life Archives - JAYANTHY'S FREE SPACE

Pain demands to be felt

Jayanthy Govindarajan — Mon, 14 Feb 2022 12:01:27 +0000

Sometimes when life runs smooth, I have learned to thank God for that moment, for that day. Things can become different just the next day, so I am trying my best to take one day at a time. Right now, just writing this down to ease me from the pressure in my mind.

This happened just yesterday, still sharing it will make me feel better, because I want to move away from it. I write so I can listen to my thoughts, so I can feel better and align myself to think better. Since I am learning to let go of so many things, it frees up a bit of my mind which I am wishing to put to better use.

Image Courtesy: Unsplash

Yes, that’s me, deep in thought! About what, God only knows!

Well, here’s the thing. All was going well yesterday evening when I finally sat down with my laptop to finish a couple of drafts that I was working on. While behind the screen I was also thinking about the gift that I could surprise my husband with for this year’s Valentine’s day. We are not the kind who surprise each other with gifts. We always discuss and buy.

This year is one where he surprised me with a gift, but I was still thinking about his. It’s easy to surprise me, as I never expect much, but heartily thank the gift that comes my way. What’s more special to me is that the time taken by the person to think of me and buy me something. That thought itself makes me happy.

Though my husband loves surprises, he is a bit hard to impress. He appreciates the effort, but he buys what he needs so he is one who does not expect gifts. So, that is one reason why I think more before buying something for him.

That’s when this happened. I understood that Pain demands to be felt. It is good.

On Valentine's eve
As I scratch my head thinking what I can gift you
You walked out smirking at me
To spend your chunk of time in the living room.

Hardly a minute went by
When this thunderous sound burst into the room.
Something heavy crushed the floor
It sent a shrill down my spine.

I rush out praying you're alright
Only to see your toe finger
Covered in blood
The nail peeling out oozing more blood.

I cannot cry
My mind is taking in while sending a quick prayer
Shivering and wondering if you're alright
Seeing the toe finger crushed under the weight of the fallen object.

You and I shiver,
A broken bone or a broken finger
Are you able to get up and walk
Will you be able to cope for some more time.

It has happened
We cannot change
As blood is rushing more and more
Pain is starting to show.

As friends help to rush you to hospital
We all hope things get better soon
I pray and thank God for friends near
Helping us at this time of need.

The cruising pain
Will take time to heal
But love, care and prayer is my only gift
That I can give you in this most needed time.

Some people find it difficult to sit in one place. That’s what worries me with someone like him. Right now, he is learning to sit down and do nothing, but it might take him sometime. Still, I could only thank god for my daughter being so understanding and helpful during this time.

There’s not many people who take time to understand what we want to say. So I don’t share much nowadays. I am tired from what people say and think. All I need is to express myself and let it be. I am thankful for this space where I can share my thoughts.

The post Pain demands to be felt appeared first on JAYANTHY'S FREE SPACE.

Much Love Monday: April Heartaches and Acceptances

Jayanthy Govindarajan — Mon, 15 Apr 2019 09:27:10 +0000

April is the month that keeps me thinking about a lot from the past. It’s all about losing your loved ones. I lost my Uncle before 7 years this month. I lost my darling pet Jhansi who was just 7 months old before 3 years. I lost my good friend the same year. 2016 April was not an easy month, while I wanted a shoulder to cry, I became the shoulder to lean on to.

My uncle’s death was very sudden and it still churns my stomach when I think about those moments. Though it still looks like it all happened just a year before, it is already 7 years. It changed a lot about my family. It changed my dad and made him insecure. Losing his cousin brother made him guilty, angry and sad. It’s only after death we feel deeply about the chances we missed. My father became very unapproachable and he was treading on fear that anything can happen anytime to anyone. Life by the end of 2012 was troublesome.

4 years after that, life slowly turned from being miserable to manageable. In December 2015, Chennai streets were flooded overnight due to ineffective planning. I still remember waking up to water everywhere. There was so much chaos everywhere, though that’s the moment we found peace as a family. That was the time we all sat down and spent time together. Those 4 days will be etched in my memory beautifully. We spoke a lot to each other and switched off the denial mode that surrounded us otherwise. We had a lovely little stray dog who had come a week before the floods and she became my companion. I call her my savior. She changed my life and made my father finally cry and gain the peace he had lost years before.

A lovely companion who kept me busy for 4 months after I quit my job. I looked after her day and night. I argued and even fought with anyone who wanted to send her to a pet house/shop. We named her Jhansi because she had a warrior look on her face. She was a warrior. She taught me to buck up and be brave. She looked fragile, but there was a strength in her that anyone can see. I have a detailed post about her here.If you wish to know about this darling, read the post. You will fall in love with her. I cried and cried with no strength left to bother about anything. I dwelled in silence and my parents understood and let me be.

I quit my job in January 2016 and spent full time with the pets at home. Also, this was the time my school dearie S and I became close. We spent so much time talking with each other and made so many plans that never worked out anyway. Still, we spoke a lot, whenever we had the chance. We created chances to talk. Maybe that’s how it works. I missed her dearly after training at Infosys, but failed to keep in touch. Here we were talking like there were no yesterday’s and no tomorrow’s. I didn’t want to miss any more time. I didn’t want anything to end, come on, we just started all over again. The thing is, we never know when anything actually ends.

We spoke about our lives. What went wrong for us, what is going good for us, what is keeping us strong, what is making us cry! She was such a strong soul. She was going through a storm, still one would never guess that if they talk with her. The heartiest woman I personally knew. I don’t think I am even 10% of what she was. I am not putting myself down, but openly accepting the fact that I have to learn to smile during adverse times. We all have demons inside us, but only some of us fight it everyday and fly high. She was that devil who woke up everyday and faced her illness bravely. Even a day before she passed away she laughed and conversed with someone dear to her. She longed for conversations that kept her going. We all do, right?

When I came to know that she passed away through my school group, just a week after our last conversation, I asked the girls to cross-check. I told them it was impossible that it’ll be her. What came back made me cry.

She suffered so much right before she died. She didn’t deserve a life like that. I know her. She needed the peace. She had had enough. Though I miss her, she needed that peace. Rest in Peace, my dear, for you will always be in my heart.

I realized when I saw a quote just before a couple of days. If there was something I could be to keep her with me, is stay cheerful always, for life is short, but it’s only you who can make it sweet.

If you have lost someone you hold dear, you will realize it is their kindness that made them special. Be that! Be Kind! I have a lot to show on that. I wish I have a more kind heart and the ability to understand without judging. This is what I wish for myself this year.

************************************

Much Love Monday is a series I am hosting in my blog about how each of us look at Mondays. This will be hosted on the 3rd and 4th Monday in this blog. You can share your experience about your Monday or an experience worth sharing on Monday in your blog. You can add this badge to your post and comment here so we can follow each other’s posts.

The post Much Love Monday: April Heartaches and Acceptances appeared first on JAYANTHY'S FREE SPACE.

My Life as a Question Paper.

Jayanthy Govindarajan — Fri, 17 Aug 2018 03:36:00 +0000

A recent incident made me feel depressed.
In a little time after that, when I was tired of thinking too much and finally decided to let go, a funny thought related to it crossed my mind. My best relaxing time is while I shower. Most truths are acknowledged through jokes, they say, this situation was one such for me as stated in the below quote.

When the husband has a good sense of humor to give company, conversations like these make life better one moment at a time. It also opened up my mind to the quality I must focus on instead of expect. Well, here you go.

While we spoke about School exams and the footprints it has left in our hearts we couldn’t do it without discussing the segments in the question paper. 2-marks questions and 16 marks detailed answers. While I have always loved the 2 mark questions, I have wrestled with 16 marks even then. That’s when I realized there are moments where we keep our conversations short and to the point. Just like our 2 mark answers. At others, we need to explain in depth. It could be about why something happened or why we are not interested in talking about something or someone.

Most of my answers are 2 marks. Yes, sometimes I am okay with answering in a paragraph or two for just 2 marks. It is because I know I will score it. Just think about the 16 marks. One has to explain in detail, make a sketch to convey the point and also make a very neat presentation of what we put forth. Still, one is given 10 to 15 and not 16. Not that I care about marks, but it is the effort that counts.

Conversations with certain people be like 2 marks. You remain on the same page and converse easily. That is mostly a dialogue happening between two people with some thoughts being provoked and at times laugh riots follow. At other times, these types of conversations could also be starters between two new people. We listen to each other and have a curiosity to know more about each other.

Whereas, conversations with others be like 16 marks. You share in depth information of why something happened and how it can be resolved, on their initial insistence, but find out that they were not interested to really work on it. It was just a joke played on you to see how far you can go and still give you a 10/16 because they’ve already fixed it there. One of the main reasons why I don’t like the 16 mark types are because they mostly fall in the “not-needed advice” category or self-praise category. Oh, I also forgot the “I have not done anything wrong, it was you, so you must explain” category too.

Many people usually say , School hasn’t taught life. I don’t really think so. Exams are the first challenges in life that teach us about failure more than winning and how we learn to handle them. Though we know what will be asked, it is about that moment, about how we handle what we already know. Or, how we handle what we forgot or what we never bothered to consider as important.

At times, people can make us plead by explaining a lot. Or, we think that explaining will resolve issues and give our life and soul to someone who doesn’t see the importance of it. Still, neither party is convinced. It leads to resentment, a feeling of unfairness and fatigue. Whereas all that truth takes is a few lines said genuinely.

Truth holds a better value even if it brings out bitter emotions. People who understand you will not need explanations. Just a word or two will know if you are genuine enough to trust. I realized that I love the 2-mark answer that I am and why I don’t really have to explain every action of mine. If people really want to know, they will!

So, what’s your take on your question paper? Which one did you enjoy writing then? Are you able to relate to this in life? Did your exams leave a footprint in your life?

Image courtesy

This post is for Friday Reflections with Corinne and Shalini.

The post My Life as a Question Paper. appeared first on JAYANTHY'S FREE SPACE.

Resonance

Jayanthy Govindarajan — Wed, 17 Aug 2016 12:28:00 +0000

Image Source: Google

A sense of calm flushing over me,

A sense of silence flushing over me,

A sense of nothingness making me feel free,

A sense of accomplishment making me feel light.

Like a ray of light that enters a broken window,

Like a raindrop on a parched land,

Like the freshly grown first leaf of a long planted sapling,

Like the first smile that spreads in seeing the person we love.

Like that first teardrop that comes out in joy,

Is this called HOPE? 🙂

Patience is the key to

many things in life, almost everything.

Before it is the sense of trust and commitment,

And above all is FAITH! 🙂

Excited, yet all I could do is SMILE! 🙂

The post Resonance appeared first on JAYANTHY'S FREE SPACE.

Exhausted Yet Happy

Jayanthy Govindarajan — Thu, 04 Aug 2016 19:18:00 +0000

Busy yet happy!

P.S: Though at one point it is annoying to think i am writing very little, on the other side, I know I am occupied in preparing for my wedding due in 2 weeks. Writing comforts me! Hence this post.

The post Exhausted Yet Happy appeared first on JAYANTHY'S FREE SPACE.

What Is Life Without A Valuable Teardrop

Jayanthy Govindarajan — Sun, 24 Jul 2016 15:28:00 +0000

Image Source: Google

Suddenly all the sad

songs was also about us,

The thought makes me smile now

and not cry anymore,

Maybe love is all about the finding oneself

in that depth of loneliness and

not just in the laughter and happiness,

Love is something that disillusions

us only to illusion life again,

Love defies time,

Love defies every dimension that exists,

Love is when everyone understands your sadness,

but not your silence..

Love is when you stand in front of God to pray for everyone,

but personally you do not have a prayer for yourself.

Love is that single teardrop from the corner of the eye

that comes when you are deeply missed,

Love is that broad smile that comes when I see you

that makes me forget

all the time spent alone.

#IndiSpire127 Post –

Human beings need someone in their life. At least a person to ask occasionally, how one feels now. What’s your say on it?

The post What Is Life Without A Valuable Teardrop appeared first on JAYANTHY'S FREE SPACE.

WTFOW5: Day #6: A Woman Has The Right To Say NO

Jayanthy Govindarajan — Sat, 16 Jul 2016 03:00:00 +0000

Image Source: Google

Lately, I have heard a couple of incidents where recently married couples have approached the court for divorce. I know what it means and how difficult it can get for the people involved. The first and foremost issue being forced marriage, yes this still happens, in educated families too(mostly). However, the second main reason is being unable to respond during pressure. Many Indian families, from what I understand South Indian parents use status as a key issue. The caste is hidden, but still the social status and peer respect plays a vital role in marriage.

On deeper investigation, it is blowing a simple family scenario, out of proportion by society (let’s call it neighbors, extended family, relatives, blah). They are not even aware of the pressure they are increasing the pressure on the woman who is willing to get married, but not to a particular alliance or at that moment. In the case of marriage, whatever the age of the woman is, it is the right of the woman to decide whom to marry, irrespective of the type of marriage.

Most of the men and women today fall into a common category of engineers and this is not even a primary category for marriage between two humans. However, this is mostly an unfortunate case, marrying other degree holders gives rise to status issues per elders, at least one sector of this kind still exists. Arguing about things like education is not going to change the degree.

Similarly, the salary of a guy outside a particular state (eg. Comparison of Karnataka and Tamil Nadu or Mumbai and Kolkata! (argh.. How stupid?)) would look higher for the age. But for god sake, that might be the normal standard in that state. Never compare the earning capacity of a man or woman with the annual income till date. We never know whether the person is enjoying their job or waiting to quit anytime without our knowledge.

Social Etiquettes (Drinking and Smoking), this gets personal. When a person says he/she is an occasional drinker/smoker, ask what are their occasions anyway? Indians have at least a festival a month, who knows the guy/girl, might drink during all these occasions. Till you get personal with the person do not trust this statement, and if you want a total teetotaller there are very few who exist, but I guarantee you will find one! J

If people around you throw tantrums to keep you quiet, just walk out of the place, but be stubborn with your decision. They are not going to live life after marriage. It’s you who is going to face the truth a little later than much before. Walking out a little late could have its consequences where the same people who threw tantrums and said you will change once you get married will be in the opposite bench waiting to trash you and say you should have made tantrums and stopped.

Remember, Everyone in this world needs breathing space to clear their head and make their very own life decisions and take responsibility for their very own decisions.

Last but not the least, rejecting a person’s profile for marriage does not mean rejecting the person itself, but in the most pressured moment, people might make you feel like you are the worst woman/man existing on this earth. But that’s fine. It’s better to cut the cord right there than have plenty of people cutting their cords with you a little later ruining everything you had always wanted.

This gives a stronger chance to believe yourself and trust your guts. And for those who have chosen to cut the cord after marriage, still understand that you are doing this only to eliminate further negativity brought up in the relationship and definitely not once rejecting the person for his/her abilities. This gives peace to move on without feeling guilty and to make better lives in different paths for both.

Belief in self rather than a crowd is a better option at any point in life. You have no idea when they will leave you alone or stamp you.

Appreciate any man or woman who says NO. It’s not a common word, but it’s a word to notice. Everything that really matters in a relationship is love, care and togetherness. Not a thing more. Some fights can make two people closer and two people to walk out quickly. That’s the difference.

Whatever happens some people stay together whereas some other choose to move out for the sake of peace of self.

Finally, all said,

Let go of the person you love

if they come back to you, then you belong together,

if they are running really far away from you, kindly let them go, they were never yours!

Join Us Here!

Thanks Write Tribe for this wonderful challenge. I miss that one more day of writing! Still, I enjoyed this challenge completely! 🙂

The post WTFOW5: Day #6: A Woman Has The Right To Say NO appeared first on JAYANTHY'S FREE SPACE.

WTFOW5: Day #5: Will I Quit Forever?

Jayanthy Govindarajan — Fri, 15 Jul 2016 15:30:00 +0000

#FridayReflections

What’s a big mistake you made? What did you learn from it?

Pain is deep rooted in my heart,

Every step forward is difficult to take,

Problem after problem without solution,

I am in the middle of nowhere,

Is this life worth living?

I quit!

Pain is the only word I have known,

Where is happiness in this life?

Don’t I deserve it ever in this life?

Is this life worth living?

I quit!

I am not able to make both ends meet,

I fight everyday with my wife over money and status,

It’s ages since I laughed or smiled with my kids,

I can’t share what I feel or how I feel,

My feeling of worthlessness increases day by day even after working 9 hours a day,

Is this life worth living?

I quit!

Every side I turn I have debt,

Every work I attempt, ends in failure,

Is my presence in this earth a burden to all?

Is this life worth living?

I quit!

As the rope fails me while attempting suicide,

I look up to god and ask, won’t you let me die too?

I can see my family surrounded by me crying and shouting for me to wake up,

Had I been worthless would they have cried?

Had I been a burden wouldn’t they let me be?

What have I done?

Waking up from death bed isn’t the easiest task,

But that’s the farthest I could go,

I have made up my mind, in god I trust!

I decided to live which is tougher than death!

DEDICATION to all those who choose to live life after facing death before their eyes.

God wants you to live.

Make a promise to God not to choose death during difficult times.

Join Us Here!

Linking with Sanch’s Friday Reflections

The post WTFOW5: Day #5: Will I Quit Forever? appeared first on JAYANTHY'S FREE SPACE.

Marriage is an important life event!

Jayanthy Govindarajan — Fri, 05 Jun 2015 17:42:00 +0000

What happens when parents are forced to get their daughter or son married due to social pressure and a matter of status??

Not just the individual who is forced into marriage suffers later due to unnecessary pressure from family. But urging things only creates damage in the long run for both families involved changing the views on marriage!

For some people luckily its their wake-up call to stay aware of themselves before committing due to pressure or sympathy and take time to analyze about what can be and cannot be done by self! Rejecting someone does not mean you are rejecting the rights of the person to live, remember, you just save two families from creating further drama in the name of marriage and divorce.

Though divorce affects every one in the family indirectly, the person affected should practice smiling or being straight forward as often I guess.

Save yourself young woman! The world awaits you and you deserve better things in life!

Marriage is an important life event! Never let anyone stamp your dream!

The post Marriage is an important life event! appeared first on JAYANTHY'S FREE SPACE.

Day 4 – Give a compliment to someone!

Jayanthy Govindarajan — Tue, 28 Apr 2015 16:27:00 +0000

Day 4 – Give a compliment to someone!

Find my Day 1 post here.

Find my Day 2 post here.

Find my Day 3 post here.

A very nice challenge, I am thinking this would be to my school friend, Kindergarten, she called my mobile yesterday and found that i was not feeling well and that I have taken a few days off from work. She spoke with my father since he took my mobile yesterday. I would personally ping/text her because a friend like her is sure a treasure! 🙂

This reminds me of the discussions about relationship with T and figured out two important points we figured out for us

1) We continue to do what we do

2) We share everything with each other and resolve if any issues arise too, without the interference of a 3rd party. – I did this mistake once and I have definitely put myself in a critical solution too. At least now I understand that! 🙂

#GratitudeNow with Kevin Buchanan

The post Day 4 – Give a compliment to someone! appeared first on JAYANTHY'S FREE SPACE.