If there’s one post that I missed writing here, it’s gratitude for the good and learning to be humble during the rest of the moments. There’s always a mixture of both, but my focus is shifting towards accepting both as it is. This is more to record the moments here to cherish when I read later. There’s a lot to share for all the missed times this year.

As I grow older, I’ve only realized that time flies by fairly quick when you mind your own business. That’s exactly what I’ve been learning to do and will continue to do so. It’s a charm that helps me feel less restricted and more responsible for myself.

I’ve missed writing and reading, but managed to follow very few blogs during this period. I’ve subscribed to 2 newsletters that’s motivating and manage to read them once a month. Those have always provoked me to write, but I’ve done very little in taking care of myself that I am now working to improve.

I’d like to start my gratitude list with the fact that I’ve turned 35 this month. I must agree that I am thankful and grateful for all that I’ve seen so far in life. Mainly, the good, the bad and the ugly that I’ve done. To say that life has been kind to me is an understatement, but it’s true. As I turned 35, I’ve forgiven myself for a few mistakes I have done to myself and to others. That let me breathe better.

Finally, a trip to home

I was hyper excited that I did not sleep during the whole flight for a total 24 hours straight. I was on a tremendous high, but then slept like a log for I don’t know how long. Loved the heat finally touching my skin. The heat warmed me, it never burned my skin.

It took me about 3 days to get back to the normal sleep routine. Within 2 days, my daughter was already exhausted by the heat and had a running temperature of 103 which stayed for a night. I was worried sick, but she was really brave.

My daughter turned 5 last month and we had a good time in Chennai. She managed to cut 3 cakes on 3 days for all the time she missed, away from her grandparents. These are the little pleasures that she gets when she’s around them. The way they absolutely adore her, well, it’s nice only when it happens once in a year.

This is our first trip together to home and back here. The three week trip that we managed after the almost two and a half years made me feel that the wait was all worth it. Lakki couldn’t bear coming back. She still misses her friends and her little cousins. I am glad that my daughter loves the company of our elders as well as little ones.

School is a blessing here, otherwise I would have felt guilty to bring her back here. Thankful for her teachers, her classmates, and some friends in the community, the cheeky British summer and cycling for making her move on here.

The other day her friend A and she were busy arguing about how many people were missing them and who missed them the most. Their list started from grandparents to aunts and uncles and went down to the smallest members in the family. I couldn’t hide my smile, but still felt sad in a way about life has changed in a short while.

I am not here to discuss if I made the right move to continue in the UK, but I’ve realized that our life is here for a few more years. My grandmother’s generation just moved streets, my mother’s generation moved cities, but now I have to move countries. It all comes down to peace, than places. If I have to move to a different country to find that little peace within, so be it.

2020, 2021 and 2022

I have missed a lot of events during this 2 year period, but also realized an important note. All keeps going whether you’re there or not. Our presence in them makes our life better.

I missed my sister’s wedding in 2020. When we finally met, my nephew was already 8 months old. This was the first online wedding in our family. I was on a call with my cousin sisters enjoying the moments happening on the telly. We called one of our cousins and watching them go around to give the phone to my sister on the TV was an entirely different feeling. Not sure if I will call it eerie, but definitely our hearts were there.

Just a month before my sister’s wedding my grandmother fell and broke her hip. I really wanted to go and discussed this to my husband. I was so broken, how will she manage, what will happen to her? Resilience is the word, she said she will never give up on herself. After a surgery and placing plates and nuts, with complete support and immense help from my aunt, she has started to walk with the support of her walker. Her independence is one of my lessons for life.

My parents were tested positive early last year while I was writing my final Montessori examinations. I couldn’t focus much because my sister was pregnant and most of my father’s family was positive and couldn’t come by to help. Thanks to my brother-in-law and my sister who managed to handle the situation in a smarter way than I did.

For the People in my Life

Niece and Nephews: The pride of being an aunt to these charming kiddos puts me on cloud nine. Just looking at their videos and photos for so long and now seeing them right before me, I really did not know what to do. I just admired them, I couldn’t ask for more.

School: While India was on online learning, we managed to send our children to school here. It was one of the hardest decisions to make as she was only 3years and 4 months old. Not many cheered up to the option of us having to send her to school, but as parents we had to think of her safety as well as her emotional wellbeing as a child. I wanted her to spend time with her peer. We were called selfish for choosing to send her to school amidst chaos, that hurt, but as parents we did the right thing for her. That’s still making me feel happy.

My Daughter: How she has changed with the help of school especially after moving to a different country surprises me. From learning to get along with kids to understanding an entirely new language, the journey has been nothing less than an adventure for her. If I’m brave today, it’s because of learning so much from my daughter. From trick or treating with a smirk to visiting parks, cycling, dancing and swimming, I’m glad she has got the opportunity to explore now. All this is only possible because we are here. Period.

The Love of my Life: If this relationship has survived for so long it is because of honest conversations and being there for each other . We’ve had tough times and loads of arguments and nothing but interference, nevertheless, it has all brought us to a better place. I’m glad we are each other’s support system.

Work: There was a time when I wondered if I could ever get to this place. I have managed to fulfil this wish. I wanted to wait until my daughter started her full-time school, it was tough. Right after she settled in, I cleared an interview and from then on, I am a content person. It is both about the financial freedom and the ability to do what I have always loved.

Family: If not for my people, I would have not pushed my boundaries harder. My grandmother’s constant support and love has kept me going. My aunts and sisters always talked me through taking a job sooner. They’ve been kind and supportive. My parents have gone through a lot because of me, the least I could give them is some peace of mind, definitely not a piece of my mind.

Friends: What would I do without them? My set of non-judgemental people. I managed to visit some, but couldn’t visit a few. Irrespective of that, they’ve been in touch. Even though I haven’t texted many, it was like we met yesterday and resumed conversation. That’s the best part.

Travel: The happiness it brings is slowly piquing my interest to travel. There’s a joy that the roads bring, and I am learning to cherish it. I’m not a great poser, but I wouldn’t miss a picturesque view.

Reading: If reading children books is considered, then I am on top gear. I’ve read one a week for two years now because of my little one. Children books are so creative and calming, that I sleep before the story ends. I’ve managed to read some quick reads early this year, but for the second half it might be slow, because I am settling at work.

Health: I miscarried and everything went downhill from there for almost 3 months. I am still recovering, but I am so much better than I was before 6 months. I am on recovery mode, but I am thankful for my body to have survived this, because I almost thought that I was done. Though very less medical support was offered, I had immense support from my family. My husband was strained, but never complained, because he saw what I was going through.

Mental Health: Absolute nightmare, but recovering slowly. I am learning that ignorance is bliss and it’s absolutely fine to ignore harsh comments that come your way. I am not trying to act like something never happened, instead, I am tired of the number of times people pull it up because they don’t know what else they could talk about.

It took me a week to get this post up. I’m only happy that I managed to write this. Writing keeps me sane. How did your year go? I’d like to know.

The post Gratitude since long: 2020, 2021 and 2022 appeared first on JAYANTHY'S FREE SPACE.

That first man is our childhood hero, then becomes the bad guy, and then a friend from there – DAD. If I am too emotional, outgoing, half gutsy in sharing honest feedback, it is because of my father. I have hated my father for being rudely honest. At one point in time, I realize I was too much of that myself.

I have hardly had a proper conversation with my father for many years. I have been sensitive to his words and they often brought hurt. There were many times I have been angry on him for not trusting me. It took me many years to understand how a trusting parent behaves.

My Dad Loves Me

In the past 5 years, I have learned that he trusted me a lot more than I knew, even though I broke his trust not once, but two times! There has not been a day where I have not complained about my father to many people.

In the past, when someone says that my father is an amazing person, I used to murmur, oh yeah, you think! A lot of my friends admire my father, whereas I have always seen him as a military officer who had a stone for a heart.

As a kid, I was a crybaby. I used to cry for almost everything. Most times, my father only had one name for me, metro tank. Yes, I pour and pour like a rain. I did not learn to handle my emotions for a very long time, just like my dad.

When we had a storm of a problem at home, I saw a different version of my father for the first time in 26 years. This man who looked like a coconut shell on the outside, had a sweetness and a softness within him. Like many Indian Fathers, my dad loved us with a deeper sense than he is capable of showing to us. He is very bad at expressing emotions, adults hardly express it.

I realized he never liked seeing me cry. Though he called me a metro tank, he was constantly learning in his own way to talk to us in a better way. Being a Leo, his honesty was cruising through me like a knife when I make mistakes. I have tried a lot of ways to impress my father, but I have felt I have failed miserable. Still, my Dad loves me, that’s all that matters!

The first time he cried for me, I realized how much my dad loves me! At that moment, I made up my mind to finally listen to him. I started seeing how much he has changed, but how I never changed my perspective of him.

My husband taught me to respond politely with my parents, he showed me they cared more than most parents. He told me to look for what they’re trying to say, to delve into the depth of their intentions over their words.

I cannot hold back time, so

It’s time to show him that I love him. My dad loves me, but I love him too, with all my heart!

Now, I make up for lost time. I share just about anything with him that my mother is feeling left out! I talk about so many things, about life in general. It is a huge surprise for me that I regret not spending more time with him before. It is truly because I did not trust myself enough to open up with him. Now, when I talk about stories from 15-20 years back, his memories and mine are very different.

I noticed that when he shares little moments that he liked, it is not the ones that I thought he would like. It was nice to see his view and my memories of the same stuff are very different. I like to see his perspective as a parent and understand it better today as a parent to a girl child.

As a teenager, I was a silent sufferer, but now I am able to share my view with him even if he doesn’t approve of some. I have overcome the fear of not being approved by him. He also chooses to listen to me, before he starts finding out the flaws in my approach.

I have understood that he has always listened to me, but wanted me to stand up for myself with more determination. He has expected me to bounce back at him and disarm him strongly. Even though I had the points many times, I never had the guts to talk up to him.

As he grows Old

Today, I hate seeing him growing old so fast, but I don’t want to play hide and seek with him anymore. Straight to straight, when I feel like giving him a call, I know he is always there.

My daughter loves him more than I do, of course! Still, first my dad, then your grandfather, I tell her! She knows no compromise, just like my dad, so she calls him appa-thaatha which translates to Father-Grandfather!

I see a lot of my father in my husband, that is when I started viewing my father from a different perspective! Maybe that is when I started seeing him as a protective father too.

My parents are travel fanatics and find every opportunity to travel somewhere, anywhere. Lockdown has been difficult on them than it is on me.

My father took to technology so well that he uses them REALLY well, almost all the time. I find it atrocious, but somehow he needs a way to kill time too. When asked he argues that he sits with his phone only after spending time with the dogs, helping my mom with whatever he can and not compromising any of his daily work for the home and himself. Well, he always makes better points than me!

I am Thankful, Grateful and Blessed to have this MAN in my life! The first hero and forever hero to me! I have never wished Father’s Day as much as Mother’s Day. So, this year all I want to tell you is that I love you and you are the best father.

Happy Father’s Day, Appa!

My dad Loves me and that’s all that really matters is a dedication to my dad.

ProjectTGB helps me thank the people whose impact I have understood in my life after so many years.

If you’d like to join me in thanking your community, use the #ProjectTGB and thank your people!

P.S: While I was searching to post a photo of my dad and me, I noticed that my daughter had occupied more photos than my sister now. I used to be jealous of my sister being close with my dad and all that. Now, I am just happy I still have a good photo with him like these two. Even though they have 10, I have 2 good ones with these two already there in the photos!!

The post My Dad Loves Me, That’s All that Matters! appeared first on JAYANTHY'S FREE SPACE.

It feels incredible to start this like many other things I have conceived before, but this is a mission that I want to complete in 2021. The person that fits my mission’s goal is the Iron Lady in my family. My Octogenarian Grandmother Willow’s quotes about various life things has finally started to make some sense to me.

My old lady taught me why it is necessary to finish anything you start. She also goes on about how life is short to live with regrets! Most of the time, it is all shared in a joke or two. She talks about small everyday victories that make us humble yet accomplished.

Both my grandmothers are strong women in their ways. When I think about them, I feel a sense of pride. The warmth of their strength and confidence makes me feel energetic and makes me think about the purpose of my life. Today, it is about the 70+, 80+ guys.

My Grandmother Willow

My maternal grandmother, the great grandmother to my little one, Mrs. Sarojini Murugesan, is fondly called by many as Sarojini Sairam. She is the only precious person from that generation of my grandparents who is still kicking it strong. There is not a day she does not go about cracking jokes. 

At 80, my grandmother willow had this free will to travel wherever she wanted with no company. She taught me to make thy self as a favourite companion and place complete trust in God.

My Ammama, as I fondly call her, doesn’t like me talking without brushing my teeth. If there is one thing she hates about me, it is my ability to procrastinate just about anything. She often shares a piece of her mind on how productive I can be when I take my eyes off my phone. She has great respect for time and watches the clock like it talks something to her.

Some of the people from her gang of grannies are the best, and they are the best example for “women help women.” Their planning and execution are flawless and flexible. They are always on the go, and above all, they laugh about a lot of things.

My Ammama, the housewife that she was, lives with my grandfather’s pension. When it comes to finances, she is an excellent planner who plans out her entire month on her pension day. To me, it is moderate cash. Still, there was never a day she complained about having less money. She has always felt thankful for being able to receive it.

Honest Healing comes from Acceptance

According to my grandmother willow, honest healing comes from acceptance of all good and bad. While I struggle a lot to make peace with a lot of things, she says to live life with no regrets!

As a family, we had gone through pretty tough moments, but Ammama has always offered her honest responses to the good and the bad. While she has been open in highlighting my pain points and my mistakes, she has never made me feel guilty about past mistakes. According to her one can always do more good to heal.

My grandmother is always ready to do any work. She loves to sew, and she has personally sewn many lovely dresses for my daughter without having any of her measurements. Some were funny, but most were perfect. The kitchen is yet another area where she rocks it well. Again, she checks the ingredients and plans the dish in minutes. There is not a slight doubt about what she can and cannot do.

At almost 85, she hurt her hip after a fall and had to undergo surgery during this pandemic. She felt dejected since my sister’s marriage was less than a month away. When she cried on the phone, I lost it all. At that moment, I did not know what to pray also.

Should I send a selfish prayer to give her back to me or say a painful prayer to take her away because she could not bear the pain? I couldn’t do both; I just cried to God to offer us help and do good for her. Now after 7 months, she is on her way to recovery with immense support from family. Her willpower was great, but she complained about how everyone was straining a lot to help her.

She always says she has an infinite love in her soul only towards Sairam and her great-grandchild. Of course, only God and a child can offer unconditional love and kindness. Ammama is very forgiving. Even though she has her angry bouts and curses us at times, I understand it is because of her dependence only.

At times, we youngsters do not have ears for the old. Yes, I have told my Ammama many times that she is boring and talking the same thing repeatedly. There are also times where I was busy reading a book or chatting over WhatsApp when this old lady came and sat at our house.

Now, I realized that though she couldn’t hear much of what I talk with her over the phone, she is happy when I call. That’s the only feeling I want to remember about my grandmother!

I am Thankful, Grateful, and Blessed to have this woman in my life.

ProjectTGB helps me thank the people whose impact I have understood in my life after so many years.

If you’d like to join me in thanking your community, use the #ProjectTGB and thank your people!

The post Grandmother Willow quotes on Gratitude appeared first on JAYANTHY'S FREE SPACE.

I have always felt renewed and rejuvenated when I thank someone. Similarly, when I recieve a note of thank you from someone, I feel happy that I was able to help someone. It would have been something really small, but then the feeling of gratitude brings richness to our lives like nothing else.

If there are two people who shine in front of my eyes for mindful living, it is Vidya Sury and Vasantha Vivek. Their blogs have shared so much about expressing gratitude for everything in our lives. Personally, I have found so much peace in reading their posts over years!

Express Gratitude as Often as You Can

Most of the times, we feel awkward to express our gratitude to our loved ones. It could feel weird, like it is the last time we’re going to talk to them or something. We always save it for the last time, but it never happens that way. We save regrets than memories, most of the time. I want good things for the people in my life and with all my heart. So, I have decided that I have nothing to lose by expressing my gratitude for them.

When I decided to write gratitude posts every month with Vidya’s Gratitude Cirle in 2018, it helped me see my life from a better perspective. As I read them now, it helps me feel a whole lot better. Expressing gratitude has always made me a better person and a lot less judgemental. It helps me accept that everyone is going through some struggle. Still, when they make some time to check on me, I feel blessed!

I am not a complete self-made person. I am that ball of wool, that could be crocheted into a colorful sweater, table cloth or a place mat. You can see that I am influenced by the good and the bad around me. Still, I know I am a constant work-in-progress to become the best I can ever be.

If I am what I am today, it is a major influence of the people around me. It is because of the time I spend with the people in my life. I think about how lucky I am to have them in my life. At times, when I share about them during a conversation, it brings a smile. Also, conversing with them about many life things has given me a better insight about so many things in my life.

Project TGB – Thankful Grateful Blessed

I have been trying to write gratitude notes for the last two years, but I couldn’t. Neither did I make time to thank anyone in my life. Since I felt lost, I felt I never had anything to share at all. I felt lost and hopeless for many days in my life.

The last three years have been really tough for me. I have felt miserable, made a lot of difficult decisions, above all complained so much like never before in my whole 30 years. These people in my life listened to so much of my whining, let out a cry when I was unable to handle the realities of life and also showed me ways to heal myself.

I could have succumbed and lost hope if not for each one of them through various stages of moving forward with my life. I am usually not one to depend too much on people, but these three years have shown me that I could be a pain in the ‘you know where’!

So, I started this small project, #ProjectTGB to share a part of me that has always wanted to hug them and say thank you, but never did that. I take this opportunity to send them gratitude, to thank them for being in my life for so long. It is also to show them how grateful I feel to have each one of them in my life. I have had some of the spiciest arguments and meltdowns with some of them. In a way, I am thanking the Universe for making me understand how blessed I feel even after all that!

This pandemic has given me a good opportunity to thank some of the people in my life for being my people! I will tag this with the name #ProjectTGB for 2021 to thank the people in my life whose impact I have understood in my life after so many years.

If you’d like to join me in thanking your community, use the #ProjectTGB and thank your people!

The post How to Express Gratitude in 2021 – Project TGB appeared first on JAYANTHY'S FREE SPACE.

You’d be surprised to know them as much as I was when I figured what helped me this year. I couldn’t really believe I liked some of these until this year. It’s during sadness and low times that we find great interests that lie deep within us. It’s the happiness within us of finding the unknown, we get the power to accomplish them.

So, here’s a small list of my activities that I enjoyed in 2019.

1. Bullet Journal

If not for my bullet journal this year, I would have felt another year just went by. I tracked so much about everything. About what I could acomplish, what I couldn’t, what I liked about myself, what I didn’t really like about me. I tracked about Ilakkiya’s growth and milestones, her doctor appointments, her first words, her sentences, the little books we got from the library, etc., I tracked my disappointments and my happy moments in this journey. I’ll tell you now that I’d write down things to know what I think about a yearly challenge – can I make it or not?

I learnt about journals this year and have put mine to good use. I was gifted MatrikaS dotted journal by Dimple, my Santa last year and this year I am on cloud nine for receiving TinyChange Journal from Tulika. I’d be forever thankful to her for gifting me a treasure.

2. Writing

There was too much chaos at the beginning of 2019. What helped me get it all out and go about getting things done was writing. Some of my posts stated my emotional turmoil so clearly that my blogger friends came forward to help me, I am thankful for these souls. I realized acceptance and the process of healing can do that to us. Though I couldn’t bottle my emotions anymore, I also didn’t feel the need to. I needed the courage to cross that line to write about the not-so-shiny things about my life and I am happy to share my thoughts here.

I managed 32 posts this year and I am happy that writing was something I could always fall back on.

3. Reading

What this year did to me was bring in some brilliant choices of books. I’d be forever thankful to Shailaja V for introducing Atomic Habits by James Clear to the entire blogging circle. I think back to that book every single day. I read some good collection this year, even though I didn’t complete my reading goal. It is good that I managed 15 books this year and I enjoyed most of it.

I started with

• Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare.
• The Wrong child by Patricia Kay
• The Call of the Wild by Jack London
• Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert
• Deep Work by Cal Newport
• The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society by Annie Barrows and Mary Ann Shaffer
• Atomic Habits by James Clear
• When Strangers Meet by K. Hari Kumar
• Eleanor Oliphant is completely fine by Gail Honeyman
• You Beneath my Skin by Damayanti Biswas
• The Courage to be Disliked by Fumitake Koga and Ichiro Kishimi
• Ikigai by Hèctor Garcia and Francesc Miralles
• Man Friday by Sundari Venkatraman
• Unexpectedly Mine by Stephanie Rowe
• The Bestseller she wrote by Ravi Subramaniam
• The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

4. Doodling/ Step by Step Drawing

Funny, right? I cannot draw a straight line or a circle. I am not a free hand drawing person. Somehow I always thought I missed a good part of art because I cannot draw. I let it be. I never expected that my daughter will enjoy to draw. Luckily she takes it from my mom, grandmother, sister and mother-in-law. Thanks to step by step drawing tutorials. I can appreciate myself for taking the effort to learn the skill.

My husband and I had a great time this year learning this skill. He learned to draw bicycles and swings, while I learned to draw better Monkeys among other animals.What I appreciate more is, my daughter is learning to draw with me. Earlier I couldn’t convince her with my animals. She’d look at me wondering isn’t that a dog, but you’re saying it’s a wolf. I’d say both look alike( atleast to me)

5. Binge Watch/Movies

For almost two years, I have only watched 2-3 movies. Even with Netflix and Amazon Prime membership, I had hardly watched anything. This year I watched so much. I watched 20 movies and 4 series in a span of 100 days. This finally happened when the husband realized what it’s like to have the little one tagging along all the time. So, when father and daughter started spending time together, this movie marathon was possible for me.

6. Travel

This was the best year when it came to travel. The year started with a trip to the Queen of Hills – Ooty and ended with the Seven Hills – Tirupathi. ☺️ Though I couldn’t visit everything I had set on my list this year I managed to visit some places as a good start.

I was mad about England for long, I still am. Finally when we traveled there, it was like a dream come true. London will always be close to my heart. I wish a long stay there, keeping fingers crossed, so I get to explore more of it and it is a place I cherish.

In 2018, Bangalore trip was special and in 2019 it is our stay in London.

7. Parenting

Don’t laugh. Isn’t it a full-time thing? So to enjoy parenting is actually to enjoy the time I spend with my daughter. It’s not always possible to spend quality time with my daughter. When we spend time together, it’s really like two girls discussing everything under the sun. In reality, I don’t let her stay under the sun for long. If I feel blessed for just one thing in my life, it would be my daughter. I’m amazed at how fast she is growing and yes, I want to hug her many times nowadays. I’m fond of her so much, I could just sit and watch everything she does without telling a word. Well, I’m not a OCD parent, but something tells me my daughter will be one. Let’s see.

P.S. How many times did you literally change 2018 to 2019? Oh yes, I guess I almost did it every time in this post. ? Jet speed 2019, I’m still lurking in 2018 waiting to welcome 2019 ?

The post 7 Activities I Enjoyed in 2019 appeared first on JAYANTHY'S FREE SPACE.

On some days it is not easy to smile
With so many things clouding my mind
Infinite questions without any answers
Breaking the calm that I always wanted
Do I need to give me some more time to heal?

It breaks my being to have trusted some
Even as I know in my deepest instincts
Those are some of the finest lessons I learnt
Still, it hurts like the first time when I hear someone talk.
Do I need to give me some more time to heal?

I thought talking about it heals it quickly
But was only judged more for what I told
I don’t want to be told it’s already late
Or what is the reason to think about it often
Do I need to give me some more time to heal?

I am slowly back to my shell again
I have felt offended and vulnerable
When I talk about my hurts and pains
I have survived many nightmares all by myself
I know I deserve the time to heal.

While I learn to trust myself again
I think about the right and wrong I’ve done
I am not going to deny anything I have done
But accept them as my human flaws
So I can heal some day in a better way.

It is okay for me not to be available always
To sit back and take time to respond
It is okay for me to sit back and see
That things still happen without me
Just the way it should be.

I am coming to terms with unresolved conflicts,
I am able to understand everything takes its own time,
Sometimes hours, days or years to heal,
It really doesn’t matter how long,
As far as I am healing beautifully.

The post The Time to Heal appeared first on JAYANTHY'S FREE SPACE.

I am sure wherever you are, you are definitely doing good in all afterlives. It’s two decades since we lost you to Mouth Cancer. I have seen you at your best and worst times. I didn’t know much about your sickness while you lived, but learnt and heard a lot about it after your death. Missing a person makes us hold on to even the tiniest details about them.

When Appa called me to remind me of your death anniversary, I had to stop and ask him again. No, don’t think I have become busy to forget it. I just had this usual confusion of it being on April 16, I don’t really know why I do this. I know you think it was better I forgot it. I really wish it had not happened so early after all, so let at least this minor confusion occupy my mind.

Aren’t you the best grandparent I ever had? Ammama is great, but got to know more of her only after you passed away. There’s so much I miss about you. Actually, I miss everything about you. All the times together, how much time you’ve sincerely spent with me is valuable to me now. All those times you kept me engaged in the pre-phone era makes me wonder how short tempered I am now.

I am thinking about how you sneaked into the kitchen to get us small portions of atta to make pooris in the kitchen set you customised just for us. I still remember how ammama and you bought this small kadai to make our pooris. You lighted camphor and kept the mud stove so we really cooked. You made sure we used it only when you were around. I dare not touch any of that without you. How many times Karthi and I have troubled you to drink our version of hot water as almost every food. Patience was the key, I understand it just now, as I write this.

I know you would agree I was lesser evil. Karthi just brought the roof down. I still remember how she used to literally lie down on the road and cry when you denied her chocolates. I have not seen you scold her even for that. Probably you must have done that a lot within you or maybe you just enjoyed her tantrums. Though Karthi got to spend lesser time than me, I am sure she would agree with me that you were the best we had. You took care of us and respected us for just being us. Mom gave me a pen that you gifted for my 10th exams. That’s the one I used in my 10th. And yes, if not for Karthi, I would have saved it even now. Yes, she broke it in the name of writing with it. Anyway, we know that’s exactly what she does. That’s how she broke the pen Ammu aunty gave me too. She hasn’t changed much on that front, luckily now she just keeps to breaking her own things. Well, I don’t lend her things that are important to me and there isn’t much now anyway.

Every time you came to drop us back at home, you stitched beautifully for us, you worked on the watches for hours in silence, you took me for your morning walks with your friends and let me play in the ground while you spent time with your friends. You kept us engaged at home, you let us play with neighbors and resolved all our tiffs without being partial, you read out stories to me, you saved some of the best books for me. I still wish I had saved the cassette you carefully recorded for us. I used to listen to it all the time during summer holidays. I miss the cassette player. You taught me to play cards, but I would always lose. You told me to focus on how to play and not just on losing the game.

Thaatha, you once scolded me for not concentrating on my reading. You told amma that my mind is scattered and always wandering. When you told that in front of me, I really thought you didn’t like me. It took me years to understand what you said was true and it took me a great deal to focus. Trust me, I am still working on it on many areas, but if not for you then, I would have noticed my own signs pretty late. I am forever thankful to you for that. I was lucky to work on it from my school days, even though I felt hurt then, today I am feeling blessed to have started it way back in time. Still, I have so much to conquer on focus, but I am glad where I am today.

I miss you thaatha. I have a little one now and I am glad that I have Ammama for her. The love Ammama shows for Ilakkiya is pure and unconditional, something I can’t really show to my own kid unless she is fast asleep. Ammama is our blessing, even with all the flaws of old age. She is the great-grandmother I want Ilakkiya to remember forever. Ilakkiya did not get a chance to see you or her paternal great-grandparents. Ammama is fondly called as Aaya by her and she manages to tell her name too, Saroji (aroji).

I have so much to write about you, but I have saved something we found while clearing the house. Amma is clearly an artist and she took it from you and Karthi follows Amma. I can’t even draw a straight line and your art piece is something I hold close to my heart now. It warms my heart whenever I feel lonely or sad and I know I have a guardian angel watching over me and will guide me at all times. I am not sharing the art pieces now, instead I am sharing a lovely photo here.

I miss you, thaatha. I know I will forever. ?

Yours,

Priya

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Life is incredible. I realize it now as my days are being spent alone. Though I love the people around me,there is something missing from my world. I miss my hubby a lot and I am trying to keep myself busy to stay away from drowning in a pool of self-pity.

? This week we had a wedding in the family that took my mind off loneliess. I got busy dressing up and enjoyed the process. I am really not the one who loves to dress up. I really don’t know why. I am unlearning that idea and focusing on relearning it. I love to focus on small details finally. I am changing and I love the process.

? Glad to have my phone back, but I am determined to handle it with care. Strictly, for phone calls and immediate responses only. Shifting most Social Media work to my Tablet. I hope this works.

? There is water scarcity around me. I cannot help but try and use very little. I am washing a load daily and I am glad it has helped reduce the amount of water consumed by my washing machine. It sure takes time, but that’s one of my most important tasks for everyday. Somehow I love washing clothes when baby girl accompanies me. It doesn’t look like a chore.

? Until last week, my yelling and cursing had reduced significantly. I made a small change in my bullet journal. Instead of the usual No Yelling and No cursing tasks, I made a minor change. I wrote Yelling and Cursing as tasks. This way when I remembered my task, I felt the need to keep it low. I think this is called reverse psychology. ?
? I learnt how to make a 30 Day Insta Grid with Shailajav and I feel so much better about my Instagram update now.

?️ Somehow my phone’s battery this week. I was sad and I had no idea what went wrong. A friend’s timely help saved me from taking it to the service center. He helped me with a new charger. Without knowing this, I accepted my husband’s gift. Yes, it was a gift from the husband which I denied earlier, but agreed to accept once my phone showed no signs of life. So glad for being able to recover photos from it and also to write in it.

?️ Water scarcity has hit Chennai. It is really difficult to manage for everyday chores. However, I am constantly reminded of ways I could reuse and save water. I am also trying to view videos and read up on the same. We all need to work on making things better by using lesser resources.

?️ After ages, my husband and I are having early morning conversations and it helps me wake up early.

?️ An automatic collage in Google photos reminded me how quick Ilakkiya is growing up. The journey is amazing and makes me love her more. I feel like I am opening up more with myself through her.

How was your week? I would love to know!

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? Gratitude isn’t appreciating the fancy things, it is about feeling intrinsically thankful for the good and the bad in our lives. Sure it isn’t easy. To me, it was a tough choice many times. Today I feel different after realizing this.

? Most days I am thankful for being able to run the chores at home and taking care of things that is needed just then.

? This week, I am particularly interested in praying for all those moms and dads who single parent their children. I am currently in that situation since hubby is away at work, but to do that everyday for years, you are brave souls. I pray you find great partners(in case you are looking for one) or do what you do bravely that you look back at your life feeling accomplished.

? The last two weeks have been fun, tiring and fulfilling in ways I didn’t expect. I returned from my Ooty Trip this week and all I could think was about the night’s sleep on my bed. By morning I was fresh and we sat and talked about the lovely times. I was thrilled about the pictures and immediately went to print the pictures.

? Thanks to mobiles, we all have an alarming list that is difficult to fulfill in a day. I managed to sort 110 pictures and the tech guy at Konica labs managed to sort them, align them and print them for me in 3 hours. I felt that was great and thanked him for his efficient work.

? I am trying to incorporate the Power of 3 in my daily life. It is about accomplishing 3 tasks in a day. Though we have 100’s of other tasks to take care of, these 3 will make your day. I am glad to make it happen on some days and on others I am not loosing my cool and moving them to the next day without guilt. After all, when I wake up the next day I have something to look forward to right!

? I always focus on using less water, but this week’s a little tough. I am finding ways to use lesser water. I wish to find ways to use water efficiently.

? I was gifted a small diary by my mom since I am a valuable / repeat customer of hers. I decided to use it as my gratitude journal. It comes handy and I love writing in it. It is definitely not fancy, it is the normal yearly diary, but it has what I need!!

? Ilakkiya had an amazing time in Ooty aka Queen of Hill stations, I wish I can write a separate post about the trip.

? Finally made time to write this post!! It has been a week since I wrote something on the blog.

? To those of you who noticed, the blog is undergoing changes and finally moved to a new home. Thankful to wonderful friends who are taking this effort to help me.

? February is here and so is the planning on my bullet journal. I love it!!

That’s it folks!! How are you doing this week?

The post Weekly Gratitude 5/52 appeared first on JAYANTHY'S FREE SPACE.

I wondered why I write these gratitude journals every week! Though it is only the second week of January and my second entry, the drab mood for 2 days made me think so much. That was enough to pull me into this melancholic mood. When I decided to maintain a bullet journal this year, I wasn’t sure of many plans for the year, still I wanted to work on one. A place where I plan the month, the weeks and my days in it. My journal became my blessing in disguise that I live in it nowadays. I am tracking some of my habits too.

January 2019

My journal is one of the reasons I am writing this post here and will do it for the next 50 weeks too!  I dedicated a page on the journal for my blog posts and had these entries written on the ideas page. A book in any form is a best friend to a warrior, a lonely heart, a busy parent and serves as a motivation to me when I really want to spend my time well.

Image Courtesy: Google

Image courtesy: Google

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