needed it. I now feel what’s that peace that she wanted every morning.

Maybe every time I saw her float in her own world when she sat down with that cup, I had felt maybe someday I would feel that too. I was insanely insecure in my early young days and thought that my mum did not like being with us when she tells me off especially during her coffee. Now, I could only laugh at that thought. How insane! What had spending time for herself do with loving us? God, I was crazy!

Dedicating this post especially for my mum, because every time I enjoy those moments, I realize more that she needed to care for her inner soul before she managed to shower that love all the time on us. Hugs, Amma. You always deserve a break whenever you want.

The post Love for Coffee: My Morning Cuppa appeared first on JAYANTHY'S FREE SPACE.

I have noticed that only when I pick a book something comes to my mind or someone comes. I’ve always thought that one must find the peace to sit down with a book. However, that’s not the case in today’s time. It could be the constant ringing of the phone or just life as it happens everyday.

Often, when I pick a book there’d be someone who would come over to talk with me. They’d hardly stop even as I try to hold the book in my hand to indicate that I am actually reading. And, finally when I have no choice but to close the book and put it down, that look on their face like they’ve achieved something great. The look that says, after all you were doing something boring, it’s definitely not better than what I am going to tell you. That’s the pain of living with other people who don’t read or prefer talking to reading. Not conversing, but talking.

Being a mum, I am learning that, there’s no best time or place to read a book. Everywhere is a good place, just like any time is a good time to read a book. That’s when I was gifted Kindle. It brought in so much peace in my reading life. While my daughter naps or when the whole house is asleep, there I’d be in my own world reading a book.

In the middle of the night with light on my face I’d be deeply immersed in a book. However, when the husband turns around or wakes up, he says that I look completely relaxed only then. Though at other times, he has made fun saying that I used to look like I was falling in love (ghost!). Oh, yes, that’s how you look when you are in love with stories/words, don’t we? Well, he has got used to it over time.

As much as I’d love to set a reading target and achieve it, I feel it’s too rough on me. It’s not like that adrenaline rush isn’t there anymore to achieve targets. It’s just that I am more into reading for pleasure now, than ever and only when I could. As long as I am able to do it, I am glad. I’ve stopped forcing myself to pick a book just because of social media pressure (that I put myself into).

Reading More Books

My TBR was just growing because I tried to run and find books that were being posted by many accounts I followed. Not that any of them asked me to read what they posted. It was just me trying to be on the same page with the rest of the globe. Instead, I started reading what I could find in my capacity.

I might stay in UK just for a few years, buying too many books and shipping them back home isn’t a great choice, at the moment. I buy books, but I buy those like I am on a tight budget. Post-COVID, (Covid is not even a word!) I managed to register at my local library. My husband lends a hand with books from his office library. The money always go to charity so I make-do with those choices.

I’ve loved the Facebook groups and the number of charity shops here that allows me to buy those books. I am trying to detach myself from hoarding books. So, this has helped me look into second hand books. It’s just me. Every time I visit pit stops during our trips, I’ve stopped by to take a look at books and at least pick one or two I would never find in the shelves of many bookshops.

This has helped me find a variety of authors and different subjects. There’s a lot of local authors and reading about the lifestyle here is definitely a different experience. Plus, I could always give those books back without trying to get attached to them. I buy only those which I think I might love to read again in the years to come.

Reading with my Little One

Even though we started late, I love that we make the time to read. Almost every night, I read her two or three short stories from Prime Reading. If not that, then we read one of the books from the bookshelf or the one from the library, the choices are many. As important as the story, it’s the way we read it together that makes it all the more special. She either sits on my lap as I read or cuddles up next to me on my arms as I read. It’s more like a bonding time as well.

A lot of children books interest me nowadays. My prime purchases have been on that front. Every book is new to me and we read a lot. Thanks to my daughter who loves stories and nowadays I enjoy reading them even for more than 5 times in a row. Mainly because I understand that she is trying to memorize the story. I found it when I made mistakes while reading and it amazed me. A child’s ability to remember things is something I’d like to pick up too.

I can go on about reading with kid(s). We get a book a week to read at home, from her school. Apart from the weekly read at home books, they could pick one from the library once in a fortnight. She loves the experiences and I am curious about her choices. (Yes, there’s a book on potty or poop coming in every now and then).

I don’t really know how much this going to help her, but it does a great deal to me. I wondered why I never explored children books. We could have read this in our early schooling days. However, I don’t remember much. Truly, I cherish these reading moments with my daughter and above all, I love these books and how wild can one’s imagination go. How my daughter understands a book and how I understand a book is different. It’s true that I had many limitations while she opened up many arenas of creativity for me.

When I find a Quick Read.. I grab it

When it comes to my reading, I find quick reads a real blessing. Without second thoughts, I grab them. I could finish them either in one go or in a span of two or three days. This really made me happy as a reader. This gave me such a big relief and it was honestly not about targets like the number of pages or number of books I managed to read over time. Truly, it was the different subjects that opened up for me.

Also, my recent ways to read is now so varied. After my story time with my daughter, I tell her that I am sleepy and sneak under covers and read. (sometimes) At other times, if she’s fast asleep on my arm, I use that time to read a bit. Interacting about books with friends has helped read and talk about books.

Making Better Choices

Sometimes I wonder if I’ve side-tracked reading too much. The answer is Yes because it’s like confrontation sometimes. You have some part of you that you are not ready to deal with and you don’t want to deal with it anytime soon. Now, I’m not sure I’m ready, but I find that reading has helped me to open up to myself and my feelings. It’s more like talking to myself and dealing with things. Owning up to my own-self.

Even I’ve wondered why I started reading a lot, then figured the answer. This is one of the prime reasons because I realized I am not a good conversationalist. Or, at least I am not up-to-date with people stuff. I am so outdated, and I lag much on people updates in general. Most times, the words are manipulated and I am finding it difficult to explain and make people understand that’s not what I meant. So, I’ve chosen to zip it and spend time reading than explaining myself in places that’s not needed.

I don’t want to compare my reading to anyone here, who’s doing amazing stuff. It’s just my thoughts on my reading and how I feel it has improved over years. How much there is to read and try to not be overwhelmed by it or drained by the thoughts, but instead Just take the time read. If there’s one thing I want to continue doing for the years to come, Read More Books.

I noticed there’s very less that I’ve written about how books has made me feel, the last was my pact in 2020. That feels like ancient times now, though I think the pact still holds true in many ways! 🙂

The post I Started Reading More Books.. How, Why? appeared first on JAYANTHY'S FREE SPACE.

1. For surviving 2022 and recovering post miscarriage. The beginning of last year, I hoped I would get up and walk back to good health. When sick, the only thing that was in my mind is giving it the time to heal and getting back up. I am glad I made time / was given the time to heal.
   
2. When you feel hopeless, there will be at least that one person who still showers that love and sees you through it. I am blessed to have a doting family and friends who were constantly asking me about my recovery. The one question asked by my daughter literally made me cry. However, it also wanted me to get up and get walking – Amma, are you going to be sick for long? Are you going to be like this forever? It scared my whole being.
   
3. If someone helps you, never overburden them and make it feel like you deserve it every single time. I learned to appreciate the help I received while I needed it. I was being cared for really well, 2 months of uncomplaining help by the husband, thankful and blessed is the feeling. I did not want to make it feel like a LUXURY. There is a thin line between actual help becoming a demand. I am constantly trying to become aware not to cross the line. I’ve slipped, but I try not to get up again without overcriticizing it.
   
4. If family was one thing that helped me heal, I am forever thankful for the job interview that I cleared at the end of 2021. Right by the time I was about to join, I asked for a change of my joining date. I felt embarrassed to ask for help. However, they understood and changed my DOJ without asking any questions.
   
5. Re-joining work has given me a source of confidence that I never knew was still there in me. I was quite apprehensive if I had it in me to go ahead with a job now. Even though I decided that I would try a job when my daughter turned 5, I was scared I might not be up for it. Though my option was not IT initially due to the usual piece of mind people offered me, I decided to go ahead and do what I know. It has not just given me peace in the intellectual sense, but it has also made me accept that I really love it.
   
6. There were friends who asked me how I am after the miscarriage, but I’ve always swept away the conversation by saying not much. Either I ended up saying, it’s only a Copper-T pregnancy, nothing to worry or it was not much to worry about. Sorry and thanks a lot to all who cared, but it is just me. I was not taking it down really well. I was worried that I might talk or lean too much on your shoulders and cry out loud. I did not want to upset or be a burden and talk about my troubles all the time.
   
7. A lot of last year went by in shifting focus towards bettering myself. Even though I talk myself out that I cannot please everyone and that is okay, there is this person in me, who is hellbent sometimes to please someone I really like. That bit of appreciation from them really counts. It always goes in me overdoing or me trying to be the perfect person that I am not. So, I am trying to accept that and move on. I will always like them, but I hope to learn how to have a conversation.
   
8. Though my partner and I never get to spend enough time as we would like to, we are grateful to be together. We were glad to go on trips, we have learned to make time to do the things we love, cook together, listen to whatever we can together and discuss everything. We value each other’s space and that’s really helped a lot.
   
9. Our trip to India was eventful, cherished and emotional. First feeling is, yay, we made it post-covid, managed to visit some family and friends we love. We loved getting drenched in the sun and I loved the heat. It was so nice and the feeling is HOME feeling. However, my daughter was finding it difficult to manage, it was extreme on her. Still, I’m glad that she did her best and enjoyed playing with her friends. Loved the trip, quick trip, nostalgic trip, had a rollercoaster of emotions, but finally happy to be back home. Chennai is HOME, but Coventry is my Home now, both are equally important now.
   
10. Glad to have a few amazing friends here with whom we could travel together, get together and laugh as well as discuss how we feel. Forever thankful for friends who jumped in to help and have been kind enough to my daughter and offered to help during my work days and her summer holidays. Not just helpful, but not once demanding or made me feel like I must do something in return.
    
11. My daughter’s first dance performance on stage happened in 2022. We enjoyed watching what a ballet show in the theatre and it felt fascinating. It also taught me what showing up means to her. The sports day at school, performing at nativity, parents meet at school, and others. Visiting the kids’ school gives me a nice feeling, and often reminds me of my own. I am a regular, but glad her dad showed up every time too.
    
12. The School Mum Tribe has been such a helpful and inspiring group of mums. It is really nice to have them around. Knowing the kids in her class and their mums has helped me ask them a lot of queries and also share moments with them. Children getting to join each other’s birthday party, looking out for each other at school, caring for each other, it’s really nice.
    
13. One of my learnings has been to let go and try to remain calm, because everything happens only in it’s own time. You push it with all your might, but it doesn’t move even an inch, but when the time comes it happens. However, I am learning that being prepared helps, because it is clear that one day what you are looking forward to, will happen.
    
14. Am I better than yesterday, better than last year are the questions that I constantly ask myself now. Be it as a parent, as a wife, as a daughter, as a sister, as a learner, as a person. Striving to be good as a person is a constant work in progress stuff. I used to be frustrated often before, but slowly I am trying to become aware of the things that frustrates me often. I am a work in progress and will always be and that gives me peace.
    
15. If there’s one person I love deeply, it is my grandmother, she’s about 85+, but that doesn’t stop her from having strong opinions about everything. I love to talk to her even though we disagree a lot. I am glad that she’s recovering and trying to do her things by herself even during these times. Her independence amazes me and pushes me to just stand up and get things done when I don’t feel like it.
    
16. For a good sense of humour, and the ability to laugh at the smallest and silliest jokes. My daughter has a weird kind of laugh sometimes and she does it when she is mad on us or extremely happy. It’s her mood sensing laugh, that’s one time, I cannot stop laughing out loud. At times, she joins me in and those bouts of laughter is something that I love. There’s this silly joke that initially made me feel angry, but to look at it from a child’s reasoning, I tried to take it light, and then I told her tell this to my dad and you’re going to see his other side. The joke goes like this,
    
    5-yr-old: What’s your name? (whispered the first time, you must say mum)
    Me: OKay (whispered), Mum
    5-yr-old: (touches the nose) what’s this?
    Me: Nose
    5-year-old: (draws a circle in the air) (whispers, you must say: nothing)
    Me: Nothing
    5-year-old: Mum knows nothing.
    Me: WTH
    After a slight bit, after that realization, oh yeah that’s right isn’t it of sorts, I laughed with her.
    
17. I’ve also been able to find a sense of relief in doing nothing physically, not being productive for a while and doing the emotional dumping alone. I have the chance of having the whole house to myself since I am the only one out of the three of us who works from home. Sometimes when I am emotionally drained, I just sit down and cry or colour or do nothing and it helps me move on to the next thing.
    
18. Thankful for the health of the three of us after each of us going through one main problem at the start of the year. I bled until the end of Jan and a little in Feb due to miscarriage. My husband’s toe finger crushed under a dumbbell in February and he was not that easy person to take care. Our daughter had Chicken Pox in March. It was pretty much a jinxed feeling, but in a way winter is always the period where we rest and recover.
    
19. Having family to lean on in a new country is a blessing. My sister’s(though I need to mention cousin) family has been a constant blessing. Not just helping us, but also guiding us on a lot of the things here. She has been patient with me and super supportive in almost everything. Even though, she’s the one who started the joke on me bringing the COVID lockdown to UK. (lol)
    
20. Handling emotions have not been my feat for years now. Sometimes feeling too many emotions at the same time and not being allowed to feel it or being forced to feel it also causes damage. I’ve had trouble with it, at times I do not know how to handle it with my child as well. It is hard work and varies with time. Reading has constantly made me a better person. Watching a lot of movies with my kid and other movies in general has helped me handle things better. There are so many special children who require so much care, their parents are so simple and strong. I often wonder, why I cannot handle it all. I realized that caring is not just an act you show others, but deeply how you feel yourself. I’ve realized that I’m really vulnerable and that’s alright to show that to my child when it’s needed.
    
21. I’ve not had the best medical support here for all that we went through. I was left to bleed saying it was normal and usual, even though my Hb level came down to less than 3. I am not fond of them, in fact, I am scared of them. The amount of time I was delayed treatment during one of my critical moments made me feel how inefficient a medical system could be. However, it could be that one GP in the place I live in. There could be other places that are really good, but I don’t know about them. Health is wealth they say. I cannot agree more.
    
22. Finally, writing had taken a backseat, but whatever I wrote, I did it with my whole heart. Maybe a lot of outdated posts might come up in 2023, that’s only because I want to push them out of my drafts and make my writing a memory that I want to remember, in the coming years.

Thank you for reading my year that was. Wishing you all a fantastic year ahead.

Critic Me: Funny that you’re posting this almost at the end of the month.
Not so funny me: Well, I managed to complete it only now.
Overthinker Me: Well, maybe I need to edit more.
What-if Me: Old post sort of feeling, maybe others would have it better.
Critic Me: Of course, what were you even thinking.
Cribbing me: nobody will like it.
Philosophical Me: Dude, it’s for you that you are writing, cherish it.

Me: Take a break guys, I’m publishing this right now.

The post Thank You, 2022! appeared first on JAYANTHY'S FREE SPACE.

I miss you
But I don’t really miss you
I’d like to keep in touch with you
But I’m scared of the misery it creates.

I’d like to help,
But I’m scared of overdoing it
I’m fond of having a chat
But now I’m scared of being accused and judged.

I feel guilty
If I’m not able to help
But what scares me more now
Is losing myself to keep up with you.

I don’t know where to start
I don’t know what to talk
It’s empty, it’s blank
A smile seals a whole lot.

I don’t know if I’m better this way
Or may be not
But I need more time
To connect again.

The post To connect again appeared first on JAYANTHY'S FREE SPACE.